“Sobriety ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” I thought as I sat in my room on a Friday night. I had been sober now for over three weeks and it was really getting on my nerves. I knew I should find a AA meeting but it just didn’t seem like the thing to do tonight. “I should be out partying.” It was all I could think about.
I knew that the bar I hung out at, only about four blocks from here, would be jumping by now. I wondered if my dealer would be there. Just a quarter gram of ‘crank’ would get me right. Yeah, a few lines and a couple whiskey and cokes, I could be back here before midnight, no muss, no fuss.
As I sat there I could feel the burn of the drugs and the cool taste of my drink. “I just ain’t fair! Why should I have to be cooped up in here, when all the whole world is out having a good time. I can start sobriety again tomorrow.” I mumbled these words pacing the room.
As I sat at on the edge of the bed, I knew my self-control was about to crack. Grabbing my coat, I headed toward downtown Salt Lake City with every intention of going to the church on State Street where the AA meeting was being held. “I will get there and these urges will go away. Maybe I should call my sponsor. No, I will just head to the meeting, that will be enough, he is probably there.” I began to walk at a quicker pace, sweat now forming on my brow and between my shoulder blades.
As I entered the basement door of the church, I could smell coffee and cigarette smoke, it didn’t comfort me. I wanted a drink! With all the control I had left I took a seat in the back row. Testimonies had already started and a grey-haired man was droning on about his life before he connected with his ‘higher power’ which changed his life. “Spare me!” I thought. “This higher power stuff is the whole problem with AA. Higher power, what higher power?” I shook my head and snickered at the gullibility of some people. Scanning the crowd for Bill, my sponsor. I could see he was not around.
Within a few minutes, I knew there was no hope I needed to find my dealer. I needed a drink. With all my self-control and determination shattered, I rushed out the door and headed for the bar.
If you have been reading my blog for the last couple of weeks you have seen that I have been writing about ‘Fruit of the Spirit’ as defined in the book of Galatians 5:22-23. Each day sharing how a particular ‘fruit’ has helped in my journey from addict to clean and sober follower of Jesus Christ. Today, I have come to the final fruit, self-control, some call it temperance. Either way, it was in my lost years something that was beyond my understanding. As many times as, I struggled to control my addictions that many times I failed. It didn’t matter, be it a twelve-step program or individual counseling. Nothing could curb my urges or my drives for the substances that controlled me. There was no hope. I was controlled and was out of control.
The thing is we have a God of infinite mercy and love. Don’t skip over this, let me say it again, “We have a God of infinite mercy and love!” In fact, He is more than that, “…God is love.” (1 John 4:8) And it is because of this that I went from a man out of control to a man of self-control in less than two years. God’s love as shown in the cross of Jesus Christ did that. Simple right…. Wrong!
Addictions and being in the grip of them do not go away easily for some of us. Yes, I have heard the miracle stories of those who prayed for release and bam, it happened in a day or a week. But that is not my story. It was a step by step process. I felt sometimes I was in the battle of for my very life and of course, I was.
But the God who is love, gave us the book which can mend every broken life, can heal every wound, and can provide control over the uncontrollable, it is called the Bible. It is there I found the words of power I did not have. Promises that over time I found could be trusted. The cool thing is that I did not come to this book believing it could do anything. But slowly it did, without my knowing it I came to see in my life that “…the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joint and marrow; it can judge the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrew 4:12) When you let it in, you open the door to the Holy Spirit.
I know that many of you, like me not that long ago, are struggling to believe in anything. Struggling for control in your life. Try opening the Bible, look for the Book of Hebrews, find Chapter 4 and verses 14 through 15 you will read this: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
You and I are offered hope to control what controls us in these words. If you are willing, Jesus is able. But if you find you aren’t ready to do this, why not visit my friend Cheri Peter’s website, www.truestep.org Check out the healing messages and videos available there. Whatever you do today, don’t live in hopelessness, reach out help is there even if you can’t believe it right now. Trust that this out of control man found the strength he did not have, it is called Grace and we all need it.
I certainly didn’t find it that night years ago. I found my dealer at the bar. I was not sober again for many years. But God is good and I write this it has been seven years since I had a drink and nine years without drugs controlling me. It just took that one step, inputting the Word of God in my life. I now live within the Fruit of the Spirit. “Can I hear an Amen.” AMEN.
Blessings John
10/13/17