Month: July 2018

Complete trust is in Jesus

Have you ever trusted someone so completely that you thought you could put your life in this person’s hands and never worry? I am sure right now you are getting images of spouses, parents, or siblings. But I am not talking about a relative, even though I now am married to a woman who not only do I entrust my life to, but she is a spiritual guide too. I am sure all of you have this kind of relationship with a relative close to you. But I am not talking about that. I mean a friend who becomes more than a friend, he or she becomes your rock.

In my addicted years I did not get that close to many people, including spouses or family. I deliberately kept them at arm’s length. But there was one guy who became a friend that I knew I could turn to no matter what.

For this blog I will call him William. William and I met while he was working for me on a project in Provo, Utah. It was a policy of mine to never become buddies with any one on a crew I was running. Yeah, we could go to the bar and sit around shooting the breeze, but that was always the limit. Hanging out together and sharing real life was not a good thing, as far as I was concerned. But for some reason with William it was different.
From the first day we hit it off. I found that I was spending a lot of time with him on and off the job. He was smart and funny. I learned I could trust him.

Soon he was running the day to day stuff and it freed me up to do what I needed to do as a superintendent. After work we would hang out in the bar or at his house in Salt Lake City, we became closer than brothers.
As the years went by we worked on jobs sometimes for the same company sometimes not, but we would talk as often as we could. Somewhere in one of those conversations we decided to start our own company. And like the drunken, drugged-up fools we were we did it. Bringing on two other partners we formed a concrete reinforcing company and went about trying to get work.

Sure enough, the work came. We picked up some high schools and even a college job. But with tight money and little business know how, within a year or so we were in deep trouble. But even through this William and I stayed solid. Protecting each other’s back, we survived the dissolution of the company and moved on.

During all these times alcohol and drugs were a big part of our relationship. On the job or off we were either stoned or high. And I think that is how we avoided any tensions. And the truth is it was not until we both got a job offer in Los Angeles that real cracks showed in our relationship.
Once in LA we roomed together in hotels. From a dive in Hollywood, shared by hookers and drug dealers to a nice Holiday Inn in Glendale, California we shared living space. This began the tension. And then the serious problems set in. It was all about speed, the drug we used to call Crank.

While we were in Utah William did not get into speed and stuck mainly to pot. But once in the LA scene he couldn’t seem to get enough. Fights and paranoia set in and soon we were at each other’s throats. And the man I once would have trusted with my life, now became an enemy.
Trust was always an issue for me. Even before I was a full-blown addict, I struggled with trust. But after this thing with William, I found I no longer could trust anyone, I always was looking for the deceit that was sure to happen. You know, I lived like that until I began a relationship with Jesus Christ. And even then, at first that was a big-time struggle for me.

As I absorbed the Word of God, I wanted to believe and trust but my past, all the failed relationships and especially William kept coming back. Satan is good at that, he loves to keep each of us living in the past. But the Holy Spirit is so much stronger and smarter too. He kept bringing me back to the book of Joshua in the Old Testament. If you haven’t read this book before or haven’t read it in a while put it on your reading list and in it, you will find some awesome promises. Here is one, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9). Then I would be led to the smartest book in the Bible, the book of Proverbs, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6) As these promises and so many others were fulfilled in my life. Little by little my trust in God grew. I came to believe Jesus when He said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe in me also.” (John 14:1) And I did.

As I said at the beginning of this blog, I am now married to a woman who I trust my life and heart to. But that would have never happened it I had not been blessed to be shown there is a God I can trust beyond all human understanding. I have not talked to William in years, but I pray he has found the peace God wants for him also. If you are struggling with the idea that there is no one you can trust today, this is my wish for you and me too, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13) All I can say to that is, Amen!

Blessings, John
7/30/18

Choices. Which Road are you on?

Have you ever wondered about decisions you have made? Doubted yourself? Or when you came to that fork in the road, what would have happened if you took the left instead of the right? I have to say that I have a lot of those moments in my life. I can now see where I should have zigged instead of zagging. I should have pick choice ‘B’ instead of ‘A’. You get the point.

The fact is that most decisions are not that earth shaking. And if I use the analogy of a fork in the road, choosing one route over the other might be longer but they usually lead back to the same place. I think that most of the time this is true. But there are those choices which change everything and from them there is no turning back, at least from a human perspective this is true. Today I want to share one of those moments of decision that changed my life path forever. Maybe you can identify.

