I sat on the couch. The party was in full swing. The house I shared with Lani was full of people from both bars we hung around in and anyone else they had invited. I could see people surrounding the kitchen table as lines of cocaine and speed were being cut up and shared. Leaning back, I tried to remember what day it was. I closed my eyes.
Soon as I did I felt someone plop on the couch next to me. Then an elbow in my ribs. I opened my eyes to see it was Lani and she was not looking too happy. I cleared my throat and asked, “What’s up?” Stone cold silence. This wasn’t good.
Lani and I had been friends for a couple of years. But never had been attracted to one another. When her last roommate had moved out she had asked me to move in. So far, it had worked out. We got along well but now I could see there was a problem.
For some reason the noise in the room had increased and I raised my voice to be heard over the din, “Ok, what it the problem? Say something, I can’t hear your brains rattle.” With that she turned to look at me and said, “Are you happy with all this!” The question surprised me and I asked, “All what?” Her hand swept out in front of her slowly, “This… the endless partying. The drugs. The booze. Maybe just life in general.”
I leaned back again and thought, “Ah oh, I hated this kind of stuff. Life questions.” But I said, “I don’t know, I guess I am happy enough. I mean, what else is there?” She sighed and I could see she was on the verge of tears. As she attempted to light a cigarette her hand was shaking and I took the lighter from her and lit it. Silence for a moment, then she said, “I got a call earlier today. My brother has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctors don’t give him a chance. Right now, life stinks and I can find no joy in it.”
I don’t know how many times during my ‘lost years’ I had a conversation like this one. A friend whose relative was dying or had passed away. A boyfriend locked away for some offense that normally had to do with supporting his habit. Or just a conversation about what an empty life we were all living. Anything that occurred during those years could steal our joy. It seemed to me that we were living a life of complete hopelessness and sought to sooth that with every substance known to man.
The truth is I don’t think you need to live a life of addictions to find your joy can be taken from you in a moment. I look around me and see that in our fast-paced world we seek instant gratification and mistakenly believe that is how happiness and joy is to be found. I know I chased it over forty years. It never happened.
One translation of Psalm 40: 4 says: “How happy is the man who has put his trust in the Lord and has not turned to the proud or those who run after lies.” That is powerful and begs the question, “Where do we find our happiness, in God’s promises or in running after empty promises offered in the world?” Turn on any device and you will be guaranteed a joyful life by just buying a product advertised in the endless commercials that permeate our media. Has it ever worked for you? I cannot say it has.
But isn’t that the American dream? Aren’t we promised the right to, “…life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”? My answer is yes. And we are blessed to live in a country where we can choose to do just that. And that is what it will always come down to, a choice.
I chose to chase joy contained in a bottle or a line of powder. Others seek it in possessions or careers. But Jesus challenged us with a radical thought on being joyful. He said, “Happy is a man who is humble, who mourns or is meek. Happy is the man who thirsts for the righteousness found only in God, or is merciful. Happy is the man who is a peacemaker or suffers because he follows the ways of a righteous God.” All of this can be found in what are called the Beatitudes in the Gospel of Matthew 5: 5-10, look them up and read some life changing word. The amazing thing for me is when I began to accept these radical promises in my life, I began to understand what the ‘pursuit of happiness’ is all about.
But I think the kicker that changed all my opinion about joy was when I read this the second part of Hebrew 12: 2, “…For the joy set before Him he endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Do you get it? Jesus’ joy is in our salvation. So much so He agreed to all torture, shame, and horrible death, just to someday be with me and you if you choose it, in a world made new. That changed me. That gave me hope. And in that hope, I now find my joy.
Can I say now that I am always happy as the world sees happiness. Nope, no can do. But I can say that I am always joyful. I find in this fruit of the Spirit, because in the end that is what joy is, Jesus gift to us. I can live a life fulfilled not in the things that this world offers but if I allow the Spirit to lead me, in a life fulfilled in the radical ways of the Savior. Humility that comes when I know Him who died for me. Peace because I trust in His promises. Mercy because He was merciful to me first. And allowed to experience His righteousness because of the cross and the grace of God. And so much more that I don’t have the room to write in a single blog page. But suffice to say, I chose Jesus as my endless supply of joy! It worked.
Lani lost her brother and we went on a three-day bender together. When those three days were done, even though neither of us would admit it, we felt even more empty than before. I regret that it did not open me to seek a better answer to life’s sorrows for many years to come. I can only thank God and those that prayed for me, because though Jesus, this sad addict has become a man of joy. It is gift He offers to us all, you just have to choose it.
Blessings John
9/27/17