Month: June 2018

How am I going to live this day? It is a question that I have not asked myself often enough. Certainly, when I lived under the control of substances I was willing to live my life moment to moment sometimes because I was living from one high to the next. I guess such questions as how I would live that day never came to mind. I was to busy chasing the allusive escape.

My job was another deterrent to such questions. Most of my career I thought I knew how I was going to live each day. Work was the all controlling, all consuming entity. My drive to succeed at my trade was the most powerful force in my life. Not even my addictions could deter me from showing up every day and most days doing the job well. But as with all consuming things it shut out my ability to love or even question how I was living my life.

Yes, I had those moments when I would look at the wastage of my life and ask the question every one of us has asked at least once in our lives, “What does this all mean?” But most times when I awoke in the morning I was either still under the influence and with the logic of an addict would consume more alcohol or drugs to ‘even myself out’ Or I would be on edge because I had not been able to score the drugs I thought I needed. I did not have time for such pithy questions as, “How am I going to live this day.”

What led me to write this today was that recent events in my life including the reoccurrence of cancer have made me more introspective than I have been. Since I retired back in 2016 I have sought the big picture answer from God, “What am I going to do for You in ministry?” And to be perfectly honest I have been disappointed in what I have seen as lack of answers. I have struggled to see that each day has its own value and its own calling to ministering in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Maybe you struggle with this too. Getting caught up in the big picture and letting the moment or the person God has put in front of you slide right by because you like myself are too busy looking into the distance. How about we share verses from God’s Word that may encourage us today to live in the moment and to know how we are going live this day for Him:

“Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day [is] the evil thereof.” (Matthew 6: 31-34)

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Hebrews 13:5)

“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist and then it vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4: 13-15)

To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and turns back is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9: 59-64)

I am a hard-headed guy and have refused to see the blessings of each day. Looking into the distance, waiting for the parade to come over the hill. I have missed so many opportunities that the Lord has put in front of me. In the last verses I shared from Luke, I think Jesus is telling each of us not to live our life in the past. And in the first verses I shared from Matthew he is pleading with us to not live in the future. Our moment is now. That is where each of us need to be.

So today if I ask the question, “How am I going to live this day.” It all comes down to moments. Even that question is to broad. The better one is, “How am I going to live this moment.” My answer is, and I pray yours also that I will live it as the Holy Spirit leads, not looking to my past or glaring into my future. The truth is Jesus is coming soon, as for some of us that day may be today. I want to be proclaiming his kingdom this moment, how about you?

Blessings & Happy Sabbath, John
6/29/18

I’d be lying if I say that at any point, my life was under control. In fact, it could be said that I led a life that was out of control, to say the least. So, when it comes to this last Fruit of the Spirit, Self-Control, the words of this blog must come from the Holy Spirit.

First, way back in the day, I actually attended college for a short time. One of my classes was Psychology 101. I don’t remember much about this class but there are a few things that have stayed with me, one is the study of Self-control. Why it stuck with me is that in this segment of study I found myself as the proverbial ‘guinea pig’ if not in the professor’s mind, at least my own. It was all about willpower and my struggle with this became the central point of my addicted life.

I had to look this up again but here is a synopsis of what I studied in that class, a theory of how we can ‘exercise’ self-control: “Quite a few studies in multiple labs have now shown that people can improve their self-control even as adults. As with a muscle, it gets stronger from regular exercise. So, engaging in some extra self-control activities for a couple weeks produces improvement in self-control, even on tasks that have no relation to the exercise activities. The exercises can be arbitrary, such as using your left hand instead of your right hand to open doors and brush your teeth. Or they can be meaningful, such as working to manage money better and save more. The important thing is to practice overriding habitual ways of doing things and exerting deliberate control over your actions. Over time, that practice improves self-control.” (The power of self-control by Roy F. Baumeister) Sound good to any of you? Well, I practiced this method of self-control for most of the forty odd years of my addictions. Trying repeatedly to ‘control’ my out of control life. Sorry it just didn’t work!

I am not here to disparage Dr. Baumeister or any psychologists who espouse such theories. I am sure many have had success with this type of exercise, but I am not one of them. Beginning with taking that class and later failing repeatedly with addictions, it led me to believe I was a failure, a man without any willpower. The very idea of this permeated my whole life. In my relationships I would try harder. I would struggle to be whatever that person wanted me to be. But when I failed at it, I would run not wanting to face another failure and I would drink.

At work I strived to be the best. Always compensating for my ‘weaknesses’ by working harder, burying myself in the work. And on days when I felt successful I could actually believe that I had overcome. I was in control. But then the next disaster would occur, and I would try to exercise self-control but overwhelmed I would be running for the safety of my addictions, loaded with guilt and most of the time alone, I was once again a failure.