I had recently been separated from my first wife. The decision I made seemed simple enough. I had to decide where I was going to live. It had been decided that seeing my son would stay with his mother I would need to leave our home and find a place of my own. I cannot quite recall how it happened. I think I was talking with a guy who was on my crew working swing shift at the nuke plant. I think I told him I was looking for a place to live and he suggested that I move in to an apartment he was sharing with four other Ironworkers. I know I bulked at the idea. I mean four guys in one apartment would seem to be more than enough, especially four Ironworkers. But Terry said, “We have plenty of room. You can share a room with Petey, he works day shift, so is gone while you will be sleeping. Without any other prospects, I guess I just decided, why not.

At the time it seemed like such a simple decision. I would live with the guys while I was looking for a more permanent place or maybe my wife and I would work it out and I would return home. But once I walked through the door of that apartment my life was changed. My already deepening struggle with alcohol and drugs blossomed in the party environment I became surrounded with.

The apartment itself was huge. Four bedrooms, a big living room and kitchen. And it was situated in a ‘singles’ apartment complex not far from the main drag of the town of Tumwater, Washington. Also, it was within walking distance to a bar where I would become a resident. I knew none of this when I moved in. But within a week I was ‘living the life’. There were parties going on 24/7, if not in our apartment than in another and we were always invited. The center of every party was drugs and booze.

To this point in my life my marriage and my concern for my son had kept my addictions somewhat in control. But now I felt ‘free’ and allowed substances to take total control of my life. It led to a road of depravity and destruction I can only remember with regret.

A simple choice. I cannot say that it was just because I chose to move into that apartment that my life and the lives of many around me were altered. But I can say that if I would have had a better moral base at the time I certainly would have not been in the place I was. I had no Jesus, I had no other fork in the road to choose.

Jesus said this, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.” (Matthew 7:13) My problem for most of my life was that I wanted and sought to be on that ‘broad road’. Even in the years I lived in marriage with my first wife and as much as I loved and still love my son. I wanted to be on that road. So, when that ‘wide gate’ was opened upon moving into that apartment. I ran down that road. Free is what I thought I was, but captive is what I became. And as a result of that choice I lived as a captive for the next almost thirty years.

We all have choices to make. Our loving God has given us free will. But if you do not know His Word and are in it every day. Your choices and my choices can never be the right ones. The Psalm says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105) Without our path being well lit by the Word we are sure to wander off on the wrong fork in the road, even if you already know the way.

Years ago, I was lost on the wide road of life. I had made bad choices. If it were not for the Word of God, I might still be wandering captive to the substances that controlled me for so long. You can choose today to pick up that dusty book off your shelf. Live by His Word and you know the road you are on. It is well lit and heading in the right direction.

Blessings and Happy Sabbath,
John
7/27/18

Another survivor’s story: The rose bush

I was reminiscing again this morning about our recent trip to our old stomping grounds. We saw a lot of places that brought back memories. As I wrote before many for me reminded me that you can never go back. But I was struck with one that has given me pause for deeper thought, standing once again at my mother’s grave.

Some of you might know, if you follow this blog, that my mother passed away when she was quite young, only sixty years old. That was in the year 1973. Standing in front of her grave for the first time since maybe 1978 a ton of broken memories flooded back. I tried and failed to hear her voice again. To see her clearly, her smile and hear her laugh. But all of it was lost. Then I noticed something that amazed me, to the left side of her headstone is a rose bush. It is puny and seems to have struggled with the brutal Upper Peninsula winters, but it is there. So why is the rose bush so amazing. You see, I planted it 44 years ago, along with one that must not have survived on the opposite side of the stone.

It was that struggling rose bush that captured my attention. As I stared at it I realized how much I could identify with it. Over those same 44 years, I too had survived the brutal winters and some bad summers of my stormy life. Like that bush I had been buried under cold snow. But while it’s was real snow, mine was the white snowy powder of cocaine and speed. While it stood under torrential downpours. I floated below gallons of booze. And while it stood in the summer sun baking. I had baked my brain with all kinds of substances. Yet here we were, all those years later, by the grace of God still standing and if not strong and vital as we could have been, we were survivors.

As I continued to look at it, I could not help but remember the young man who planted it. He was so young and full of plans. Planting his mother’s favorite flower beside her grave believing in those days, that some how she could see her youngest son and would think he was doing well. But even then, there were hints of things to come. Already a hard worker, that would never be the problem. The things that would torment him for years to come already had seeds that were beginning to sprout.

Though drinking didn’t seem to be a problem, after all it was purely social. Whenever a drink was taken many followed. And drugs were also just a social thing now and again, yet sometimes the craving was so strong. But somehow it all seemed under control. It would not be too many years down the road when that would no longer be true. And as those years passed, relationships would fail and the God who was so mysterious would disappear from his life. The brutal years of surviving were upon him.

