Month: July 2020

The radiology oncologist said with little or no emotions, “I don’t want you to get your hopes up. These treatments are not a cure. They will only prolong the inevitable. A man with your advanced Prostate Cancer can not expect to live more than 2 to 3 years even if the radiation stops its advance for a short time. It is my advice that you NOT have the treatments which will decrease your quality of life and fully enjoy the years you have left.”  And as if to confirm his diagnoses he sent in another partner to basically tell me the same thing. Given a week to think it over and in the meantime  sent to see a counselor who sat close and patted my hand like a man who had just received a death sentence, I felt I agreed with the grim doctor, I was not about to ‘get my hopes up.’

As I left the cancer center that morning, I sat in my car looking at the world that no longer had color and a life that had little or no meaning anymore. The first thing I thought was, I wonder if the Wonder Bar is open yet? Nodding my head, I drove slowly or maybe speedily towards it. I don’t remember driving just all of a sudden being parked in front of the front door. And as I looked longingly at the bar, I knew I could not go in. It would mean I would have to speak, at the very least order a drink. Even that sounded like a step farther than I would like to go. But where was I to go?

If I went home, I would have to explain to my wife that I was a goner. If I went home, I would also have to walk into my office, turn on my computer and go to work. For sure someone would call with a problem for me to solve and I just could not do that right now. So where could I go? Any answer would take effort and why should I expend the energy? But I was drawn as I had been for nearly forty years to the place where I could find, if not hope, solace without much effort. I drove to the liquor store, bought a fifth of vodka and sat in the parking lot of the local grocery store and drank. As the alcohol took over my already depressed thoughts, for probably only the third time in my life, I considered ending it all right there in the parking lot of the local Safeway. Why not? Death was death. I had nothing to live for and no where else to be. My hope, the little I had ever was gone.

I have heard it said that when people reach the bottom there is no where to go but up. Do you believe that? Well I certainly did not that day. I was there, so alone and yet somehow even though I was not a believer at the time a small voice inside of me kept me from doing what I so wanted to do. It is a voice I hear often now. But then it was like a stranger offering a lifeline to a drowning man. I did not know the man in the boat but in the moment between life and death, I grabbed a hold just tight enough to not get into that boat yet but understand that it was there and someone wanted to save me even if I did not want to be saved. A glimmer of hope. A moment with the Savior, a stranger who I would not recognize for another three years.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5)

I can only explain that day with a verse like the one above. God has the power to save even when we do not believe. Let me say that again, God has the power to save even when we do not believe. I attest to you way back in 2006 sitting with a half finished fifth of vodka between my legs and nothing but death in my heart, I was saved. Hardheaded and hard hearted it was no easy task for the Savior to break down every one of my barriers, but it started on that day. When I was lost and now was found. And why would God do it? Simple, a verse even non-believers know well but is so true:

“For God so loved the world even John Weston that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16, I added the italics words)

When I came to recognize this years later, past the time those pessimistic doctors thought I would survive, the fulfillment of that glimmer of hope I had soddenly felt that day came to full fruition. But what I also recognized was that if he did save me that it was not for me alone. The hope he gave me was to be shared with the hopeless wherever I find them and however the Lord blesses me to shine a glimmer of HIS hope in their lives.

So here I sit almost 14 years later. The predictions of my demise were certainly premature. I did agree to have 48 radiation treatments. I did have another 33 two years ago and another 10 this year. But that hope implanted in me so long ago is now not that I have lived or go on living, but that Christ lives in me. I long so badly to share that hope! I seek today to tell you if Jesus is throwing you a lifeline and even if you don’t know him. Grab it, my friends, hang on with all you have and know that the Savior God says this:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Blessings

John

7/27/20

 

 

“I do not believe a word you say!” I spoke in anger at the man standing in my doorway. He raised his hand plaintively and said, “John, come on. You know I will figure a way to get the money back.” I knew nothing of the kind.

Tom had already gotten our truck impounded. Sold company tools and now claimed he had been robbed when $1000.00 of company funds had disappeared from a deposit he was supposed to take to the bank. So many times, I had trusted this guy who had been my partner and friend for the last two years.

It had all started well enough. Four guys had gotten together and decided we could form our own Ironworking company. Each of us seemed to be skilled in certain aspects which would benefit such a partnership. Paul had business connections in the construction community, Tom had knowledge of book-keeping, Joe and I had been superintendents and years of experience to get the work done. How could we fail?

It hadn’t taken long to see that good intentions and talents were not going to be enough. We were getting jobs but Joe and my addictions for alcohol and drugs were making life rough for Paul who had most of his business connections through his church and most of them didn’t think they could trust people like us. Tom seemed to be taking care of the money but signs that he might be ripping us off started to surface. But we had commitments and there was nothing to do but keep moving forward.

For two years we struggled on. Money was always tight as Tom added to the woes with his dishonesty. Paul found fewer doors open to a company that allowed drunks and druggies to run their work. And Joe and I were at each other’s throats on how to run the little work we had. We no longer believed in our dream. We lost faith in each other.

