Month: November 2019

The deal was for a ‘key’ of crystalline crank, what a lot of the speed freaks were now calling ‘meth’. I had agreed to be at the meet because I was into my dealer for over two thousand dollars. He now owned me and I knew it.

As we sat in his Vette, he was smoking Swisher Sweet cigars which smelled like oily rags to me. I could tell he was nervous but I tried to hold it together, even though I knew the danger I was in. Scanning the parking lot, I thought to myself, “This is it, if you meet with the source, these guys will never let you out of their sight.” Life as I knew it was over. I had sold myself for six months of partying.

I heard the rustle of his leather jacket and saw that Jet, one of his many aliases, was digging out an amber colored vial. Opening it he scooped out a blast of meth with a coke spoon and snorted it. Turning to me he said, “Here ya go, John Boy, see there are benefits of riding shotgun!” He offered me a spoonful and I sucked it down. “Yeah, brother, we are family now. But when these guys show up, lay back and let me do all the talking. If they ask you anything just nod and point to me. It is better that way for you and for me.” I had no problem with this, the last thing I wanted right now was to be noticed.

I reached in my pocket and lit up a cigarette. I could see that my hand was shaking, some from the situation mainly because the crank hit me hard with ‘rushes’ and I really needed a drink to even out. “Why didn’t I bring a bottle?” I thought. Leaning my head back and closing my eyes I tried to understand how I had gotten here. Only a year ago I had been married, it was not a good marriage but I had my son in my life every day! Now after a war-torn divorce, my addictions were out of control. I had seen my son less and less. I was about to become a drug dealer. My life was in the tank, and the problem was I did not seem to care.

Addictions, some of us wear them like a badge. Others try to hide them and still others refuse to even admit they exist. In this sin worn world every one of us struggle with some form of them, if we want to admit it or not.

After much prayer, I have chosen to share my history with addiction in this blog. Not to boast, heaven forbid. But to open a door that maybe some of you who read this do not want open. I do it because I know who is waiting on the other side of that door, Jesus Christ. And He is the only one who can help us when we are ready to admit our struggles and are willing to turn them over to Him.

Addiction, I think is a word that most people associate with people like myself, strung out on drugs. Seeking that next drink. Substance abusers. And, of course that is very true, we are addicts. But I have come to see that addictions run much deeper. The definition that I give it these days is: “Anything that we become obsessed with other than God.” What is it each day that you feel you cannot live without? Maybe it is that cup of coffee. That reality show. That piece of cake. Or maybe, as unlikely as it seems, it is that good work you seek to do and have become obsessed with. Simple things that in themselves are harmless, until they become more important than your or my daily walk with the Savior.

The apostle Paul wrote this powerful verse, “I have the right to do anything,” you say- but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” – but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12) We have the right of free choice, it is a God given right. But not every choice we will make today will be beneficial. And if we are being mastered by our addictive choices and they are controlling us than we will find ourselves farther from God. It always works that way.

Jesus through the cross offers us a better reality. The amazing thing is that no matter how far that addiction takes us away from Him, “He has now reconciled you in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before Him.” (Colossians 1:22) Can you wrap your mind around this? If we are willing to surrender our struggle with whatever it is over to Him. He has already dealt with the sin involved. You are without reproach and can have the holiness He seeks for you and me. But He cannot do that if you are not willing.

I came to Jesus still deep in my addictions. I was arrogant and unbelieving. But as I began to see in His Word the love He had for me, a sinner and still unrepentant. I came across these words, “But God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us.” (Romans 5:8) That was a reality I could not resist. It did not happen all at once but slowly I saw in the light of that love I had found the truth that was deeper than my addictions and in 2010 I took my last drink.

I wish I could say all my ‘addictions’ have melted away, not true. But the closer I draw to Jesus, the more I see things that are keeping me from the holiness he wants for me. It is amazing what He will show you once you open that door. But be assured you will never have to do it alone, He will be with you every step of the way!

That drug deal went down. My life did change for the worse. I began a separation with my son that has not healed to this day. Eventually I had to leave the state I was in and hide out in another to keep from being swept up in a huge sting that brought down most of the people I was dealing with. Friends put me abroad a plane and paid for the ticket. I look at it as God’s grace. The pain of all of this is still real to me. I choose to share praying one person might read this and find hope for themselves. It is my prayer today you will, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) There is nothing you have done, He cannot forgive. I am living proof. May you be also.