As I was turning away from the grave, I had to wonder if that bush had gone through years when its future was in question. After all its partner on the other side of the stone did not make it. That brought to mind how many of my partners were no longer standing. Why had I and this frail rose bush survived? The only answer I had was the gracious God we serve still could use us both.

For the bush it could be as simple as God knowing one day I would return and there it would stand, resulting in my strengthening of faith and by the way, my writing this blog. Or maybe there was more to it that I will never understand until I sit with the Lord and He explains all to me. What a day that will be! As for me I know that it is my testimony which God wants me to share. And if there is no other reason I have survived that is more than enough for this deeply flawed sinner.

As I wandered away from the grave, I was drawn back one more time. I lost its location and had to ask RuthAnn to help me. Once found I stood in front of it again and said a prayer of thanksgiving. I no longer believe my mother can hear me, she is sleeping waiting on Jesus’ soon return. But I know now so much better than the young man who planted that rose bush the God I serve and wanted to praise Him.

I struggled to remember a praise from the Word of God, until Psalm 28 verse 7 was brought to mind, “The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”

I stood there in the fading sunlight of a warm Upper Peninsula summer day. As I looked around that quiet grave yard at all the headstones, I knew that soon I would probably join those waiting on the Lord. The thought did not bother me, He would give me all the time I would need. I smiled upon my friend the rose bush. I prayed it would stand sentinel until the Resurrection Day. I could only imagine my mother glancing at it and smiling. But then all her attention would turn to the Savior. Yes, indeed. What a day that will be!

Blessings John
7/25/18

Old vs New is there something to learn?

Yesterday we were visiting RuthAnn’s daughter, they had just purchased a 1947 Plymouth sedan. After talking to her it was evident neither she or any of the family knew anything about operating such an ancient vehicle. Everything about this car was foreign to them.

When I climbed into the driver’s seat, to me it was like a trip back into my childhood. The kids couldn’t start the car because it did not fire up when you turned the key. It has a starter button. Even more to get started you needed to adjust the choke and the throttle both manually controlled by knobs on the dash board. Pull the choke out just enough to close the carburetor and open the throttle just enough for good gas flow. Turn the key, pump the gas pedal and hit the starter button. No electronic ignition, no computer to control the carburation, just with manual adjustment and persistence the engine roars to life.

The next problem occurs because this old beast also has a manual transmission. Something we called back in the day, a ‘three on the tree’, three forward gears and reverse but in order to motivate these gears you must use both a clutch and shift manually with a gear shifter handle near the steering wheel. No automatic transmission no put it in reverse or drive and let the car do the work. Again, it takes real work to drive a 1947 car.

All the family was excited that this old guy actually knew how to make this car run. So, daughter, grandson and RuthAnn hopped in, with me in the driver’s seat and off we went. I have to admit I was nervous. Even though I knew how all of it worked, I too had gotten used to driving a car that does so many things for me. But the thrill of driving a piece of history overcame all my fears and carefully we backed out of the garage and headed through the neighborhood, the old engine roaring and the passengers fascinated.

As we traveled along there were lots of questions. Grandson says, “How do you roll the window down, there is no button?” From the back seat RuthAnn says, “You have to crank it down by hand.” Grandson, “Wow!” More serious questions from daughter about shifting, braking and steering, “No there is no power steering!” Finally, when we get to the church parking lot it is time for her to give it a try. There is fear and trepidation, but she gets behind the wheel bravely and with instructions from the old man gets the old car moving forward enough to drive us back home.

Once there so many wonders to see. Lifting the hood everyone ohh and ahhs over the simplicity of the ‘flat head’ eight engine and that everything you would ever need to work on is right there and one could, if they had the know-how, take a wrench and fix any problem. And as we continue to list all the things that make this car from another era so fascinating, it strikes me once again how in the 71 years since the vehicle rolled off the assembly line our world has changed so drastically that even a man my age needed to reach back in distant memory to know how to operate it.

What really struck me is that we have made huge technological advances and now have put all our faith and trust in the machines and computers that supposedly make our life so much simpler. But is that true? This morning as I type this I am sitting in a Toyota dealership as RuthAnn’s car gets serviced. No longer can I get under the hood or slide under the car just to do normal maintenance. We are dependent on machines and yes have to put our faith in them to live, so it seems.

Maybe in ways this is not a bad thing but then I read this verse, “Thus says the LORD, “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind. And makes flesh his strength. And whose heart turns from the LORD.” (Jeremiah 17:5) Can we become so dependent on our own technology that we forget who created all? I look around me and know we can and do.