I guess the bottom line for me was the world’s answer to my problems did not work and I blamed myself for that. So, when I began my walk with God, I did not trust or believe it would be any better or different. In some ways this was good because I came to the Lord with no expectations of miracles or even that I would ever live a life free from substances that controlled me. Imagine my surprise and joy when slowly but surely, I was transformed!

So how does this work? I am not sure I can give a complete answer to that but here is what I can relate. The Holy Spirit opens us to the most powerful gift of God, Jesus Christ as my Savior and the saving power of grace. If I could believe what Paul wrote in Titus I also could believe my life would change, “For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation to all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.” (Titus 2: 11-12) I saw in this verse the one thing no psychologist could offer, the saving grace in Jesus and it is he who does the training and he who will give me the strength to have a controlled life. And the thing is, I did believe. Self-control was no longer my burden when I surrendered to Jesus, it became ‘Savior Control’. Jesus working in me by the power of the Holy Spirit!

This last and most powerful Fruit of the Spirit was my answer. I unlearned what the world had taught me and trusted that He who died and would have died just for me could turn my failures into success. My guilt of living an addicted life into the joy of freedom from all of it. So, as I end this revisiting of these Fruit, I am refreshed. Reminded of what each one of them has changed in me and feel more than blessed. I pray as we have shared some of these thoughts that the Holy Spirit has moved you too.

Blessings John,
6/27/18

I have always been a faithful person. Even though I have had many relationships and marriages, I was always faithful to the person I was in those relationships with. By worldly standards I was considered a faithful man. I was especially faithful to the companies I worked for, sometimes to a point of willingness to commit a crime to be sure that they were covered on the projects I was involved in.

When I think of the idea of faithfulness, I believe all I know about it comes from my mother. When I think of her even after all these years since her passing, what stands out the most is how faithful she was. I would like to share some things about her which confused and amazed me as a kid.

My mom was a real ‘old world’ woman. Born early in the 20th century to Italian immigrant parents, her values centered around family, church and work, and not always in that order. In many ways she was also way ahead of her time. Mom really wanted to be a nurse and an RN in particular. With persistence and ability, she did that and by the time I was in grade school her career was beginning to take more and more of her time. I guess you could say my siblings and myself were some of the original ‘latch key’ kids.

No matter how busy she got there was one thing she would not allow to be excluded from her life, that was her faithfulness to the Catholic Church. For sure every Sunday all of us, including my reluctant father were washed and combed, then loaded into the family car to attend mass at St John Vianney Church. I, as a kid could not understand any of it. The mass was still in Latin and the church seemed like a foreign place to me. But to my mother it was truly a religious experience. I could tell she was connected in a way I just never understood.

The fact was her faith permeated all facets of her life. Whenever possible she would attend daily mass, early in the morning, normally when she was either coming off shift or going on. The rosary and her devotion to Mary was another part of her faithfulness. Again, I struggled to understand when we would kneel at the foot of our stairs mumbling prayers to a statue of Mary which stood there as if a permanent altar. But it was undeniable that her devotion was deep and real.

She tried to instill this same feeling within her children. All of us attended Catholic school from 1st grade thru 8th. My sister and brother seemed to believe as she did. Both to this day have continued to follow the Catholic faith as far as I can tell. But even though I attended a seminary in my high school years I never connected to God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit in the way my mother did.

I remember in the last week of her life she spent a lot of time talking and telling me about things I had never known. Facts like the difference in age between her and my father, she was over 12 years older than him. But mostly she wanted me to know that her faith was strong, that she did not fear death and she didn’t want me to be afraid, there was a God who loved me and all I had to do was believe. She fell asleep in Christ in October of 1973 and when she closed her eyes, I never doubted that her faith was going to be rewarded. She would be in heaven. Me that was a different thing.

From the moment she passed away all the faith that she had instilled in me left. Within a few years I could honestly say, “There is no God!” and believe it with all my heart. I began to put all my ‘faith’ in things of this world and one collapse after another would happen. Be it a relationship or a friendship, nothing lasted. I drank and drugged, I gambled and lost. So much wasted time, so many broken relationships. By the year 2009 the only faith I had was in me and my ability to bring home a paycheck.

