The bridge deck was long. It was now 11:30 and my crew had been working since dawn. As more rebar was being hoisted and the layout gang was spreading it out in front of us. My guys were on ‘tie up’ duty. Every intersection needed to be tied. Eight guys spread across the deck moving forward bent over and tying as fast as they could. I knew my job and it was to keep them bent over without a lot of straightening and standing around. As lunch was approaching this was getting tougher.
The whole crew had been in the bar the night before and now sweating out the booze we had drank was slowing the work down. One of my guys was falling behind and I went over where he was standing. I said, “What’s up Tommy? You are falling behind!” There was no softness of sympathy in my voice as I continued, “You know the routine, brother. Either keep up or get out.” Tommy looked at me with bloodshot eyes and spoke in a raspy voice, “Listen, boss, I am really hurting today. You know how it is. How about just a little slack until lunch and I will pick it back up once I can feed the fire.” I knew he was referring to sucking down a line or two of speed but I had a job to do, “No man, there is no slack here. You were sucking down them rum and cokes last night, now suck it up and catch up!”
He looks at me with sorrowful eyes and said, “You are a hard man, John. I don’t think I have ever seen a bit of compassion in you. I chuckled at this and said, “Listen, brother, don’t get paid to show you or anyone compassion. My job is to get as much of this deck done today as fast as we can. You want sympathy and compassion find yourself a minister or a soft-hearted woman. I ain’t either one so get down to it.” Tommy moaned as he bent over again and started moving forward. He was now on my short list for getting sent down the road. I had no place in my life to be anyone’s kinder and gentler guy.
Drugs and alcohol are a tough taskmaster! Under their influence I couldn’t find a sympathetic bone is my body. Everyone was suspect to me and including family and friends. During those years I thought of God, if he did exist, as a tough guy, just like me. I saw the world around me and all the stuff going on and like so many I said, “If there is a God who is gentle and lowly in heart, I sure couldn’t find Him in the world I was living in!” The problem was that my addictions had hardened my heart so much that His love couldn’t find a way in.
I guess then the question is, “How did I get here?” How did I come to believe that not only was our God loving and gentle but was that way with me, even when I was still wallowing in my own sins? It was not easy but He had a way.
When I took the challenge to read the Bible, I was sure that nothing could touch me. But as I read and listened the power of His Word was amazing. At first I did not see it. I was still drinking and living pretty much as I had before but others started to notice a change in my language. Even the tone of my voice seemed gentler. I didn’t understand, “What was happening?” After about a year I started to get it, the more I input the Word of God the more I was being transformed!
Within two years my even my addictions didn’t have power over me anymore. I walked away from alcohol and drugs. Soon the promises of God not only became real but were now my reality! And as I saw the Savior’s gentleness in my life I became gentler with those around me.
Jesus said this, “Take my yoke on you, and learn of me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) Just words to me only a few years before took on such meaning. I understood that if my burden was too much, Jesus was willing to come along side of me and actually ‘yoke’ Himself to me. If I was willing to repent and admit that I could not do it alone, the cross I was bearing would become lighter. The more I learned about Jesus, His gentleness became mine. So much so this hard-hearted man in 2012 sought to follow the words of Peter in the Book of Acts, “Repent and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38) I was baptized with water and the Holy Spirit opened me to His fruits, I began actually to live that kinder and gentler life. If old Tommy could only see me today. I pray he might read this!
I no longer work in the construction trade. My life is sharing what God has done for me. I still look at the world and do not see His Gentle Spirit living among us way too often. And often still struggle to find that gentleness and humility in myself. But I know it is a prayer away. I know that when I feel my heart harden, I can turn to see my Savior on the cross. Through the pain and burden of my sins He looks at me and says, “Father forgive him he knows not what he is doing.” It melts my heart. It is then I can say with the old hymn, “Loving Jesus, gentle Lamb, in Thy gracious hands I am; Make me, Savior, what Thou art, Live Thyself within my heart. From hard core to heart felt, who’d a thunk it?
Blessings John
10/11/17