It is strange but I have lived with the idea of imminent death for 15 years. Don’t get me wrong I did not wake up every morning and think is today my last. In fact, for 12 or 13 of those years I barely thought about cancer at all. Sure, I knew the Prostate Cancer I have is incurable, but I did not always FEEL like I had cancer. Doctors would ask if I were in pain but the only pain, I could tell them about was from years of Ironwork, old, tired muscles and bones, or some other normal aging pain.
There were times when I would be injected with the antigen which suppresses testosterone and for a few weeks to a month I would have problems with the symptoms those drugs caused. Nothing major, at least in the short run. For certain over the 15 years, I have been taking them, they have taken their toll; loss of muscle and bone mass, leaving me no longer able to do some of the things I used to do. Yes, I have had over one hundred radiation treatments and they have also sapped my strength. But all in all, not a terrible life. I have been blessed.
Just recently I have begun to live in a new reality. With cancer cell reoccurrences in a location where I have already been radiated, I am once again confronted with imminent death. Again, not today or tomorrow, but now doctors talk to me in terms of months instead of years. A new drug has been added to the regime that will stretch that time out a bit, but it too takes its toll in fatigue and a new kind of weakness. Once more I have the question of how I face this reality.
When I was first diagnosed back in 2006, I was a different person. Still caught up in addictions and without much hope in a future. I had not accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and I faced my cancer with an attitude of worldly fatalism. You know, the old “…eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you will die” or something like that. I wanted to consume as much of this world as I could.
So, I did. For two years I spent most of my free time cruising around the Western Hemisphere, around the entirety of South America, through the Panama Canal, in the Caribbean Isles and many trips to the frozen north of Alaska. Drinking, partying, and eating at a hedonistic pace trying to fill the hole I had never been able to fill with drugs, sex, or alcohol over 40 years. I felt I was living each day to absorb the ‘good life.’ Only one problem it did not work. No matter how hard I tried there still was a hole.
I can never say if it was cancer that led me to seek a different life. Or if it was just that my wife decided she needed to return to God. I really don’t have an answer to this, but the truth is it does not matter. I know now it was by God’s grace and His timing that I finally did. Reading His Word, joining a family of believers and being baptized led to facing life in a new way. But now there was a new problem. Again, I don’t know if it was the underlying reality of my cancer or that I was totally convinced that time was short no matter what. I needed to spend the rest of my days working to show others that even in the face of death there is so much hope. I have been blessed to be able to touch lives through ministry and writing; by teaching and preaching. But now I come back to the question of how I face my end days reality.
Truth is I do not have an answer to this except I want to do the will of God. I want to wake up every morning and pray the prayer I have prayed for about 10 years now, “Lord make me willing to be willing!” I just want the strength to do that and be humble enough to accept that there will be days when I will not be able to do the things, I think are needed that day. I think that is the hardest part of this new reality, learning to accept limitations. I love the way Paul states it:
“Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size – abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so, the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 MSG Bible.
So, it comes down to each day. Do I feel weak today? How do I become strong in Jesus and not in myself? Well, I will admit I am still working on this. Maybe it is as simple as asking the Holy Spirit to dwell in me and allow this day to be directed by Him who knows the beginning from the end. No small task for a willful guy like myself. But I am blessed to at least know if I ask, He will answer.
The new reality is out there for so many today. Be it Covid, fires burning in California or the huge earthquake in Haiti. Mine is no different then yours. For each one of us today, there is only one answer, and His name is Jesus. Whatever your reality is call on His name and be saved!
Blessings
John
8/16/2021