Month: January 2019

It was almost midnight. Soon it would be Saturday. Looking down at my drink I thought, “Big deal! In about 6 hours I need to be heading back to the job. There is no rest for the wicked!” At that thought I shook my head. One more and I better head to the house. 6:00 AM comes early. Downing the dregs of my drink, I held up my glass and Tommy the bartender brought the bottle. “Straight whiskey, good for what ails ya!” He said pouring me a double. I threw a ten on the bar and said, “Yeah, right! It doesn’t cure working seven 10’s.” He shrugged and took my money.

My crew had been working seven days a week, ten hours a day for over three weeks now and there were two more to go. Working a ‘shut down’ was like that. The big steel making plants of the Pennsylvania region would close down one of the blast furnaces and the local Ironworkers, Boilermakers and Carpenters had contracts to come in and overhaul and or repair whatever. We were erecting four new work platforms. The old ones had been built when the plant was new back in the early 1900’s. Ten hours a day cutting and welding. The work was dirty and hot, but the money was good. And, of course, money was what it was all about.

Leaving the bar around 12:30 I knew it would be a tricky drive home. The cops were out and about on Friday nights looking for guys like me. That was my main worry, as always. Not that I was getting behind the wheel after consuming close to a fifth of Canadian whiskey. I knew my ‘luck’ had been with me and one day again it would run out, but not tonight or this morning. As I drove, I thought how nice it would be to have a Saturday off. To kick back. To stay in bed until eight or nine. A day off! Man, I could sure use one of those.

I was raised out of my reverie by flashing lights a couple hundred yards ahead of me. Was it a roadblock checking for drunk drivers? If so, I was a dead duck. As I approached driving as carefully as possible, I saw it was an accident. I was relieved. Some poor sap had hit the curb and drove into a pole. A cop waved me around and I waved back like I was in total control. In truth I was shaking in my boots. Once past the scene all I could think was better that guy than me. I knew it was a mean thought. The guy could be dead, but I couldn’t afford another DWI. Saturday morning, drunk and driving, something like a prayer came into my mind, “thank you Lord and help who ever was in that accident.”

Where did that come from? I had no idea. And as I pulled into the motel parking lot, I felt a moment of unease. It was like I had forgotten something and just couldn’t remember. But as quickly as it had come it was gone. I had no time for this kind of stuff, I needed to hit the sack. It is a work day and there is money to be made. My luck was holding! I headed to my room.

I have thought of that Saturday morning more than once since I have surrendered my life to the Lord. Most of the times I think of it is on or right before the Sabbath begins. I remember the guy I was then. I guess I could be termed a God hater and a money worshipper. I strived to find jobs that worked 6 or 7 days a week. Yet on that Saturday morning, if only briefly, I believe I had a moment of clarity. I call them ‘Jesus interruptions’. If you have ever had one you know what I am talking about. It is like Jesus taps you on the shoulder or knocks you off your horse and says like He did with the apostle Paul, “…why are you persecuting me? Why are you fighting against my will?’ (Acts 26:14 NLT) I believe it that moment of relieve and also guilt, celebrating over someone’s misery, Jesus reached out to me and for a moment I responded.

Saturday’s have become very special to me. I have been convicted that it is and always has been the Lord’s Day. A time where He calls us to rest and to lay down our burdens. Since the creation of the world it has been so, “And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.” (Genesis 2:2) And He I think taps us on the shoulder to remind us in the fourth commandment, “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.” (Exodus 20: 8-10). On that Saturday long ago was He trying to remind me of more than my lack of love for others? I feel today He was, and I missed an opportunity to know HIS rest and HIS love, sadly for many more years to come.

But the wonder of our God, is that through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, He never gives up. As I look back, I know there were other time when Jesus sought to interrupt my life. Including meeting a Seventh Day Adventist bartender in Glendale, California. Even then it took years, but He called to her and reminded her of the Sabbath and with all blessings to me my wife Dianne responded. Until her death in 2014 she kept his day holy. For the rest of my life and into eternity I will do the same. Thank you, Lord.

