I believed his lies…

As I woke up, I felt I had been dreaming about sleeping. So, had I really slept or not. My head was heavy on the pillow and it felt as if it was filled with wet socks. My eyes were open, but I had not been able to focus on a thing. I knew I had been on a bender but was not able to say for how long or even where I was at the moment. Closing my eyes again, I tried to concentrate. To cut through the throbbing fog bank that appeared on my now closed lids. “Are we having fun yet?” I mumbled as I lay confused.

As always with these kinds of benders, it seemed I lay there for an hour or more before my soggy brain began to clear. I could see now I was in the dingy motel room I called home. My eyes could focus enough to read my watch, it was 10:30 and because it was light, I guessed that would be in the morning. Finally sitting up the motion sent flashes of color into my vision. It was almost like my brain was sloshing around in my head and couldn’t stop bobbing. As this feeling cleared, I knew I was probably going to live but I was not sure at the moment if I wanted to.

I saw the pack of cigarettes on the night stand and grabbed it. My hands shook as I took one out of the pack and lit up. Was there a bottle any where around? A little ‘hair of the dog’ would probably get my motor running again. Searching the room, I saw a bottle half full of amber liquid on the poor excuse for a table near the door. Slowly rising I walked unsteadily to where it was. Unscrewing the cap, I took two long pulls and felt the burn as it slid down my throat. “That would do the trick.” I mumbled. As I looked through the heavy curtain next to the table, I heard church bells begin to ring, “Sunday” I thought. Two days lost but maybe it would be better if I did not remember. Yet I knew it would come back, at least most of it.

I took another long drag on my cigarette and another pull off the bottle while sitting down in the rickety solo chair at the table. Staring at its scarred surface, little flashes of what could be memories started to seep in. The bar called “The Courthouse”, it actually was an old courtroom converted into a bar or a private club, as they are called in Utah. I knew I had started drinking there when we had gotten ‘rained out’ on Friday morning. Then lots of little snippets of angry drunken conversations, lines of white powder snorted in a marble lined bathroom. Another argument with the bouncer and maybe being ‘86ed” (banned) from the bar.

Did that happen during this drunk or was that a memory from another time. I could not tell. I did not really care. I picked up the receiver of the big, black phone on the table and dialed the number for ‘time’. A sweet voice on the other end said, “At the tone the time will be 10:45 and 10 seconds”. Listening until the minute turned the voice assured me it was, “Sunday, October 13, 1986 and at the tone the time will be 10:46.” Hanging up I crushed out my cigarette and drank another drink. My life stunk, but I knew the cure for it and it was right here in this bottle.

This was my life as a man addicted to alcohol and drugs. I cannot tell you how many mornings I spent just like this one, how many days were lost in foggy drunkenness. The worst part was always the ‘next day’, remembering all the stupid things I had done or even worse, that I had caused pain either physical or mental. Those were the memories that always came first.

I have to admit during these years I loathed myself. The out of control life I lived was painful to many who still had some hope for me and it was just ugly in my head. But I did not stop because something or someone convinced me that I could not. Today I know who that someone is and was, his name according to God’s Word is the devil or Satan and here is how Jesus describes him when talking to the Pharisees:

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)

When I was under the control of substances this verse pertained to me. I was of the devil. No, by the grace of God, I never murdered anyone. But I lived a life of lies, deception and pain and Satan assured me I could never be free. But he is a liar and the father of lies. It was not true. I and you can find freedom but only through the one who died to give it to us:

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Jesus Christ from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:2)

I found in God’s Word a life line. I was not the person Satan told me I was. I am a child of God and saved at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ, you are too! So, if you are waking up today and finding your life is not what you want it to be. It ain’t all about drugs or alcohol. Satan has many lies. Turn to the one who offers life and offers it abundantly. Pick up His Word, the key to your freedom is there.

Blessings John,

12/12/18

Author: John

Christian blogger