Month: May 2020

“Who are you to tell me what to do?” The young guy looked at me with doubt and defiance. I was taken back by the question and for a minute I lost my bravado. For only the briefest of instants all my insecurities, addictions and lostness, took a hold of me. He must have seen it in my eyes, and it emboldened him, “Yeah, old man, who are you to tell me anything? I know what you are, you are just another all talk and no action kinda guy that I have had to put in there place more than once!” His arrogance and sudden strength re-ignited my pride and without even thinking, I was in his face and in his space. “So, it is action you want, hey, Billie. Ok, my young friend, I can give you that if you insist!”

With that he must have seen that whatever had shown in my eyes was now replaced with hardened hate and anger. “You want to know who I am to tell you what to do? Well, it is pretty simple. As long as you are on my crew and in my world, I own you. I really don’t care who you think you are. When you are here, I am your boss and you are the guy who jumps when I tell you to. Once we walk outside those gates,” I said pointing to the security fence that surrounded the project, “then if you want to know who I am in the parking lot, we can figure that out too.” With that I brushed past him pushing him out of the way with my shoulder. After walking about three feet, I turned and asked, “Are you going to locate the rebar that I asked you to find about a half hour ago or am I going to pull your brass and send you packing, it is up to you.” He lowered his head, now all the bravado had gone out of him. Shrugging he took the list I had made and headed back to the yard area where the material could be found. I looked on in satisfaction, knowing I had bluffed my way again. In my heart I knew who I was and knew that once I had drank five or six stiff ones after work, all the ghosts of my insecurities and lostness would creep back. But once I was drunk enough, I would not care. How I longed for that drink!

I have been asked and have asked myself more than once, “Who am I?” How about you? Have you ever asked yourself that simple but soul-searching question? For most of my life I would have tried to identify myself with the guy I just described above. I was a ‘bad’ guy who defined himself by his ability to do the job and ability to push anyone out of the way who thought I was not good enough or tough enough to get it all done. But in the quiet moments, alone in the by the week motels or fifth-wheel trailers I lived in, the truth would seep out. I had a hole in me that I could not fill. Yep, I could pour in gallons of booze and snort mountains of white powder. I could brawl with the best. Gamble every dime I had. I could cheat my wife and rob my child. But I would wake up every morning with a hole in me that was not filled by any of this but gaped even wider with each drink. Each line of speed. Each dollar I stole from my family to waste on the ‘sure thing’ bet! Nothing filled that void. And like a collapsing sink hole it just kept growing. But unlike the unforgiving earth and forces that create that hole, I found that all of us are offered a way to start to fill the one that is in each of us. But we cannot do it, only Jesus Christ can!

Sounds easy, huh? Well, I can only speak from my experience and for me it was not. As I had said, my hole was a true chasm the day I first started to listen to the Bible. Walking daily, I would spend 45 minutes absorbing the words not believing they could have any affect on me. A full year of doing so only began the process. The words were transforming:

“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?” (Luke 15:4)

But in my case, I needed more. I needed to know there were others who had struggled to allow Jesus to fill the void. I found this in a program called Celebrating Life in Recovery. My wife at the time was watching a Christian network called 3ABN, she called me out of my office and said, “You need to watch this show, this woman has a testimony that will blow you away!” The woman was Cheri Peters and over the next three years I would not only watch the show but would become  involved in the 14 week program by the same name, ‘Celebrating Life in Recovery’ and it was within its small group environment that I was able to see the junk that had ruled my life had kept me from forming a full relationship with the God who created me and wanted me to be whole.

Over the last 10 years I have had the blessing and the privilege to lead and bring others to a fuller recovery from not only addiction junk but any hole in their lives that needed filling as only Jesus Christ himself can do. The cool thing is that today we are offering something amazing to anyone who has read this and feels the need in their lives to grow and be filled. In less than three weeks we will bring this program into your home, as Cheri presents Celebrating Life in Recovery on Zoom.

Starting Thursday, June 11^th at 7:00 pm (EDT) the same 14 week program that has help heal unnumbered people around the world, including me, will be available to anyone who has a computer or cell phone and is capable of spending a few hours each week sharing with friends who know your pain and want to help you fill your void. All of it without leaving the safety and comforts of your home. Also knowing the difficult times, we are all going through Cheri is offering the program for free with the opportunity to support the work through no obligation donations.