I spent so many years wasting my Saturday’s earning an extra buck or two. These days I look forward to them with special glee. No money can replace the joy and rest He provides. I am blessed He reminds me of that Saturday morning often to show me the road I have been on and how far He has led me. This Sabbath I will lay down my burdens and thank Him again! Join me and find true rest and peace!

Happy Sabbath and Blessings,
John
1/18/19

I tossed from one side to another. The bed felt like I was sleeping on a rock. Raising up for what seemed the 100th time, I looked at the alarm clock and it was 20 minutes later than the last time I had looked, 11:40 PM. In less than 5 hours I would have to be up and on my way into the office and today there would be no avoiding it, decisions had to be made.

Climbing out of bed as quietly as possible, I crept into the kitchen. The light from the street lamp across the way lit the room well enough for me to see the cabinet above the refrigerator. Standing there for a moment staring at the it, I was trying to decide if a stiff drink from the bottle of scotch whiskey behind those doors would help to quiet my mind and make a decision. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave into the idea mumbling, “It couldn’t hurt.”

Once the drink was in hand, I moved to the living room and settled into the recliner which I considered to be ‘my’ chair. Pulling the handle to lean it back and extend the foot rest, I sat contemplating between sips of the amber liquid. Who was it going to be? Which three guys from my department would I recommend for pink slips, layoffs?

The problem had been with me for the last three weeks. Early in the month all department heads were called into the branch manager’s office and given the dictate, cut your staff by 30%. For me that meant 3 pretty good guys would have to go down the road. It was a true dilemma. Most of them were hand-picked during the good years. Back when the department had been dumped on me as the de-facto boss, no official title or pay raise at first. But I had stepped in and did the job. Hiring good people and forming a tight unit. Now it was going to be blown apart and I had to do that also.

Time ticked by and I found I had refilled my glass and I was not getting tired just drunk. I thought to myself, yeah this is going to be great, you can go into that meeting tomorrow drunker than a skunk, that will show ‘em! But the truth was right now I had no where else to turn. As it had been during so many other times of pressure and decision, I was once again turning to booze for help. Problem was, it never helped before and I was sure it was not going to help now. I wanted to cry out, “Help me!” But the room was empty, and I knew the truth, I was alone in this world. No one could help me. Not my wife, not my boss and well, just no one. I took a long drink off my glass and put my head back, closing my eyes.

Are you this alone today? Are there decisions in your life that keep you from sleeping and causing you to turn to an unhealthy habit or addiction. Boy, have I been there? I cannot tell you how many of my life decisions, I mean life changing decisions, have been made while under the influence of alcohol or drugs or both. During those years I truly felt alone. And the alcohol/drugs would only isolate me even more. It was a miserable existence. I can admit that now. But getting beyond that place has been a journey. That journey began when I opened God’s Word, the Bible.

Some one reading this may ask, “How can a book do that? How can a man who believed in nothing become a true believer?” I can’t say I have an answer to that except that once I made the commitment to be in the Word daily things in my life started to change. I found I did not swear like I once had. I noticed things I had never seen in years, the beauty of a sunrise, the wonder of a quiet forest. Simple things. But mostly the feeling of isolation was slowly melting. I read promises like: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) And I tested them. When I was in a time of decision instead of reaching for a bottle, I searched the Word to find a promise I could claim. At first, I would say the same thing as I once did holding a drink, “It couldn’t hurt!” As I saw answers to some tough question come and they were not always as I sought but I knew they were right, I started feeling peace in a way that surpasses anything I had known.

You may ask, “Can it be that simple?” To that I can answer yes and no. It is that simple, but it is not effortless. God’s promise is if we are willing, He is able. If we desire His presence, He will be with us, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) As I grew to trust in Him, He opened the door more and more. How cool is that!

The day of that tough decision I had none of these blessings. I arrived at work still drunk enough not to care and pick the guys to layoff by drawing straws. I do not know how this affected their lives, except for one, who I later hired as an outside detailer. I never found peace with my decision and my drinking increased to be problematic with the company. I stayed employed but was at odds with everyone. Isolated and bitter. Today, I know that I have a Savior. I know what He desires for me. Decisions are still tough but in prayer and faith I make them. It sure beats my old system! Be in His Word daily, He will be there for you!