Blessings John

11/25/19

 

You’re going to have to serve somebody. It may be the devil or it may be the Lord but you’re going to have to serve somebody.” – Bob Dylan

“How much is this going to cost me?” I asked. It was around 4:00 PM Sunday and I was sitting across the table from my drug dealer. We had been there since I had gotten off swing shift, maybe 2:00 AM Saturday morning. The meth on the mirror between us was about gone and so was the half-gallon of Black Velvet whiskey. He didn’t look at me and just casually said, “Two Large.” I knew I was into him for quite a bit but that shocked me out of my haze. I looked at him and now he was staring at me with cold eyes, smiling. I tried to add up the parties of the last month and they all blurred together. Two thousand dollars, I didn’t have two thousand dollars! I said, “How much time do I have.” He smiled broader, “None, it’s pay day, brother!” I knew what was coming, he had been trying to get me to deal on the job site for him but I had refused. Now I was had. No choices left I begged him and he agreed I could work off my debt. You’re going to have to serve somebody!

From that moment, I became a drug dealer. The shock wore off soon enough. Before I knew it, I was ready to sell even to grade school kids, my son’s age. Yeah, once the choice is made, Satan becomes your master and nothing is out-of-bounds. And I wish I could say I had a revelation back then but I did not. I served him willingly. For over ten years I dealt leading people to destroyed lives. My best friend at that time, I introduced him to meth and became his dealer. He was a good guy with a nice family. Within two years he was divorced and pretty much living on the streets. I served Satan well.

I know a lot of people today think Satan is not real. Just another myth. But I am here to tell you he is real and if you are not serving the living God, you are serving him.

When I was first coming to belief in Jesus, I was given a book to read called “The Great Controversy”, I started to read it but I couldn’t believe what I was reading so I put it away. I picked it up again three years ago and this time my mind was ready, I know that I saw the world, it’s history and its future as it is for the first time. There is too much to write here on a blog page. But the book clearly describes the battle between God and Satan for our very being. It is available online. Take a look, it is pretty amazing.

But you do not need any other book than the Word of God to know the truth, look at what Jesus said in the Gospel of John, “You are of your father the devil, and you will do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8: 44). Pretty powerful stuff! Jesus tells the Pharisees that they are OF the devil. He is stating it clearly, if you are serving Satan you will end up being like him. When I agreed to deal drugs. I would lie, cheat and steal. I was serving the father of lying, cheating and stealing.

But, you know, there is another choice and that is to serve the living God. And in this choice there is no deception or lies. Just the act called repentance. The word repent has been given a bad rap when it simply means to turn away. When we turn away from Satan’s lies we turn to Him that is waiting for us to do just that. The book of Isaiah tells us, “Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God; there is no other.” (Isaiah 45: 22). When I did choose God, I found I could no longer do the things that came so natural and were so destructive. But there was more.

I repented and wanted to believe but Satan did not let go that easily. I struggled for 3 years. Could I really believe, could I trust God? Finally, it came down to Jesus. His words they became so powerful and clear, “Let your hearts be not troubled, trust in God and trust in me.” (John 14: 1) But the thing is He didn’t just say the words, he walked the walk. He went to the cross. He did what He said He would do! And He continues to do so right now as our advocate in the heavenly sanctuary. No lying here just plain truth. In the end trusting Him was a no brainer.

So, my friends, like me the choice is yours, you can serve Him who says: “I am the way, the truth and the life…” or you can serve the: “Liar and the father of lies.” But one thing is for sure Dylan had it right: “You’re going to have to serve somebody.”

Blessings John,

11/18/19

Six o’clock could not come soon enough! Was it Saturday or Sunday? Far as I could figure we had been on 7/10’s for over two months now and like happens when you work seven days a week, ten hours a day, neither days nor time have much relevance. All I wanted now was to find the closest liquor store and get me a fifth of whiskey and a 6 pack of malt liquor. Then head to the motel and clean this grime off of me. Food just wasn’t that important, but I sure needed a drink.

