One of the crowd?

“I hate winter.” I thought as I dresssed for school. It has snowed last nightand I soon would have to walk that long mile or more to St John Vianney, the Catholic grade school I attended. I knew that snow meant I would have to wear those stupid buckle galoshes and probably the ugly wool coat and hat that made me look like a badly dressed eskimo! I sighed as I tied my shoes, the worst of all things I would have to walk in this outfit past Whittier School where harassment of Catholic school kids was a daily game.

As I went downstairs now dressed in my school uniform, I could only think of how cool it would be if I could go to school at Whittier, it was less than a block from here. No more long walks, no more fighting with the Nicciono twins, who seemed to favor picking on Weston kids. I just wanted to be like everyone else, one of the crowd. As I came into the kitchen my worst nightmare was assured. Lined up by the door were the shining black boots I so hated and hanging near the door was the dreaded coat. The thought came to me, “Maybe I can fake being sick.” But, naww mom is a nurse that never worked. Other thoughts of how to avoid the onslaught ran through my mind. Maybe walk up Alvin drive, but no that is where the Nicciono twins live. There was no answer. I dropped heavily into my chair at the kitchen table and began to eat a bowl of corn flakes. “Geez, why can’t I be like everyone else?”

Isn’t that what we all seek? Not to stand out or to stand up for our beliefs. Being one of the crowd seems to be even more important in this day of electronic living. Knowing all the latest emojis and having tons of friends on Instagram or Facebook. “Liking” what everyone else likes and following the latest fads or threads or whatever. We find ourselves being counted among the masses with our only identity being our profile photo or latest hash tag. But is that what God wants for us?

Jesus stated this in pretty strong language, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world will hate you.” (John 15:17-18) Of course this means we should be separate from this world. But the problem arises, is that possible?

It is the overriding theme of the Bible throughout the Old Testament. The nation of Israel was called, “You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure.” (Deuteronomy 14:2) Yet we see that they continually fell back into being just one of the crowd. Doing what the surrounding nations do, worshipping what they worship. How can we have any hope that it will be different for us?

For me the answer is not easy and everyone is not willing to accept it. The apostle John put it like this, “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only cravings for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from the world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)

Again, it is not easy and like Israel of old we seem to fall too often but we have the advantage they did not. In Jesus, we see that we can be in the world but not of the world and He calls us, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny himself and take up their cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24) In the end it is a choice and every day we can make it, sometimes every moment. But we are never alone He has promised to be with us. I want to accept.

The funny thing about the school story is in the end I did leave the Catholic church and for many years was one of the crowd. But I was blessed to hear the calling of the Holy Spirit and His last day message from Revelation 18:4, “And I heard another voice from heaven saying, come out of her, my people, lest you share her sins, and lest you receive her plagues.” I was blessed because I no longer had to seek to be one of the crowd but be one with Jesus.

I’ll tell you a secret, I am glad I live in warm Georgia where I never have to wear galoshes, I still think they are stupid looking.

Blessings and Happy New Year

John
12/31/18

Self esteem from others or from God?

William Watson, known to most of us as 2W or just Two, was expounding like he did most days when he was in town. I was down the bar about 4 stools and was thinking of heading up San Fernando Road to the Lighthouse and see if it was quiet there. I knew as long as Two was holding court here there would be no peace around this place.

I had no problems with his stories. In fact, some of them were interesting and you could say, fascinating. But when you had heard them 20 or more times it became like listening to chalk scratching on a blackboard to me. But he didn’t have this effect on everyone, evidently, most folks hung on his every word. That was true again today because quite a group had gathered around the old man. So ok, let me finish this drink and I will slip out without anyone noticing.

As I drained my glass there was a tap on my shoulder. Turning I saw Two’s boy standing there. He looked like always, as if a train had run him over. Hair disheveled and a week or more of scraggly beard. I couldn’t help but compare him to his father, who was always dressed to the nines with hair that looked as if he just left the barbershop. The son’s name was Jerry, but the bar crowd teasingly called him Two-Two, which I knew he hated.