By the time I came to Jesus, I had lost all faith in humanity. It seemed around every corner there was someone waiting to get over on me. It had infected everything, including my relationships. My friends were few and I really trusted none. My marriages continued to fail and I was always ready to blame everyone and anyone. Something was missing but I was sure it was in everyone else not me.

As I started reading the Word of God especially the New Testament something kept jumping out at me, the word faith. It became so obvious that I googled it. And depending on the version you read it can be from 336 times in the King James to 521 times in the New American Standard. No matter how you look at it that is a lot. But the problem was I had lost the meaning of the word in my life. I mean, how could I ‘have faith’ when the only one I could trust was me.

I am sure some of you are saying, “Wow, no wonder this guy took 45 years to get past his addictions! He spent all those years trusting in the wrong guy!” If any of you thought something like that, to you I say “Amen!” It took me a long time even after I filled my mind and heart with the word of God to get it. In fact, it took a miracle. It took un-numbered prayers of others and the Holy Spirit’s power to open my mind to see what so many find in a minute. There it was in front of me in the book of Hebrews, a book I had listened to and read literally hundreds of time. But one day only a few years ago my eyes were opened through this passage, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that has been set before us. Looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint hearted.” (Hebrews 12: 1-3)

I had read about the witnesses in Chapter 11. They were called men and woman of faith. But it had not come together in my mind until I saw why I could have faith in one who cannot let you down, Jesus. Did you see it in these words, “…who for the joy set before him endured the cross…”? I finally knew that the joy being spoken of was me, was you. Jesus died with the weight of our sins, lost to the Father, but did it with the joy of my salvation in his broken heart. How could I deny Him my trust, my faith?

And when I did, I found I could begin to trust others. No not because the world was any better but because I realized it was not about me. I understood better what Jesus tells us, “to love our neighbors as ourselves” and we can only do that when we see ourselves through a holy God’s eyes. Sin tainted but saved by nothing we do, but in the cross. That changes everything.

Those many years ago my company blew apart. There were years of repercussions. Mostly that I found myself increasingly isolated from the world and more enveloped in my addictions. I can look at it now through eyes not my own and only see the forgiveness God has shown to me. I pray today my faith in Jesus is stronger today than yesterday and ever stronger each day until the day He returns. Will you trust him today? Where is your faith?

Blessings John

7/20/20 (originally 9/17)

The heist was happening inside the darkened warehouse as I sat in a van, I was brought in to drive. It wasn’t that I had extraordinary driving skills, it was that I already knew too much, and it was either I got involved to the point of culpability or I was probably someone who needed to disappear. Sounds like a movie or something, doesn’t it? At the moment as I was sitting in that van waiting for either the three guys inside to get what they were after or for the cops to show up, I had that surreal feeling. One day, I am sitting on a couch in this dude’s house getting high and talking what I thought was the usual ‘trash’ about an electronics warehouse break-in and two nights later here I am involved up to my teeth. I had to chuckle as the old Laurel and Hardy line came to mind, “Here’s another fine mess you got us into…” Yeah very funny. Drug dealer now a getaway driver!

Time was ticking away. I had not gotten high before, neither did the others. This was serious business, so all were sworn to sobriety until the deed was done. But I sure needed a drink, even more I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

The van I was driving was parked around back of a large warehouse, more than a city block in length. From all I was told there was a guy on the inside that was in on the heist and had specific goods that could be taken without being noticed for a while. The three guys that went in were other drug dealers that I had hung around with in the apartment complex where I lived in Oceanside, California, the inside guy I had never met or if I had did not know. I had only been dealing out of this complex for less than two months, but I knew at least two of these guys were ‘connected’. Word on the street was Mexican Mafia. I had started hanging with them to see if I could get a connection myself. Well, that had not worked out so well so here I was about to add to my rap sheet. And I was thinking, amazingly, that I might be a drug dealer, but I certainly was no thief!

Isn’t it strange that even in our sinfulness we find a way to feel superior to others? I can testify in my life I said to myself many times, “Well, I might deal speed but at least I am not dealing heroine!” I had made a distinction in my mind that ‘crank’, or ‘meth’ as it is called today, dealers were better people than the low lives who would sink to dealing heroine. That once I was involved in other crimes, I would sooth my conscience by assuring myself, “Sure, I was the driver in that heist, but I didn’t steal the goods!” or “Sure, I took my cut from that robbery, but I didn’t do it myself!” It was always the other guy who was the ‘bad’ guy. Someone who was worse than me and I took my unholy solace in it.

But am I so different today? Yes, I am now an upstanding ‘Christian’! I would no more be part of the scheme I am sharing in this blog than I would commit any crime. No, my friends, I am saved! But what about the times when I say in my heart, “At least I am not a pew sitter like so and so!” or “Why can’t everyone serve the poor like I do?” In those times am I so different than the Pharisee who can stand and feel his own righteousness over the publican in this story Jesus tells:

Two men went up into the temple to pray; one was a Pharisee, and the other was a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed to himself like this: ‘God, I thank you, that I am not like the rest of men, extortioners, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give tithes of all that I get.’ (Luke 18: 10-12)

Is my righteousness like this man’s? Does Jesus look into my heart and see his pride and averseness in me, when all the time I need to be like the other man Jesus shows us in this parable who says and has a true heart of humility and surrender:

“But the tax collector, standing far away, wouldn’t even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” (Luke 18:13)

Only when I can truly have the heart of the publican can I know that my ‘Christian’ conversion is more than a change of time and place. Yes, I am no longer a drug dealer and thief, but I need to no longer be a judge and jury! It is only then I can hear Jesus final words of this parable and know I walk in HIS footsteps:

“I tell you; this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:14)

This is who I need to be today and every one of these last days!