My friend, today if you are able to recognize, as I did years ago, that you have a void only Jesus can fill, then come join us. There is much more info available by visiting www.truestep.org. To register for the program or seek more info email me at clirecovery@gmail.com or Cheri at CelebratingLife4Christ@gmail.com You will be blessed and so will we. Fill the void!

Blessings

John

5/24/20

 

As I sat across the desk from the man who was my so-called anger counselor, I could feel the rage raising up in me. As if reading my mind, he asked, “Why are you so angry? Who is it that you are angry with?” At that moment I focused all my internal rage at him and with all the calm ferocity I could manage I said, “Why am I angry and who is the object of my anger? Is that what you so want to know? Ok, I am angry with you! I am angry with your smiling assistant! I am angry with the judge who said I needed to waste my time talking with you. And why…. It is pretty simple, I hate self-righteous people like you, who can sit there and judge me!”

There was so much more I wanted to scream. Instead I bowed my head and clenched my fists. Oh, what I really wanted to do was wipe the knowing smirk off his face. I wanted to break the picture of his o so perfect family sitting on his desk so neatly arranged with all things in their place. I wanted to break up this office and then I really wanted a drink or maybe ten. Yet even that was being taken from me. My system was filled with Antabuse, the drug which supposedly curbs the drinking urge by making some who take it violently sick. As with the counselling, it too was court ordered. If I had not hit that guy none of this would be happening, but you know he deserved it!

Three weeks before I had been sitting in a bar minding my own business. Just getting off of work, I needed to unwind and down five or six whiskey and cokes. After two of them a guy had come in and sat on the barstool next to me. I mean, there was a whole bar to sit at why did he have to sit next to me? I guess that is not what set me off. I think it was because he was whistling to himself. Maybe that would not have even been so bad, but it was the same tune over and over. Finally, I decided I am just going to get up take my drink and go to the other end of the bar. But it irked me. So, no if anyone was going to move it needed to be him!

I raised my hand and hailed Tim the bartender and as he drug himself away from the TV above the corner of the bar where he was sitting, I said, “Give me another one of these and tell this jerk to move somewhere else.” Pointing at the guy next to me. Tim just shrugged and said, “It’s a free country, man, he can sit wherever he wants.” and began to mix my drink. That irked me even more. So, I turned to the guy and said, “Listen, pal, why don’t you move down there by Tim and let him listen to your whistling for a while. You are driving me nuts.” The guy just looked up and smiled and began to whistle louder. That is when it happened. I hauled back with all I had and hit him as hard as I could. He went down. Tim called the cops and I now sat across this desk from another guy I wanted to hit, raging!

When I have talked to people in recent years about my addictions, many times it seems that it was my problems with alcohol and drugs that caused me to follow the many wrong paths in my life but it is not true. The truth is all my problems, including my addictions stemmed from anger. For many years as I was coming to know Jesus Christ as my Savior, I had a hard time seeing or as I saw it admitting that I had a ‘rage problem’. It was not until I read these verses in God’s Word, the Bible, that I finally saw and could confess what had driven me for years. There is a lot to this but please read it and let it sink in:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us?” (James 4: 1-5)

When I read this, I knew God was talking to me! I could see that all my life I had battled with selfish desires. Coveting and doing without restriction. No, I never killed but there were many times I had in my heart. And even after I began to pray and think I was in a relationship with God I could see my motivation was the same as it had been all my life. “Give ME!” “Help ME!” ME, ME, ME! Always in my asking it was still self-centered. When I finally said, “Lord, it is YOU, not ME, who can change this broken, angry man into a new creation!” It finally did change.

Soon I found I no longer needed to yell into the phone a string of swear words at construction people I was dealing with. I no longer had to sit in resentment as someone else was doing what bothered me. And I no longer needed to drink to quell the anger which had held me captive forever! I finally found a freedom I never knew.