I said, “Hey, Jer, did you drive the old man down from the hills. They lived not far from my place, in La Cresenta. He just shook his shaggy head and said in a scratchy voice, “Yeah, I wish the DMV would give him his license back, so I could have a life again.” I knew Two had lost his license because of glaucoma, so I shook my head in agreement but said, “Why doesn’t he just have the surgery and get it over with?” Jerry barked a laugh and said, “Who knows what goes on in that old man’s head. You want another drink, I think I am going to be here awhile. Whenever he starts talking about the old days at Republic Studios, it could go on all night.” As much as I wanted to leave, I saw the disparate look and decided to stay for one more.

As Jerry ordered from our distracted bartender, I spoke over the din, “Yeah, let’s drink one but how about moving over by the pool tables. No one is hanging out there tonight.” He shook his head in total agreement, “Right, man, anywhere away from these old stories!” We each took our drink and headed to the corner table. I could tell Jerry had something on his mind, so I waited.

It came out soon, “John, you been drinking in here for what, a year or more?” I shook my head in agreement, “Yeah, about that, I guess.” He stared at the ceiling as if looking for inspiration, “Well, you seem like an ok guy and not overly impressed by the old man’s unending stories.” I said, “Hey, Jer, Two is fascinating but….” He cut me off, “Yeah, yeah, I know. He lived the California dream, right? Knew all the old movie stars and worked as an extra in all the big productions.

But I can tell you most of those stories are just that. He is a phony for the most part. The guy had a few bit parts, but most of his life he was a carpenter working on scenery. Why can’t he just be proud of that?” He fell silent for a moment. I could see the anger and frustration that was built like a stone fortress in him. I couldn’t think of anything good to say. We all knew Two’s stories were exaggerated but I had never thought how this all must affect Jerry. To most of us, I guess he was just a shadow of his bigger than life father. For the first time I was seeing him as a regular guy who was hurting.

Have you ever felt ignored or belittled in the world you live in. Maybe you work for an impersonal company and feel like you are just a cog in a big wheel. Frustrated that people do not recognize you or your talent. I have been there a few times and it can mess with your mind. What is even worse if you have a situation like that in your personal life. Living with a spouse or a relative that takes you for granted. Their life is the important one and you feel like your needs are secondary. I have been there too, and it is painful. But I found something enlightening and amazing as I surrendered my life to Jesus. Maybe I was basing my self-worth on the opinion of others and not the One who loves me no matter what.

I found in the Word of God how He views us and what He wants for our life. The apostle Peter said this, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, to proclaim the virtues of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” (1 Peter2:9) When I realized this, that I was included in God’s plan of salvation. It changed the way I valued others opinion of me. I realized, “God so loved the world (me included) that He gave His only begotten Son so that none would perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) When you can believe, as I do, that Jesus would have died just for me, it is a game changer!

Not so for Jerry or even myself. We drank more than one drink together. he continued to let out the bitterness and worthlessness that I guess had been bottled up for years. We both left the bar that night feeling depressed. I knew that my own self esteem was at a low point. And there was nothing Jerry or I could do about it. I am blessed to know that today my value on this earth is not judged by man but by a loving God. He knows me intimately and even with my faults loves me endlessly. He feels the same about you!

Blessings John
12/26/18

My prayer for the lonely….

Merry Christmas, John! I had heard that so many times today that I wanted to scream. But I replied with all the patience and false enthusiasm I could muster, “Yeah Merry Christmas, Buddy!” I figured since he was my bartender and I was going to be spending the rest of the day with him, I might as well humor the guy. But just saying the words were not going to be sufficient. As he poured my drink, he asked the question I did not want to answer. “Hey John! How’s your kid? Are you spending the day with him?” I tried to stay cool, calm and collected. It didn’t work. I said with a surly tone, “My kid, as you put it, is fine! And no, I am going to be spending my day with you! So, make that drink a double and let’s talk about anything except my kid!”

I could see Buddy was hurt by my tone, but I just did not care right now. I was paying for the drinks, so I should at least have the ability to have some privacy. He quickly added another shot of whiskey to the tumbler and then said, “Sorry John, this one is on the house.” Setting the drink down, I lowered my head. Right now, I wanted to cry but I bet almost every person in this bar had something to cry about. So, I steeled myself and mumbled inaudibly, “Man up!” But even as I said this my heart just wasn’t in it. It was going to be a long day.