Then came the power of God’s Word. A story I read not long after picking up a Bible for the first time reminded me of my mom and to this day is a favorite story of showing true faithfulness. It is the Old Testament story of Hannah. I do not know if you have read it, so here is a short synopsis. This woman Hannah is barren, she has had no children. To make matters worse her husband Elkanah has a second wife, Peninnah, who has babies galore and makes sure she rubs it into Hannah at every turn. Each year the whole family goes to Shiloh. In those years that is where the Ark of the Covenant was resting, and the tent of meeting used by the people in the desert under Moses is there. The family goes there to worship, and one year Hannah goes into the tent and prays. But not just any prayer, a prayer of true faithfulness, knowing she will be answered. Of course, she asks for a son. And if the Lord grants her that wish she will dedicate his life to the Lord. She has a son and names him Samuel and he becomes the last great judge of Israel. But all that occurs spring from his mother’s faith. You should read the whole story in 1 Samuel, I love it and yes it reminds me of my mom and her faithfulness.

Today I understand my mother’s faithfulness and wish sometimes she could be here to see her son is not still that lost ball in high weeds. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I honestly believe with my whole heart, “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 5:1) I know His faithfulness to me is shown in His saving grace. Thanks mom and I will see you on Resurrection Day!

Blessings John,
6/21/18

Good is one of those words that I think is way overused in the English language and in our lives in general. We greet people with, “Have a good day!” (in my mind I see a yellow smiley face). Mothers tell their children, “To be good!” Preachers extols from the pulpit, “Only the good will attain heaven!” Good food and good music. In our lexicon things are either good or they are bad. But is that what the Bible tells us about, good and goodness? I want to share a story that helped me understand these overused words and also Fruit of the Holy Spirit, goodness.

Many of you who have followed this blog know that I earned my living in the construction field, Ironworking to be exact. From about 1976 through 2001 I was in ‘field work’, which meant I physically participated in my trade. But in 2002 I made a choice to join a company as a project manager that worked out of an office, something I had never done in my life.

The reason this company hired me was they understood I had a reputation of getting the job done. That was true. I had been successful in bringing my jobs in on or under budget, but more than that I was willing to do anything to make sure the companies I worked for came out on top. Many times, this entailed, lying, cheating or even abusing a contractor or their employees. In other words, I had the reputation of being ruthless.

I was proud of this. I boasted that no one could challenge me in a meeting or in the field where I would not get the better of my opponent, and that is the way I thought of companies we did work for or around, opponents. I liked being thought of as a tough guy in a tough business.

I was so successful that I was soon asked to train others in my tactics and became the department head with the idea I would be just as ruthless with our employees. All went well for years, until around 2012 when I underwent a change that would reverse everything I was and wanted to be. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ.

At first, I didn’t see any conflict with continuing as I had been, but only during work hours. Once I left the job behind for the day, I left the ruthless John behind too. Then I would become the ‘good’ John, running a soup kitchen and doing good works in several different ministries. I would read the Word of God in the morning, say my prayers, then strap on the ‘bad’ John and go to work. I saw no conflict, my job was one thing and my walk with God was another, a man got to eat, doesn’t he?

In 2014 as my wife drew closer to death, I found myself seeking God more earnestly in prayer and in His Word. I found I was dreading going to work in the morning, something that had never happened in my life. I had been up and ready by 4:00 AM for years. Now I would linger in my devotionals until I HAD to get my computer fired up and put on my ‘bad’ face. I started to feel I was being torn in two.

After my wife passed away in December of 2014, the next year was a blur. I was drawn closer to God and became even more involved in ministries and certainly was doing a lot of ‘good works’. The gap between what in my mind was good and bad was now immense. By the end of the year 2015 I knew a decision would have to be made. I could no longer serve two masters, because I found I was not serving either one of them with the devotion required.

I was in the middle of this conflict in mid-2016 when I met RuthAnn via Facebook. As our relationship grew and with her prayers and advice, I knew what I needed to do. I would have to leave behind a job where I was earning the best money I had ever made and choose the true goodness, that is Jesus completely!

As I came to this conclusion, I also came to see that good is not a condition or a state of being. Good is He who embodies Goodness, our Father God. Jesus says this to the young ruler when he addresses Him as ‘good teacher’, “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good except God alone.”

The truth is that in our nature we are evil. In my job before I knew Jesus being evil and ruthless came naturally to me. The Apostle Paul quoting Psalm 4:3 says, “None is righteous, no, not one; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside, together they have become worthless, no one does good not one.” (Romans 3: 10-12) I exemplify this for years, but as the Word of God changed me, I found myself craving His goodness and detesting my old self.

Today I still struggle sometimes with that old self. Yesterday was a trying day and I found I wanted to lash out with the tactics that were so effective against any opponent. But I turned to God seeking His goodness and pray I was able to resist the bad. I pray we will all do so today.

Blessings John
6/18/18