I do not want to generalize and say we were doing so much better back in 1947, I don’t think that is true. But one thing is for sure, the more we believe all answers can be found in technology the farther we move away from the faith and love God seeks from us. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart. And do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5) A fair warning to us all.

I had great fun driving that old car but do not long for the simpler days when we lacked the technology we have. As long as I do not become one, “Who changed the truth of God into a lie; and worships the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever, Amen.” (Romans 1:25) And use all the tools available to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ, life in this fast-paced ever-changing world is where I want to be.

Blessings John
7/23/18

Lost…Found in Jesus

We were sitting on our friend’s porch in Northern Georgia a few days ago. It was a beautiful morning. They live in a cabin surrounded by hills and trees, not far from a beautiful lake. It really is a peaceful place to be, especially since they have a love seat swing that allowed RuthAnn and I to swing gently while taking it all in.

As we were sitting there after a nice breakfast. Someone mentioned how you could not help but see and think about God when you were in such surroundings. I think we all agreed. God seems to be close to us when we are surrounded by the beauty and peacefulness of His creation.

As I sit here this morning recalling this, I could not help but think about another time years ago. I was again in a place where I should have been able to see all the beauty around me, but I could only feel the loneliness of being lost in the woods behind my Northern Michigan home.

The first home I ever owned was very small. Three rooms to be exact, if you did not include the bathroom. It was in a remote area and at that time there were only a few houses around and they were not that close. I was very young when I bought the place, just twenty-one years old, I think. And being a city boy knew very little about living in a place that was surrounded by woods.

At the time I lived there, I was just beginning my Ironworking career and because of the severe winter weather in the Upper Peninsula work could be spotty. This gave me the idea that I should supplement my income by selling firewood. Of course, this would mean I needed to cut trees in the five acres of woods I owned behind my house.

I had been back there many times in the summer and if I stayed on the marked trails I never had any problems. But this time I decided I would need to head into a stand of trees that I could see from my yard and cut what I needed there. No problem, right?

It started out that way. I decided to take a can of spray paint and mark the trees I was going to cut and then bring my chainsaw to cut and a sled to stack and slide the cut pieces out. Seeing it was November, there was only about ten to twelve inches of snow on the ground, so getting around should be easy.

The problem happened when I decided to take a short cut through a tag elder swamp heading toward the stand of trees. At first, I could see them and felt I was headed in the right direction. Then all at once, I got turned around. Before I knew it, I was lost without any idea of where I was.

I had no compass and it was a cloudy day, so I really could not tell North from South or East from West. Soon nothing seemed familiar. And no matter how hard I tried I knew I was only making matters worse. After what seemed like an hour, I decided to stop and clear my mind, get some bearings. But what I did was start to panic.

I began to imagine all kinds of terrible things. First no one knew I was here. My wife at that time was not home and would probably not be until after dark. And in this time before cell phones I had no way to call for help. I thought about yelling but there was no way that anyone could hear me. I was lost and in my mind was going to die and probably not be found until spring or maybe not for years.

As I leaned against a small tree lost and beginning to feel the cold, I felt so alone. There was no one and nothing I could turn to. Tears began to fall without me even knowing. I wanted to pray, but I didn’t know how, and I was sure there was no God to hear me. Lost forever!

Feeling that isolated is a horrible thing. Have you ever felt it? As I sit here today I know that day was the first of many times I experienced such deep loneliness. This was the only time I would say I was physically lost. But physically or emotionally lost and isolated is the last thing God wants for us.

Without God and His Word. Without knowing Jesus Christ and the salvation He offers, I think all of us are lost, if we know it or not. I so wish in those moments in my life when I was lost I would have had this beautiful promise to hold on to, “Do not be afraid. I will save you, I have called you by name-you are mine. When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burned; the hard trials that come will not hurt you. For I am the Lord, your God… because you are precious to me and because I love you and give you honor, do not be afraid- I am with you. (Isaiah 43: 1-5 GNTD) If you are feeling alone or lost today grab a hold of these words, let them sink in. Believe, they are real and true!

Back so many years ago, I wandered, cried and blundered my way back to my house. I know the hand of God was on me even though I did not know it. When I saw my house, I experienced a joy that I remember to this day. I was lost and then I was found. Today I get to experience that same joy every day. I no longer feel that loneliness or isolation, I know I have a God that loves me, and He loves you too. I pray if you are wandering in the wilderness today that you can feel His love and know there is always a way home.

Blessings and Happy Sabbath,
John
7/20/18