For the first time in many years I was not going to be with my family on Christmas. The divorce was finalized right after Thanksgiving and my ex had made it clear that she was not going to be at home, my old home, this year. She was celebrating Christmas with friends and I certainly no longer fit that description. I had seen my son for a short visit yesterday and gave him the present I had bought for him and he had opened it without any enthusiasm just slowly tugging the wrapping off and then staring at the toy for a moment before dropping it to the floor without even a thank you. I was no longer his favorite guy, I probably was not in the top ten. Leaving not long after that, I drove back to the apartment I shared with six other Ironworkers. As they all partied, I sat at the kitchen table alone. Just a half gallon of Black Velvet whiskey and enough Coca-Cola to cut the burn. That was my Christmas Eve and now it was the day I had been dreading for a month.

I don’t know how long I had been lost in thought, but I was woken out of my reverie by a poke in the ribs and a soft voice, “Merry Christmas, John!” I shifted on my stool enough to see that it was Gwen, an older woman who seemed to live here. The fact was that she was a fixture. The rumor was she had been drinking in this bar since it had opened back in the 60’s but since we had never really talked, I was not sure if it was gossip or not. Now she sat next to me and waited for me to say something in return. The best I could do was shrug and salute her with my glass. She seemed to accept this without insult and said, “Christmas blues, huh? I hear this is your first-time celebrating a bar Christmas. Don’t worry you will get used to it!” I looked at her empty smile and thought to myself. Will I really? Is this my life from now on? I thought of my boy and all the Christmases we had spent together. Tears welled in my eyes. In that moment I knew all was lost and so was I.

As Christmas of 2018 arrives I am blessed beyond anything I could ask or deserve. I have a home where Jesus Christ and His love are the center of RuthAnn’s and my life. I am surrounded by loving friends and family. As I said, I am blessed. But also, at this time of year the ghosts of my past life remind me that there are so many folks out there who will spend this holiday in cold and impersonal places. On lonely barstools with no family or friends. People will gather in bars and taverns just to find the comfort of being with other human beings, yet there will be an emptiness there that neither the alcohol or the company will be able to fill. I have been there, and I know the depth of that loneliness.

So today I want to offer a prayer that anyone can pray. If you are in need of it pray it with me:

Heavenly Father, I need You in a special way this Christmas. I feel so alone, and it seems impossible to enter into the joy this season is supposed to bring. It feels as though my suffering is invisible, but I know that it is never invisible to You. You see every moment of loneliness and every tear. You see my confusion, my exhaustion, and my grief. You look on me with love and compassion, and I know You desire to comfort me now more than ever. I pray that You will allow me to know Your love for me in a special way this Christmas as we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Grant me peace in my heart at the thought of You, my loving Father. Grant me clarity and trust in Your holy providence. Jesus, I place myself in Your hands, I seek the joy only you can bring. Jesus, I trust in You. Amen.

I spent many more Christmases in taverns and bars beyond the one I have described above. My heart did harden and was empty, I thought it would never be filled again. But I want to say on this Christmas Eve there is hope. If Jesus could fill this cold heart of mine, He can and will fill yours. Trust in Him and pray with me. And maybe you don’t want to hear it any more than I did on that day so long ago, but I wish you a Merry Christmas! You are not alone!

Blessings John,
12/24/18

Jesus is the answer…

No one was left, just the two of us. I was not sure when the afterhours crowd had left but it must have been some time ago. Maybe I had passed out or just gotten so high that I had lost track of time. Now I sat with Jamie wondering if the same thing had happened to her or if she had wanted to talk to me about something.

I decided to wait her out without saying a thing. My head was leaned back, and my eyes were closed. I could feel her next to me and heard her breathing. Finally, she said, “John. Hey, John are you awake?” Come on man, I know you are just fakin’ it!” I nodded but did not open my eyes, not sure I wanted to get into some heavy conversation with Jamie at 3:00 in the morning. I knew there was no escape but maybe I could avoid it a little longer.