For years I found myself in situations I have described in this blog. I was sentenced to anger management at least three different times. It never helped because I could only find my life managed when I surrendered it to the One who gave everything to save even me. I cannot say that the old rage never flairs in me anymore, but I can say I know Who can handle it. The Apostle Paul knew it to when he said,

“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Today, my friends, in this world where anger and rage rule, so can you if you are willing to turn it over to Him.

Blessings

John

5/18/20

 

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

A guy who worked for me had died and his wife had given me his Bible, telling me that he wanted me to have it. She told me as she handed it to me that it was his wish that I particularly look for the Gospel of John and chapter 14 and verse 27. As I walked away from the widow my curiosity got the better of me. Thumbing through the well-worn pages I came upon the verse. It had been underlined. The ink looked as worn as the Bible and as I read it, I thought even in the grave this guy is not going to leave me alone. Peace, sure easy for him to say now! After all he is dead.

I read the verse over again. This Jesus offers me peace. I shook my head, not likely! I cannot believe that people actually buy into this stuff. I closed the book and wanted to toss it into the nearest garbage can, but I did not want to disrespect the guy’s widow. So, as I climbed into my truck, I shoved the Bible under my seat, and it was forgotten. But I could not seem to forget the verse. It returned to me time and again, because the last thing I had in my life was peace.

A wife who drank more than I and every time we were together there was violent fighting. A job where I had conflict everyday with my boss. No matter how well my crew did, how much work we accomplished, it was never enough. I owed money to drug dealers, bookies and even the bank. Peace was not going to happen in the world I was living in. But that verse, the one line said Jesus gave peace not as the world. I did not believe but I so wanted to. The thing I was sure of if I all of sudden was ‘born again’, as the holy rollers said, my wife would still be a drunk, just like me. I would still be hassled by dealers, bookies, and bills. So how would Jesus deal with all this stuff. I knew my sad truth, whatever peace this Jesus offered was not going to help me. Or so I thought.

Here I am some 35 years later, living in a world even more conflicted than the one I just described. No, I no longer live with the personal issues of those years. I now have a loving wife who supports me and loves me. I am a retired guy, not fighting the battles I once did. I certainly am no longer being chased and threatened by dealers or bookies, so how can I say I live in a world more conflicted? Well, the truth is my life today has challenges I never dreamed of back then. Cancer that has in the last couple of years flared resulting in having to endure over 40 doses of radiation. It has sucked away much of the strength of body that has been a main stay most of my life. The wife who I love also is struggling with autoimmune diseases that have left her with less abilities then she has been used to having available. Adding to this a world-wide virus that leave us with the choice of staying at home protecting ourselves or doing what we believe God has called us to do, share Jesus in a deeply personal way. The conflict has left us searching for the peace we had just a few months ago.

I cannot sit here today and say I have all the answers. But the one thing I can know is what evaded me when I first received that worn Bible so many years ago, the peace that I seek is available to me. And as my long-deceased friend knew back then it only comes when I recognize Jesus’ peace is real, it is here now, and it can take away the fear of uncertainty.

And the reason I can say this today is I know this world is not my home. At the beginning of Chapter 14 of the Gospel of John it says this:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” (John 14: 1-3)

The true peace I have today is not how I face this world and all its conflicts but what I now know is true. Jesus is coming again, and he wants to take us to the place he has prepared for us.

So, yes, this world is full of problems and I certainly have mine to deal with day in and day out, just like you do. But if we are keeping our eye on Jesus. If we are knowing that today, we can trust in his promises then each of us will decide something we can do to share him with others. For me, it might be this blog. For RuthAnn she is online right now sharing Jesus with her students. For you, well, pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Just one verse above in Chapter 14, it says this: “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26) Jesus is waiting to guide you and give you the reassurance of his peace that is everlasting!

I still have that old Bible. When I sold that old truck, I took it out from under the seat and threw it in my traveling trunk. From there I do not know how it survived all the twists and turns of my life. But every now and again I take it out and look at that verse, underlined in well worn ink. I pray I will someday meet that good man who willed it to me and say, “I understand now! Thank you!”

Blessings
John

5/11/20

It was hot and it was only six in the morning. I stared toward the rising sun, now a half orb glowing orange and angry. The sky above was cloudless and pink with the promise of another scourging day. I sadly chuckled to myself, ‘just another day in paradise’. That is if you considered the badland desert of Zion National Park paradise. At the moment it felt more like hell to me!