Not so as I sat in the van waiting! I wanted to separate myself from what I was doing even though the crime was committed, and I shared in the wealth of it. Even when I was grilled by detectives who knew I was involved, I could hold myself aloof because after all I was just a victim of circumstances, I wasn’t a thief like the other guys! The scary thing to me is that even in my ‘clean heart’ forgiven place. Knowing God’s mercy and grace can still think in those terms. I seek today for that never to be true. It is the heart of the publican I seek. I know many of your reading this can think as you do, “Man, I am glad that I have never sinned like the guy writing this!” You sure can think that! But remember these words of Jesus, they are so needed in this world of turmoil we live in:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.  (Matthew 7: 1-5)

May we all find these words to live by today!

Blessings

John

7/14/20

Up on the screen in the old York theater, Dorothy was repeating the mantra, “There is no place like home, there is no place like home, there is no place like home…” as Glinda, the good witch of the north swirls her star-studded wand around the little girl. Soon the scene changes from glorious technicolor to black and white. Dorothy now no longer in Oz is back in her bed on the drab Kansas farm with Auntie Em, trying to wake the poor girl and worried the tornado had harmed her. Still in her dream she is mumbling, “There is no place like home…” I sat there like so many others engrossed by the wildly imaginative story adapted from Frank Baum’s books on the Land of Oz, the classic movie, “The Wizard of Oz”

I think that was the first time I had seen the movie. It was still in the theaters 20 years after its release in 1939. And I was undoubtably one of millions of kids who had sat in theaters around the world watching and hearing those famous words, “There is no place like home!” The problem was I didn’t relate to those words then and did not relate to them for years to come.

What comes to your mind when you picture the word ‘home’? I think for some this would conger up thoughts of a warm house where family is gathered, maybe around a turkey on a snowy Thanksgiving Day. Others maybe envision a high-rise condo in the center of a busy metropolis the hum of cars and people below. I guess the old saying, “Home is where the heart is!” might be the best way to put it.

The problem for me was that most of my life I did not have an image of home. I had no where that my ‘heart’ was attached to. It is not that I have been homeless except for short periods during my ‘drug’ years when I lived on the streets. No, most of my life I have lived in a warm safe place, much like the house I grew up in just outside Chicago, Illinois. But it is that heart connection that has always been missing.

I am not sure how as a kid I never really felt at home even in the comfortable abode my parents provided for me. I was not abused or mistreated in any way. The house a sturdy Cape Cod, was roomy enough for all six of us. But for some reason I always felt like a visitor there and that has not changed much over the years. State after state. City after city. And house after house, you could have posted on my bedroom door ‘Just Visiting’. Was it restlessness? Wanderlust? Peregrination? Maybe all of the above or maybe I have sought and most assuredly without my knowing it, for a home where my heart could be filled in a way nothing or no one ever could, except Jesus Christ!

I remember hearing this the first time I listened to the Bible all the way through many years ago now:

“In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also” (John 14: 2–3).

I thought at the time, “Who wants to live in a mansion?” I have a hard time feeling comfortable living in a nice little home on a tree-lined street. Safe and snug. Then came the thought, “Are there mansions in heaven?” The problem was that then and many times since, I was concentrating on the wrong words. It wasn’t that Jesus was promising us some rich man’s place to live. No, he was promising us that he would return to take us to HIS home. To be with HIS Father. And if my faith, my heart was in HIM I would finally find an eternal home where my heart could be forever.

I have to say, I struggled with the faith part. I had never trusted anyone enough to feel at ‘home’ even after years of living in a house with them. To me the idea of a permanent home in a Holy Land seemed as foreign as living in Timbuktu. It was not until a had enough courage and inspired faith to read these words in a book I refused to even listen to for the first three years of my conversion experience, the book called Revelation, that I knew there was a home where my heart belonged:

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying: “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God.He will wipe away all tears from their eyes.  There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have passed away.”  (Revelation 21: 3-4)

That was the home I was searching for all my life! I felt my heart say this is where you belong! But I also knew that to get there I could not just click my heels three times and repeat with Dorothy, “There is no place like home!” I needed to hang on to the one who already went ahead of me to prepare a mansion just for me. I needed to remember the most important verse that begins the 14^th chapter of the book of John:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God and believe also in me.” (John 14:1)

When my heart was there, I knew I finally found a HOME. And the cool thing is that there is a mansion for each of us. Today if you live in an earthly mansion, a hovel or even on the streets. Just know, this earth is not our home. If YOUR heart is with Jesus, there is No Place Like Home!

Blessings

John

7/7/20