Blessings John
1/16/19

“Home sweet home!” I said sarcastically upon entering the motel room in which I was now residing. The place was old. Most of the furniture was straight out of the 1930’s. The bed might have been older. A mattress that had horse hair or feathers for padding and a creaky box spring that moaned under any weight. Musty smells of age-old carpets and wall paper whose flowered patterned now look wilted. There was nothing to recommend this motel except its cheap week to week price and the fact that a few months ago it had been a location shoot in the movie “Fletch” with Chevy Chase. The thing about that is we the paying residents had been evicted for 2 days and only allowed in after the shooting had wrapped around 9:00 PM each of those nights. And we certainly didn’t get a rebate on the rent or even autographed photos of the movie’s star, but the owners did. Chevy’s photo now hung proudly in the drab office where most of the scene’s were shot. And to add insult to injury, they were about to raise our rent because of this newly found star quality for this dump. Can you believe it?

I sure couldn’t. Sitting in the rickety chair near the door I knew there was no way I would be able to pay the extra ten bucks a week that was now about to be demanded of my ever-dwindling bank roll. I had not worked in a month. Ever since my so-called partner had fired me over an argument we had. I had cut back on my expenses. One meal of carrots a day for the last week, along with only one pack of cigarettes until yesterday now it was digging around for old butts to smoke. No bar time and stretching out a fifth of booze, now it was gone. My resources were tapped. If I could only get fronted an 8 ball of speed to sell, I could live on that. But there were no friends for a guy who was down and out. I was sure next week I would be living in my car. I thought, its not so bad I had done it before. Some panhandling and I would be fine. A fleeting thought, maybe I should pray. But with a shrug I shook it off.

As I sat contemplating, there was a knock on my door. Peeking through the ancient curtains I saw my partner, he was looking around as if he were afraid of being mugged. What did he want? Last thing I needed was for him to rub it in. Look how the mighty have fallen or something like that. Maybe I should just not answer it. Either way I opened the door and he came into the dank room. Sitting on the chair I had just vacated, he didn’t smile or have his usual smug attitude. In fact, he seemed…. What is the word? Humble. What the…?

All I could say was, “What’s up, Dave? What brings you to the Mormon capital of the world? Too boring up in Ogden?” He stuttered and said, “Listen, partner….” He must have seen the dark look on my face at the word partner. “John, man, I made a bad mistake.” Then silence. I knew what was coming and I wanted to gloat. Oh man, I wanted my revenge. He had come here hat in hand to ask me to come back to work. My mind went to all the things I could demand from him. Make him pay. Revenge was going to be sweet.

Revenge. I lived in a constant state of it most of my life. You just did not want to wrong me! If it was real or imagined on my part if you did something I perceived as a wrong, you went on my list. If it took hours, days or even years I would pay it back and hopefully double fold. I seemed to live for it. I remember the evil joy I would get making someone’s life miserable. So many hours wasted planning and scheming how it could be done. When I came to the Lord, he rooted out so many things, but this remained for more years than I would like to admit. I could not seem to surrender my need for revenge.

But our God is gracious. He is long suffering and forbears even with hard-hearted men like me. He knew I needed to be humbled in a way that was complete for me to see that there was nothing I could do to change events around me. The final months of illness of my wife did that.

There was a doctor who had been my wife’s physician for years. In the last year of her life, time after time he misdiagnosed her condition. Within three months of her death he just threw up his hands and made the unbelievable statement to my wife’s face, “You will probably not live to see Christmas and there is little anyone can do about that.” After he had blundered and bullied his way taking care of her. Now he added this insult to injury. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted revenge.