After getting the supplies at the liquor store, I pulled into the motel parking lot, but something was not right, cops were everywhere and there was an ambulance sitting almost directly in front of my door. What was going on? Trying to pull my truck into the parking lot around all the commotion, a cop stopped me and said, “You can’t come in here right now this is a crime scene.” As he was saying this, he was whirling his arm the direction I just came in, directing me out. When I didn’t back up, he drew closer to the window and said, “Hey, buddy, didn’t you hear what I said? I need you to get this vehicle out of here. No one is allowed to enter.” As he approached closer, I said, “Yeah, I heard you but that is my room and I need to get some sleep, 4:00 AM comes pretty quick. What am I supposed to do?”

All of a sudden, he seemed to have more interest in me. Looking closer at my truck, then going around to check out my license plate, he said, “Are you one of the construction workers staying here?” Now I felt a shock of fear run through me. Was all of this about one of my crew mates? Trying to think if anyone was missing onsite today or if someone had left early. No, all were accounted for, but still… Reluctantly I said, “Yeah I am here with four other guys, what is going on?” He told me to park my truck over in a vacant lot close to the motel, the Sergeant would probably like to talk to me. This was getting worser and worser.

Parking the truck, he came back with what looked like a plain clothes cop and before I could get out of my truck, he leaned into the window and said, “Could I see your ID, sir?” When I reached for my wallet, he spoke again, “Slowly, with one hand!” I raised my left hand and reached for my back pocket with my right, drawing out my wallet. Handing it to him, I asked again, “What is this all about? I just want to get to my room.”

He whispered to the uniform cop and I was sure they were going to run my info and as the uniform left, the Sergeant said, “Which room is yours, there has been an altercation here. A man has been injured outside that room.” He was pointing to my room and my heart went cold. I spoke with a shaky voice, “I am in room 4.” Pointing at the door where all the activity was going on. The uniform had come back as I was saying this and whispered to the Sergeant. Who then turned to me and said, “Mr. Weston, do you know a man named William Kyle?” I breathed in hard, thinking, Billy? What has happened to Billy? To the cop I just nodded and said, “Yeah, he is a friend of mine. What has happened to him?”

The cop did not give me the details, but it was clear that Billy had been jumped while knocking on my door. It seems some local, the husband of a girl Billy had been messing with had beat him pretty bad. The cop then asked me, “Do you know anything about Mr. Kyle’s activities since he has been here?” I thought, oh yeah, I knew about Billy and his way’s with women. But to the cop, I just shrugged my shoulders. This was going to be a long night!

In my years as an Ironworker, I traveled a lot. It is called ‘booming’ within the trades and those that do it are called boomers. Most of the time, a crew, as few as 3 or as many as 5, would ‘boom out’ together. Finding jobs that had a lot of overtime that would last 3 months or less. In the good years there was plenty of that kind of work to be found.

For me it was always a time of loose morality. A stranger in a strange town, not staying for long led to many temptations and like so many of my crew mates, I had no reason to resist. My theory back then was, get it while you can! No one is going to know what you are doing. Kind of like the commercial that I have heard advertising the pleasures of Las Vegas. Their theme is, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” There is only one problem with that, it aint true!

What I learned but never took to heart, was that all my actions have a reaction. There are consequences to everything we do. God’s Word says it plainly, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.…” (Galatians 6: 7-8)

No matter what any of us believe. Our actions are like tossing a pebble in a pond, the ripples that flow out affect everything in their path. I took this to heart way to late in my life. And because of that I left a lot of pain, hurt and broken relationships in my wake. It is only through the grace of God, as shown through the cross of Jesus Christ, that today I can stand forgiven. It is my prayer that you who read this heed the warning, now!

My friend Billy paid the price physically and I wish I could say that changed him, but it didn’t. Nor did it change me, only a few years later I was in a similar situation where an irate husband was on my trail for messing with his wife. I look back on those time with regret and have tried to make amends where I can. I am blessed to know we have a God who loves so completely that he will accept a repentant sinner like myself. He is waiting for you too, my friend. Look in the mirror today. If you don’t like what you see, turn to HIM who saves completely. You will find peace.

Blessings,
John
11/11/19