It was up to me. I knew the guy did not have the money, so I should not make the deal, period. I knew the policy. No money no drugs. As we sat in my truck, I lit up a cigarette and looked at him. This guy looked desperate. I knew that hungry look in his eyes. I had been there. What now, should I have mercy on him?
I had been dealing now for over six months and I was becoming more cold blooded every day. It seemed like over half the people I dealt with were looking for handouts and a lot of them were my friends or at least they used to be. I could not carry every one of them. Bottom line was that I had to support my habit and friends or no friends, money needed to be up front.
Jet, my dealer, kept meticulous books. He fronted me just enough meth to make the deals. My cut always came in drugs. If I was short money he would get it out of me one way or the other. Mercy and kindness was not part of the drug business.
Now as I sat in the cab of my truck, I looked over at the guy and said, “Listen partner, you called me and guaranteed that you had the cash. Now here we sit. I got the goods, but you got an empty wallet. Cash, my friend, that is what we need to get this done. So, I think you need to find it or walk.” He looked over at me with bloodshot eyes and said, “Come on, John. You know I am good for it. How many times have we partied together. I am just a little short, help a brother out, will ya?”
I was getting angry and annoyed. “Help, a brother out!” I thought. “No one wants to help me.” The anger sucked out any thoughts of mercy I had. I reached under the seat and brought out the miniature ball bat I carried with me everywhere. Holding it in front of his eyes, I said, “Get out of my truck or come up with the cash, I don’t care but quit wasting my time!” He cringed back from the bat and fumbled for the door handle without looking. Once he was on the pavement, he shook his head and tears began to fall. Strung out and without the stuff he needed. His tough luck, I had me to look out for. Just another loser.
The one thing all addicts have in common is we look out for number one, ourselves. One of the things I found hard to trust when I started reading the Bible was that there could be any God who would love so much that He could forgive and be merciful to us no matter what we did. That just didn’t make sense to me. The things I had been taught about God as a kid didn’t seem to jibe with this. That God was hard core and mean. And now I was learning about this loving God and the extent of that love was more than my addict brain could comprehend.
It was not a short trip for me to trust and believe. I remember I found the Gospel of Matthew VCS tapes in a thrift store and brought them home. I had not read this gospel yet and thought, watching it would be cool. So, I did, and I got to this one part where Jesus is talking to Peter. Peter says, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times, but seventy time seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22) Then Jesus tells him the story of the about a servant that owed a king ten thousand talents. I didn’t know it back then but that is like 200,000 years’ worth of wages. And this king forgives the debt. Still this servant has a guy who owes him 100 denarii and he beat him and has him thrown in jail. The king finds out and makes the servant pay, with his life. Jesus ends this story by saying, “So will my heavenly Father do unto to you, if you do not forgive your brother every one of his debts from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)
I remember how that struck me back then. Jesus was saying we have a God who will forgive us basically anything and all he asks in return is that we forgive others who sin against us and we do it from the heart. At the time I could not accept that type of love and mercy because I was still too self-dependent. But as my heart healed and my body withdrew from the influences of alcohol and drugs, I found that it was the life changing truth!
“Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5:7) I believe this today. I have been shown mercy for debts I could never repay. Sin upon sin. A Savior on the cross who begged mercy for me, “Father, forgive them they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:24) But am I keeping up my side of the bargain. Can I forgive when someone cuts in front of me on the highway? Can I show mercy to the guy who holds different views than mine, looks different than I do? No way! At least not on my own. But I can claim the mercy that comes from and through His grace, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16) It’s no longer about me, it’s all about Him. Unbelievable, huh? But oh, so true!
Addictions can hold you from accepting the mercy God wants to give you. Maybe today you are struggling with something and do not believe there is hope for you. My friend, God has ten thousand talents of forgiveness he wants to give you. The thing is He is so rich with mercy that we will be feeling the blessing of it throughout eternity. I had no mercy in my life as a drug dealing addict, but the cross of Jesus Christ has changed all that. Are you ready for a change?
Blessings John
11/3/17