It was my dying wife who had been a partner in vengeance so many times in our marriage, who now born again in Jesus said, “I see the hate in your heart, John. You need to surrender that. If you do not, it will eat you alive.” Her acceptance and peace amazed me and over the months of being her caregiver, I found my heart changing also. God used this terrible trial to be one of saving grace for both of us.
The apostle Paul says this, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “Vengeance is mine; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” (Romans 12:19)

It took years for these verses to be real to me. To understand loving my enemy, real or perceived, will do more to change their lives than any torment I could imagine. Sharing the love of God with all is the results of a truly surrendered life. I am not there in total yet, but I know the path and pray it every day.
My partner was not so blessed. He did come to ask me to return and run a project in which the man he had taken on in my place had abandoned. I made him pay. I look back in embarrassment now. And unfortunately, it was not the last time. But by God’s grace I now seek to love and let God worry about His revenge. The heat of vengeance still flares in my heart but now I know I can surrender it to Him. I pray the same for you.

Blessings
John
1/14/19

I was in the middle of the chaos, that was an excuse for an outdoor rock concert. I had been asked by a friend of mine to go with him. He had an extra ticket and I had no objection to freebies. But now I was thinking it was not the best idea.

The band on stage was playing loudly but I heard little of it over the din of noise and shouting going on around me. My best solution to the problem was to get higher than I already was and make the best of it. Leaning into my friend I shouted, “Hey, man, they are selling beer back by where we came into this jungle. I am in need of a brew. You want to come?” He shook his head no. I shrugged and was sure I would never find him again in this mess, so I said, “Ok, then I will probably meet you at the car when this thing is over.” It was his turn to shrug.

As I pushed through the sea of people. It was like a salmon swimming upstream, the crowd seemed to be ever surging in the direction of the stage. I was heading away, and the effort was wearing me out and ticking me off. Within 100 yards of the concession stand everything came to a complete stop. Being taller than most I could see a knot of people about half way. It did not look good. I was sure a fight had broken out and it was spreading in my direction. Trying to back pedal. I felt my foot come down a what I assumed was either something on the ground or another person’s foot. There was no surprise when I heard a screech and was shoved. Then a woman’s shrill voice, “Hey (expletive), are you trying to break my ankle?” Quickly lifting my foot but still moving backward, I came even with my victim. She was short, redheaded and had balled up fists. Throwing up my hands I said, “I am sorry but if you want to hit me do it now because if not there are some real fists being thrown about 20 feet from us. If we don’t get out of here it is going to hurt.”

It was like she had not noticed the whirlwind of people not heading our way. And standing on her tip toes strained to see. I made a decision and grabbed her by the arm, risking her wrath and weighing it against the mob’s. She didn’t resist as much as I thought she would and soon we were making a retreat heading not toward the stage but laterally away from the approaching brawl.

Within a minute or so both of us, with effort found ourselves near the hurricane fence that was at the perimeter of the crowd. There was breathing room at last. Letting go of her arm, I apologized, “I am sorry, but I didn’t really think I had much of a choice. You can hit me now if you feel like it.” I saw fleeting anger flash into her eyes then they softened. She turned to look and from our vantage point could see the area we had just vacated was now engulfed in chaos as security guards rushed in to break up the mob. She turned back to me with a smile, “How could I hit you, my hero!” Her words dripped with sarcasm but there was also a note of relief. As we looked out on the spectacle that was this thing called a rock concert, I so wanted just to be somewhere peaceful. But as the music blared from speakers and the crowd noise swelled, I realized this was my world. There was no peace unless I found it in my drug of choice, alcohol. I bent down and asked the girl if she wanted to get out of here. I knew a place that served a mean drink and man, was it quiet. She nodded ok.

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.” (John 14:27) Jesus spoke these words to reassure his frightened disciples that his imminent departure was a good thing and necessary. To me these words have been part of my transformation, they spoke to me about the life I came from. His words, “I do not give it to you as the world gives…” are so true. For me the world never offered me true peace only a false or manufactured version of it. In fact, the only peace and solace I could find involved escape from the world I knew with alcohol and drugs.

But the peace offered by Jesus is so different. In a troubled and fear mongering world only He can and does bring real and sustained peace. The thing is the world has not changed. Or if it has, it is only for the worse. Yet in the midst of it I now find I have what the apostle Paul describes, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, and it will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) No drug of any kind can offer it and no human hand can deliver it. True peace of God comes through surrender at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. That is where I found it and I am still amazed by it.

