I tossed from one side to another. The bed felt like I was sleeping on a rock. Raising up for what seemed the 100th time, I looked at the alarm clock and it was 20 minutes later than the last time I had looked, 11:40 PM. In less than 5 hours I would have to be up and on my way into the office and today there would be no avoiding it, decisions had to be made.
Climbing out of bed as quietly as possible, I crept into the kitchen. The light from the street lamp across the way lit the room well enough for me to see the cabinet above the refrigerator. Standing there for a moment staring at the it, I was trying to decide if a stiff drink from the bottle of scotch whiskey behind those doors would help to quiet my mind and make a decision. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave into the idea mumbling, “It couldn’t hurt.”
Once the drink was in hand, I moved to the living room and settled into the recliner which I considered to be ‘my’ chair. Pulling the handle to lean it back and extend the foot rest, I sat contemplating between sips of the amber liquid. Who was it going to be? Which three guys from my department would I recommend for pink slips, layoffs?
The problem had been with me for the last three weeks. Early in the month all department heads were called into the branch manager’s office and given the dictate, cut your staff by 30%. For me that meant 3 pretty good guys would have to go down the road. It was a true dilemma. Most of them were hand-picked during the good years. Back when the department had been dumped on me as the de-facto boss, no official title or pay raise at first. But I had stepped in and did the job. Hiring good people and forming a tight unit. Now it was going to be blown apart and I had to do that also.
Time ticked by and I found I had refilled my glass and I was not getting tired just drunk. I thought to myself, yeah this is going to be great, you can go into that meeting tomorrow drunker than a skunk, that will show ‘em! But the truth was right now I had no where else to turn. As it had been during so many other times of pressure and decision, I was once again turning to booze for help. Problem was, it never helped before and I was sure it was not going to help now. I wanted to cry out, “Help me!” But the room was empty, and I knew the truth, I was alone in this world. No one could help me. Not my wife, not my boss and well, just no one. I took a long drink off my glass and put my head back, closing my eyes.
Are you this alone today? Are there decisions in your life that keep you from sleeping and causing you to turn to an unhealthy habit or addiction. Boy, have I been there? I cannot tell you how many of my life decisions, I mean life changing decisions, have been made while under the influence of alcohol or drugs or both. During those years I truly felt alone. And the alcohol/drugs would only isolate me even more. It was a miserable existence. I can admit that now. But getting beyond that place has been a journey. That journey began when I opened God’s Word, the Bible.
Some one reading this may ask, “How can a book do that? How can a man who believed in nothing become a true believer?” I can’t say I have an answer to that except that once I made the commitment to be in the Word daily things in my life started to change. I found I did not swear like I once had. I noticed things I had never seen in years, the beauty of a sunrise, the wonder of a quiet forest. Simple things. But mostly the feeling of isolation was slowly melting. I read promises like: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) And I tested them. When I was in a time of decision instead of reaching for a bottle, I searched the Word to find a promise I could claim. At first, I would say the same thing as I once did holding a drink, “It couldn’t hurt!” As I saw answers to some tough question come and they were not always as I sought but I knew they were right, I started feeling peace in a way that surpasses anything I had known.
You may ask, “Can it be that simple?” To that I can answer yes and no. It is that simple, but it is not effortless. God’s promise is if we are willing, He is able. If we desire His presence, He will be with us, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) As I grew to trust in Him, He opened the door more and more. How cool is that!
The day of that tough decision I had none of these blessings. I arrived at work still drunk enough not to care and pick the guys to layoff by drawing straws. I do not know how this affected their lives, except for one, who I later hired as an outside detailer. I never found peace with my decision and my drinking increased to be problematic with the company. I stayed employed but was at odds with everyone. Isolated and bitter. Today, I know that I have a Savior. I know what He desires for me. Decisions are still tough but in prayer and faith I make them. It sure beats my old system! Be in His Word daily, He will be there for you!
Blessings John
1/16/19