She pushed on my shoulder and said, “I just want to talk for a few minutes, this won’t take that long. Then I will get out of your hair.” Finally, I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was a pretty girl, but the years of drug use was wearing on her youthful looks, I was sure it was not doing me any good either. I said it a sleepy voice, “What can be so important, that you hang around my place until everyone is gone? It is 3:00 in the morning and I was thinking about crashing for a few hours before dawn.” She looked a little hurt by my tone and attitude, so I continued, “Hey Jamie, just tell me what is going on. I’m listening. With that I closed my eyes again. I could hear her short breathes. Was she crying?

As her silent sobbing continued, I was tempted to open my eyes and try to console her then she stuttered, “Pauly is your friend, right?” I nodded. She was talking about the man at the moment who was probably my best friend. She continued, hesitantly, “Well, …. I mean….” Silence. I waited. “Ok!” Now there was determination in her voice, “John, I need you to do something and only you can do it.” That made me open my eyes and sit up. Without giving me a chance to speak, she blurted out, “I am pregnant, and I would like you to take me to the clinic for an abortion!”

I shook my head quickly, as if to clear the cobwebs, “What are you talking about? Abortion? Me, take you? Jamie, we never did anything….” The last words hung out there like a mist. But as I looked into her eyes, it all came clear. Pauly, it was all about my partner Pauly. I said dumbly, “You and Pauly?” She sadly shook her head, then said, “I can’t let him know. But he always says you are the guy who would do anything for him. So, you were the first person I thought about when I decided not to keep the baby.” All I could think was, “Thanks a lot partner. Look at the mess you dragged me into.” I lowered my head back into the couch cushion, rubbing my eyes with both hands, saying, “Listen, Jamie. You need to tell Pauly. You guys need to work this out. I am willing to go with you. In fact, I am willing to wake him up right now and get this settled. But I cannot do a thing like this behind his back. I don’t know why you would think I would.” Now she sobbed uncontrollably, and I put my arm around her. She cried, and I finally whispered, “There is a baby here.” Patting her stomach. “Don’t you think you need to think about its life?” She pulled away and with fire suddenly in her eyes, she said, “That is exactly who I am thinking about. John, I know all of you think I am just a coke whore. But the truth is I haven’t done any drugs in the last two months. I want this baby. But I can’t raise it alone!” Then I knew, Jamie had no intentions of getting an abortion. She was here to seek my ability to strong arm and reason with the pig-headed Pauly.

When I lived in the sub culture of drugs and alcohol, at least back in the ‘me decade’ of the 1980’s, life was pretty raw. Sex, drugs and rock and roll were certainly the way each of us viewed the world. I have spoken so many times in this blog about how there was no moral center in that world. All of us were making decisions, life altering and sometimes life destroying decisions while under the influence of powerful substances. Our entire reckoning was judged from ‘self’. And when that is the center of all judgement than all results will be devastating. I can testify in my life they were.

I know the world today is not in a better place. Drugs and mind-altering substances still permeate our culture and we seek to ‘cure’ these issues with physics and psychology, but it will never work. As long as we are looking for man-made answers, we are going to find only more pain and more suffering. But there is a way. The God-man who walked through this world 2000 years ago healing the impossible and His power to do so still exists today. I know because I am one of His miracles.

I am not saying seeking help and support for addictions and depression is wrong. But if you are please seek a Christian based program. At the end of this blog I will list a few webpages to look at. But if you are reading this today and your life is at a critical point or even if you are just overwhelmed, there is immediate help in God’s Word. Here is what Jesus promised, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. (Matthew 7: 7-8) Seek him first and all other things will be given, don’t wait!

I did not have a testimony to share with Pauly and Jamie. I tried to reason with both, but my words were useless. Jamie did have an abortion and her life spiraled into more drugs and more pain. She married an abusive guy and I lost track of her. Pauly blamed me for most of it and we; our friendship in anger. I feel sad I had nothing to offer but empty words back then. Today I have the Savior of the world to offer you, He is waiting!

Happy Sabbath and Blessings,

John

12/21/18

A few good links for addictions and depression:

Home

https://nedleyhealthsolutions.com

Darkness and the Unknown hold no fear in Jesus

I lay in bed, afraid to move. In my reasoning mind I knew I was just being silly therecertainly wasn’t anything or anybody in the dingy motel room I called home. Yet the fear was real and almost palatable, I could almost taste it.

