Sitting with my family, the pain seemed unbearable. Our pastor spoke words of comfort but at the moment I could find no comfort in them. I knew that soon I would be called up to speak a eulogy for my wife and now I wasn’t certain if I could go through with it.
It had been a very long journey. Dianne had discovered she had Multiple Myeloma, a virulent form of cancer, during a time when we were separated. In 1999 our relationship had its last threads torn as I continued to succumb to my addictions while her health was failing.
We were living in the wilds of Utah at the time, a small town near Dinosaur National Park, by the name of Vernal. I was superintendent for a Salt Lake based concrete reinforcing company and oversaw a major addition to the city’s waste water treatment facility. But once again my life was out of control. After years of field work and substance abuse, I knew my career seemed to be at an end. This drove me farther into addiction and farther from my wife.
But after years of separation and struggles, we, through the grace of God, survived as a couple. By the year 2010 we were living back in Dianne’s hometown of Grants Pass, Oregon. Our walk with God had begun and was starting to show fruit. Even though now we both were struggling with forms of cancer, our lives were heading in the right direction. Within a few years both of us had been baptized but little by little I could see her health was deteriorating and no amount of prayers seemed to be slowing that down.
Then came 2014, a year where one health issue after another struck Dianne. Starting on January third, when a routine colonoscopy went terribly wrong and emergency surgery was needed to repair a torn length of large colon. For three months we struggled to get her healthy again. Just to find new issues as it seemed there were problems with her liver, but no one could diagnose it. Horrific pains in her spine were added in late summer. Finally, in October cancer was found to be the cause of all of it, as tumors were massed in liver and on the spinal cord. From there all our care and love was to no avail. She past away in late December. And now I was sitting in the front pew of my church, no heart left in me. Thinking, “My God why have you forsaken me?”
Death. We mourn the lost of a loved one and I can tell you there seems to be no comfort. After my wife passed away, I found my fledgling faith was being strained to its limits. Prayers that once flowed were dammed up somewhere inside of me and now when they did escape seemed to be so puny and meaningless that I just gave up trying. The crazy thing is that I put up this strong front on the outside. I was still going to all the church functions. A regular at Sabbath service. Still highly involved in all my ministries. And even attending prayer meeting every Wednesday. But it was all a shell. Inside I felt as if God had abandoned me and right when I was getting it all together. “Why?” I kept saying. “Why?” But no answers. None. Or so I thought.
In Jesus most remembered sermon, he said this, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) I can tell you the first three months after my wife’s passing I felt neither blessed or comforted. But our God is an awesome God. When he makes promises He always keeps them. And every one of the so-called Beatitudes of Matthew chapter 5 are just that, Jesus, the Son of God, promising that when we put all our faith in God, there will be answers.
In my case in came in the form of a young pastor who saw my pain and my heart. With the guiding of the Holy Spirit he offered me the one thing that could crack that phony shell I was living in and open the gates to my oh so needed prayer life again. He asked me to be co-leader of Wednesday night prayer meeting.
Strange, huh, he was asking me to lead in the place where I now felt the least comfortable. But in truth it was not strange at all. Listen to these words from Psalm 139, “O Lord you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold O Lord, you know it all together. You hem me in, behind and before and lay your hand upon me.” (Psalm 139:1-5) Do you see it? Our God knows our thoughts before we even speak, he knows our needs. He knows when we mourn. His knows how to comfort us. Read the rest of this Psalm when you have the time, it is one of the best definitions of who our God is you will ever read. I love it!
The lead in prayer meeting forced me to open God’s word again. As the words flowed into my broken heart, it started to mend. I found my faith was now firmer than it had ever been. And it did not stop there.
In 2016 I was sure I was back, and everything would go on safe and secure now. But our God was not content to just lead me out of mourning. Those prayer meetings, led that same pastor to suggest I lead a Revelation Seminar, which led to taking a more active leadership role in my church, which led to my retirement and my full- time ministry sharing the stories of what God has done in my life. And if that is not enough. I met a woman of God, even though I was not looking, on Facebook of all places. That led to a wonderful relationship. We were married last December. Which led to a move across the country from Oregon to Georgia, which led to life joy filled and blessed. Awesome God? What do you think?
If you mourn today, keep your faith in God, your eye upon Jesus and trust in His promise, those that mourn will be comforted. Allow yourself to grieve and allow those around you to help God’s healing powers to flow into you. Stay strong and hopeful. He knows you and loves you. Blessed comfort is on the way and more!
Blessings John
10/25/17