But back in that world and on that crazy day, I left my friend behind and with a girl I didn’t even know, ran to find ‘peace’ in a dark bar and copious amount of alcohol and lines of drugs. Somewhere during that night before I left the bar she slipped away. I never saw her again. Just two people lost and seeking peace but finding loneliness and turmoil. When I remember and write about any one from back in the day, I pray for them. I do so today, and I pray for all to find the peace that only comes from the true source. May it be yours today!

Happy Sabbath and Blessings,
John
1/11/19

“Run for your life!” June had entered the living room shouting and more excited than I had seen her before. There was the normal crowd in the room gathered around the water pipe that sat on the coffee table. We were smoking hash and most of us were pretty wasted. Being so June’s announcement took awhile to register. But way too late it became apparent that the cops were on the premises and we were about to be raided. For sure it was way too late.

No more than a minute, it seemed, after June entered, three men with weapons drawn entered the room. Pushing June aside they were barking orders for everyone to sit still and keep our hands where they could be seen. Being on the sofa facing the door I was looking directly at the action but because of the drugs had little concern or comprehension what it all meant.

One of the cops moved quickly to grab the water pipe and the bag of hash that was laying on the table. The other two were yanking those across from me to their feet and binding their hands with plastic ties then lining them up against the wall, after reading each their rights. Quickly they got to me and I was processed like the others. And with confusion still reigning we were finally marched down the apartment house stairs and herded into waiting vans, vehicles we used to call ‘paddy wagons’

My head was beginning to clear and I could see most in this van were starting to get the picture also. We were under arrest and this was not going to be good for anyone in the crowd. Looking from face to face I could see just about everyone with me were in the drug business in one way or the other. At best we had a night of questions and night court ahead of us. And at worse, right now cops were tearing apart each of our apartments looking for enough evidence to put us all away for a while.

One thing I knew for sure was each one of us was trying to figure out the best ‘angle’ to get ourselves out of this. How much did the cops really know? Maybe I would have to sell someone down the river to buy my freedom. Was I going to be willing to do that? ‘Rat’ on someone. As the van pulled to a stop, I knew the answer. I would be willing to sell my own mother or maybe even my soul to get out of doing time. Honor among thieves. Huh, that may be true, but I didn’t think it worked so well with drug dealers.

I was thinking about this arrest, it just came out of the blue. I believe it is the Holy Spirit. The great thing is I don’t find anything about memories like this to be good or bad anymore. What they do always is to bring to mind a verse or two from God’s Word that apply or should apply to my life now. This morning was no different: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

I guess you could ask, “How does that work? You remember a time in your past when you were morally bankrupt, and it brings a verse to mind?” Strangely enough, yes. The great thing about having the Word of God in my life is that it can take all the garbage that is still stored up in my head and turn it into a reminder of what my life can be now. I don’t have to be that man who spent years running, hiding and ready to sell my own soul for self-gratification. I can be the man who now seeks the truth, the noble, righteousness, purity, loveliness and one of admirable thoughts and actions. But also know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) Me, the drug dealer. The one low enough to sell his mother or his soul to save himself, was saved by the one who would have died just to save me. Can you believe it? I do!

But years ago, as I was herded into a holding cell filled to the max, I could smell fear all around me. In that moment I knew I could trust no one and it was every man or woman for themselves. Eventually, I was called into a drab interview room and there two cops proceeded to grill me about everything and everyone I knew at the time. To my relief they did not ask me to throw anyone under the bus. It turned out I was not the one they were after and they didn’t seem to think I was valuable enough to worry about. I was soon in night court where I pled guilty to misdemeanors but seeing it was not my apartment or my drugs, I was set free. But free to do what? Return to my life now warier and even less trusting than the world around me. It would be over 20 years before I found true freedom in these words: “…If you continue in My word, you are truly My disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (from John 8: 31-32) Today I am free indeed. How about you?

Blessings John
1/9/19