How I lost my son…

I sat in the waiting room. It was a cold January morning. Snow had fallen the night before. As I looked out the window at Ishpeming Michigan, I lit another cigarette. My son was being born at that very moment and I was scared.
The doctor had told us weeks before that our child would need to be born by Cesarean Section, we had known the date of birth for a while now. So there was no big dramatic rush to the hospital. And now time ticked by ever so slowly, another fifteen minutes, half hour, “Is something wrong?” I thought and was about to light another cigarette when a smiling nurse came in the room. “Mr. Weston,” she said, “You have a fine baby boy!” “Can I see him?” I asked and she replied “Yes, follow me.”
As I walked down a long corridor my mind raced. A son,.. a boy! Was I ready for this? I was not sure. As we turned the corner a large glass window came into view. There were what seemed to be a hundred small beds with a hundred babies of every kind behind the glass. Now standing in front of it , I wondered if I would recognize my son, but scanning the babies they all looked pretty much the same. The nurse who had directed me went through a door and soon she was in the room picking up one of them. She held forth a bundle with a sleeping baby. She shook her head to acknowledge that this was my son. And as I looked at him I could only keep repeating, “That’s my son, …that’s my son.” I felt an emotion that I can only describe as complete love.
Jump forward forty-two years and that boy who I stared at with such love is estranged from me and has been for more years than I can remember. How could such love turn so cold and bitter? The simple answer is I chose my addictions even over than love of my child
This is a story I knew one day I would have to share here but I have always dreaded it. I can only share it because I know that His grace is sufficient and in sharing may others know that there is hope.
From that cold winter day in 1975, my son became the center of who I was for over six years. During that time, even though we traveled to follow the construction work, my family stayed together and my son was the joy in that family. My wife and I both struggled with our relationship, neither of us had a faith or belief in God and the marriage seemed doomed from the beginning.
In 1981 we agreed to divorce. Custody, visitation and child support all became issues over the next couple of years. I agreed to a large settlement but as the work became harder to come by, I fell behind on payments. Soon also my drinking was getting out of control and for the first time drugs became a serious issue. I was doing ‘meth’ at a rate I could not afford and was soon dealing drugs to support my habit. Little by little the love once so strong for my son was consumed by my addictions.
Years began to pass by. I moved from Washington to California losing even more contact with my son. My life continued to spiral out of control. Relationships and marriages came and went. I worked in several states but mainly now I was on the run from deals gone bad, taxes and child support unpaid.
In 1988 I was back in California and getting married again. This time the relationship though stormy stayed together. My wife encouraged me to reach out to my son, which I did. But again, my addictions and money issues got in the way and our relationship severed and has never been repaired, even when I reached out in 2006 after finding I had advanced prostate cancer, the damage was done.
After my baptism in 2012, I struggled with many things from my prior life. But the first thing I needed to know was that there was forgiveness even for me. I found that God’s Word provided assurance: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more.” (Isaiah 43:25) And little by little I believed that it was true. Accepting His grace through Jesus: “He himself bore our sins” In his body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live for righteousness. “by His wounds, you have been healed.” And my heart was healed. In all things except one, my son.
That has taken years for me to realize that I can reach out to him and ask his forgiveness and I have. But it is only through my prayers and the prayers of others that his heart can be healed and opened to God’s grace for him and by that same grace I am forgiven and healed. And I now trust this. My prayer for my son is that if we cannot meet here that we will in the heavenly kingdom, that the love I destroyed in his heart can be renewed by his accepting Jesus. Because in the end real love only comes from God because, “God is love.” May my son and yours and all of us claim that love in our lives
Blessings John
5/26/17