My partner and I had taken on the reconstruction of six crumbling overpasses on a road built by CCC crews during the Great Depression. We were now working on number 3 the longest of all and we would be here until mid-August. Just the thought of August in the desert made me tired.

Now, do not get me wrong, I love hot weather and there is nowhere more beautiful to me then the stark, red-rock towers and mesas of this very place. But there is a real difference between touring its wonders and working day in and day out manhandling piles of scourging hot rebar under the pressure of a schedule that meant working in temperatures of near 100 degrees. Yes, we normally started our day around three A.M. and that saved us from having to survive the unsurvivable heat of desert afternoons, but the hours just ahead could certainly try a man’s body and soul. Still there was work to be done.

Around eight we were finishing up some of the under work that connected the bridge to its center column, when we first felt signs of it. The wind had picked up and it was coming out of the west. In the distance I could see dust devils making their way across the desert floor. Could there be a storm brewing? But I shook it off, most desert storms happen in the heat of the afternoon, back to work.

Rain in the desert is a scary thing. We were now working over the top of a dry bed but in a flash flood it would become a raging torrent, no one seemed to expect that to happen this morning. In fact, the crane that was moving our rebar into place was positioned in the center of the dry ditch. He would move to higher ground in about an hour but for now work needed to get done. We were all wrong.

Fifteen minutes after the first west winds began to blow clouds gathered in the distance and moved at us with alarming speed. My partner yelled down to the crane operator below us, “Jimmy, I think we need to get this last load unhooked and you need to get to higher ground.” Even as he spoke the first drops of rain began to fall and the dry bed began to trickle with rainwater coming from the west. Within minutes the trickle became a stream and the drops became a downpour. As the cooling rain poured down on us, we had no choice but to head for the protection of our truck. Looking down as we ran, I could see the stream was now a torrent and its water was above the large tires on the crane and Jimmy was trapped by the storm.

Have you ever been washed away in a torrent of problems and worries that sweep into your life like a flash flood? I know I have more often than I would like to admit. For many years, these storms were of my own creation, lost in addiction and self-absorption, I would make decisions or even worse not make decisions that would affect those around me with devastating results. In coming to believe that I have a Savior in Jesus Christ I have strived to seek to make reparations and ask forgiveness for those times. And I am blessed that I have experienced grace and love that has allowed me to move forward and know HIS forgiveness is real. But has this ended the storms of living in a world full of sin? I am sure any of you reading this can answer this for yourselves. The truth is we live in the midst of storms everyday and it is only how we weather them that will determine if we survive and thrive or drown below the flood.

There is a story in the synoptic gospels about a storm on the sea of Galilee. I am sure most of you have heard or read it. Jesus directs his disciples to pilot their fishing boat across the sea to the other side. During the voyage, the weary Savior falls asleep in the stern of the boat. But as he sleeps a mighty storm arises. A storm so great that it even scares the harden fishermen who knew what a tempest the Galilee could be. Terror of the storm has driven all of them to distraction. But one of them, I like to always think it was the tax collector Matthew, sees the sleeping Jesus and runs to him yelling into the gale, “Master, do you not care we are all perishing!” It is the next picture of Jesus I try to keep in my mind when storms blow through my life today. Here is how Mark relates it, “And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.  He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” (Mark 4: 39-41)

I have imagined this scene often, terrified disciples who like me did not yet recognize who was in that boat with them. Yet, there stands the serene Jesus calmly stating in the face of the storm, “Peace, be still.” And then turning to them and today to me and saying, “Why are you so afraid? Where is your faith?” And normally I can only pray I do not say, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him.” But instead say with the prophet Isaiah, “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2) It is only with this kind of faith that I and you can face the storms and flash floods of life no matter what direction they come from.

I will never forget the terror I felt that day the rain fell in sheets and the entire desert turned into a sea. Jimmy hung on for his very life, the torrent actually moved the crane until it was wedged against the center column and it was only that structure that kept it and him from being washed away. I pray today that you and I can feel safe in the flood or in the sunshine. That we do not look at the storm but at the one who can calm it with a word. He says, “Peace, be still!”

Blessings

John

5/4/20