The radiology oncologist said with little or no emotions, “I don’t want you to get your hopes up. These treatments are not a cure. They will only prolong the inevitable. A man with your advanced Prostate Cancer can not expect to live more than 2 to 3 years even if the radiation stops its advance for a short time. It is my advice that you NOT have the treatments which will decrease your quality of life and fully enjoy the years you have left.” And as if to confirm his diagnoses he sent in another partner to basically tell me the same thing. Given a week to think it over and in the meantime sent to see a counselor who sat close and patted my hand like a man who had just received a death sentence, I felt I agreed with the grim doctor, I was not about to ‘get my hopes up.’
As I left the cancer center that morning, I sat in my car looking at the world that no longer had color and a life that had little or no meaning anymore. The first thing I thought was, I wonder if the Wonder Bar is open yet? Nodding my head, I drove slowly or maybe speedily towards it. I don’t remember driving just all of a sudden being parked in front of the front door. And as I looked longingly at the bar, I knew I could not go in. It would mean I would have to speak, at the very least order a drink. Even that sounded like a step farther than I would like to go. But where was I to go?
If I went home, I would have to explain to my wife that I was a goner. If I went home, I would also have to walk into my office, turn on my computer and go to work. For sure someone would call with a problem for me to solve and I just could not do that right now. So where could I go? Any answer would take effort and why should I expend the energy? But I was drawn as I had been for nearly forty years to the place where I could find, if not hope, solace without much effort. I drove to the liquor store, bought a fifth of vodka and sat in the parking lot of the local grocery store and drank. As the alcohol took over my already depressed thoughts, for probably only the third time in my life, I considered ending it all right there in the parking lot of the local Safeway. Why not? Death was death. I had nothing to live for and no where else to be. My hope, the little I had ever was gone.
I have heard it said that when people reach the bottom there is no where to go but up. Do you believe that? Well I certainly did not that day. I was there, so alone and yet somehow even though I was not a believer at the time a small voice inside of me kept me from doing what I so wanted to do. It is a voice I hear often now. But then it was like a stranger offering a lifeline to a drowning man. I did not know the man in the boat but in the moment between life and death, I grabbed a hold just tight enough to not get into that boat yet but understand that it was there and someone wanted to save me even if I did not want to be saved. A glimmer of hope. A moment with the Savior, a stranger who I would not recognize for another three years.
“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5)
I can only explain that day with a verse like the one above. God has the power to save even when we do not believe. Let me say that again, God has the power to save even when we do not believe. I attest to you way back in 2006 sitting with a half finished fifth of vodka between my legs and nothing but death in my heart, I was saved. Hardheaded and hard hearted it was no easy task for the Savior to break down every one of my barriers, but it started on that day. When I was lost and now was found. And why would God do it? Simple, a verse even non-believers know well but is so true:
“For God so loved the world even John Weston that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16, I added the italics words)
When I came to recognize this years later, past the time those pessimistic doctors thought I would survive, the fulfillment of that glimmer of hope I had soddenly felt that day came to full fruition. But what I also recognized was that if he did save me that it was not for me alone. The hope he gave me was to be shared with the hopeless wherever I find them and however the Lord blesses me to shine a glimmer of HIS hope in their lives.
So here I sit almost 14 years later. The predictions of my demise were certainly premature. I did agree to have 48 radiation treatments. I did have another 33 two years ago and another 10 this year. But that hope implanted in me so long ago is now not that I have lived or go on living, but that Christ lives in me. I long so badly to share that hope! I seek today to tell you if Jesus is throwing you a lifeline and even if you don’t know him. Grab it, my friends, hang on with all you have and know that the Savior God says this:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Blessings
John
7/27/20
Thank you for your encouraging message! We all need hope…