I had woken up in a drunken stupor. Not that unusual but this was different, I was sure there was something in this room with me. I had pulled the cheap blanket up over my mouth as if it could protect me. And now I lay there, paralyzed. Was there really someone there? Could it be a ghost? It would not be hard to believe this old Salt Lake City motor lodge had plenty of ghosts haunting every room.

I had a long history of fear when it came to the night, darkness and the boogie man. As a kid, I had often found myself dreading the night. Even though I slept in a room with my two brothers, I found little comfort in their presence. There would be shadows of trees broadcast on the walls as the wind blew. These would take shapes of scary goblins I had stored in my kid imagination. The floor would creak, and I would freeze in fear, something was coming to get me. Or the eternal boogieman who might be under the bed. If I looked or if I dared to place my feet on the floor, the consequences would be so dire I could not even imagine. I wish I could say, these fears were left in that old dormer room in the house on Whitehall Avenue Northlake, Illinois but that was not true.

My adulthood had been plagued by the same fears. Sometimes it would be a closet at night I would be afraid to open. Standing before it, knowing it was irrational, the fear would course through me. Slowly reaching my hand for the knob, then quickly pulling the door open. Eyes squeezed shut. Breath held. Standing stiff as a board, waiting. Within seconds when nothing had happened, I would slowly open one eye. Clothes!  All hanging perfectly still. Just a closet. Always feeling embarrassed, I told myself I needed to get overall of this. Still knowing in my heart that the deep lying, irrational fear was there.

And now as I lay motionless in the bed, I knew if I moved a muscle the old springs would whine and creak. I also knew that if I did whatever was in that room would know where I was and be on me instantly. Again, my booze soaked, yet still reasonable part of my brain tried to throw some common sense into the situation, shouting, “There is nothing in this room, get up turn on the light!” But my deep-set fear would not be budged. It’s there and it is wanting to do me harm!

Fear is one of the strongest emotions God has given us. In most circumstances it is our safety valve. Rational fear is not only important it is critical to living inthe world today. Some days it is not possible to walk down the street without the fear factor being brought to practical use. We truly need to have a healthy fear of certain things and those things seem to grow in this ‘last days’ world. But what about irrational fear? I am sure that a good percentage of you reading this have experienced fear that you just knew was not real yet could not stop yourself from the terror that comes with it.

The strange thing for me was that I had little healthy fear most of my life. I lived and worked in circumstances that would trigger alarm bells in most rational minds but for me there was a ‘no fear’ credo. Walking on 8” beams ten, twenty, or fifty stories up was not a problem. Carousing around in places where I should have had fear, I did not. But when it came to irrational fear, I certainly had my share.

Looking at it now I see almost all of it centered on two things: darkness and the unknown.You might be reading this and think, “Well, duh! Most of us fear the unknown!”I think that is true even for me today. But now I have a different perspective.When I came to know I was saved by the blood of Jesus, a whole lot of the darkness and the unknown became a lot less scary.

Like all things in my life in which the Lord is given me victory, I found my transforming power in His Word. It is in the Word that I learned how to dispel fears of darkness.Jesus said this, “I have come as a light into the world, so that everyone who believes in me will not remain in darkness.” (John 12:46) When Jesus became the center of my life darkness could no longer hold the power it once did. And its scariness could no longer be based on the unknown because in Jesus I know there is more than this dying world, He has promised, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

I also found that Satan and his demons are real, but they have no power in the darkness, if I hold on to the one who is, the Way, the Truth, and the Light. And as for ghosts and spirits haunting this world, God’s Word says, “Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt.” (Daniel12:2) I know now all sleep waiting the day of judgement. I no longer fear the dark or the unknown.

But back inthat room my terror was real. I had no God to turn to in prayer to chase away those thoughts. As I remember it, I lay there for hours waiting for the dawn and somewhere along the way I fell into a fitful sleep. There would be other nights where fear would reign supreme. And I can’t say I have never experienced it again but now I have a Savior, who saves completely. Now I say with the apostle Paul, “The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore, let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. (Romans 13:12). Thank you, Lord!

Blessings John,

12/19/18