Month: May 2021

Faith in the Cross….

“I do not believe a word you say!” I spoke in anger at the man standing in my doorway. He raised his hand plaintively and said, “John, come on. You know I will figure a way to get the money back.” I knew nothing of the kind.

Tom had already gotten our truck impounded. Sold company tools and now claimed he had been robbed when $1000.00 of company funds had disappeared from a deposit he was supposed to take to the bank. So many times, I had trusted this guy who had been my partner and friend for the last two years.

It had all started well enough. Four guys had gotten together and decided we could form our own Ironworking company. Each of us seemed to be skilled in certain aspects which would benefit such a partnership. Paul had business connections in the construction community, Tom had knowledge of book-keeping, Joe and I had been superintendents and years of experience to get the work done. How could we fail?

It hadn’t taken long to see that good intentions and talents were not going to be enough. We were getting jobs but Joe and my addictions for alcohol and drugs were making life rough for Paul who had most of his business connections through his church and most of them didn’t think they could trust people like us. Tom seemed to be taking care of the money but signs that he might be ripping us off started to surface. But we had commitments and there was nothing to do but keep moving forward.

For two years we struggled on. Money was always tight as Tom added to the woes with his dishonesty. Paul found fewer doors open to a company that allowed drunks and druggies to run their work. And Joe and I were at each other’s throats on how to run the little work we had. We no longer believed in our dream. We lost faith in each other.

By the time I came to Jesus, I had lost all faith in humanity. It seemed around every corner there was someone waiting to get over on me. It had infected everything, including my relationships. My friends were few and I really trusted none. My marriages continued to fail and I was always ready to blame everyone and anyone. Something was missing but I was sure it was in everyone else not me.

As I started reading the Word of God especially the New Testament something kept jumping out at me, the word faith. It became so obvious that I googled it. And depending on the version you read it can be from 336 times in the King James to 521 times in the New American Standard. No matter how you look at it that is a lot. But the problem was I had lost the meaning of the word in my life. I mean, how could I ‘have faith’ when the only one I could trust was me.

I am sure some of you are saying, “Wow, no wonder this guy took 45 years to get past his addictions! He spent all those years trusting in the wrong guy!” If any of you thought something like that, to you I say “Amen!” It took me a long time even after I filled my mind and heart with the word of God to get it. In fact, it took a miracle. It took un-numbered prayers of others and the Holy Spirit’s power to open my mind to see what so many find in a minute. There it was in front of me in the book of Hebrews, a book I had listened to and read literally hundreds of time. But one day only a few years ago my eyes were opened through this passage, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that has been set before us. Looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint hearted.” (Hebrews 12: 1-3)

I had read about the witnesses in Chapter 11. They were called men and woman of faith. But it had not come together in my mind until I saw why I could have faith in one who cannot let you down, Jesus. Did you see it in these words, “…who for the joy set before him endured the cross…”? I finally knew that the joy being spoken of was me, was you. Jesus died with the weight of our sins, lost to the Father, but did it with the joy of my salvation in his broken heart. How could I deny Him my trust, my faith?

And when I did, I found I could begin to trust others. No not because the world was any better but because I realized it was not about me. I understood better what Jesus tells us, “to love our neighbors as ourselves” and we can only do that when we see ourselves through a holy God’s eyes. Sin tainted but saved by nothing we do, but in the cross. That changes everything.

Those many years ago my company blew apart. There were years of repercussions. Mostly that I found myself increasingly isolated from the world and more enveloped in my addictions. I can look at it now through eyes not my own and only see the forgiveness God has shown to me. I pray today my faith in Jesus is stronger today than yesterday and ever stronger each day until the day He returns. Will you trust him today? Where is your faith?

Blessings John
5/31/2021

Prayer is the answer…

The airport was busy, and it seemed people were moving everywhere with purpose or sitting restlessly waiting, waiting, and waiting. Time seems to pass so slowly when you are waiting.

I was among the second group. I had hurried with such purpose and worry to get to my gate over an hour in rush hour traffic, all the while watching the clock on the rented car dashboard. Was I going to make it? What if there is an accident or roadwork ahead? What if I got to the airport and returned my car and there was a long line? What if after what if kept me from any peace until I made it through TSA inspection, then hurried to my departure gate. Why did I spend so much time worrying, as I sat down there was 45 minutes before boarding? Now I sat waiting.

As I sat down, I look across to see an airport bar. As usual, a fleeting pang of desire ran through me. Not so long ago I would spend my waiting time tossing back ‘double shooters’ of scotch whiskey and staring at the unending parade of sports on one of the 24-hour sports networks. It is funny how certain places trigger old urges even after I have been sober for quite a few years. I felt good as the urge was only fleeting, momentarily proud of my ability to resist. Then I felt somewhat guilty that I still had the urges. All of this took about a minute. I still had 44 minutes to wait and then another 15 to endure during the boarding process. Waiting…what to do? I hate waiting!

Certainly, I could listen to a book on my cell phone or better yet spend some time listening to the Bible, but I had to admit I had no desire to do either. That troubled me, and I felt guilty again. But I was new to this ‘faith’ thing and I just did not get why I needed to spend every spare moment reading the Bible. So, instead I sat and waited doing nothing.

I was brought out of my revelry as someone or several someone’s sat in the chairs next to me. As I looked up, I saw it was a family a young father and a mother, I supposed, and two children. One of the children looked to be pre-school age, maybe four and the other was, I would guess around 8. I immediately felt uncomfortable, why did they have to sit next to me? There were plenty of open seats. Maybe I should move to one of those and recapture my ‘in crowd’ isolation, but I did not. Mainly because to my amazement this family did something I could not believe. As they sat down, I heard the father say,

“Let’s pray.”

I sat and listened to him watching as the wife and children sat heads bowed. He was thanking God for the save travels from home to the airport, praising God that his family was soon going to be reunited with ‘nana and papa’ and also praying a blessing on all travelers. I felt embarrassed and intruding when the father opened his eyes and caught mine staring at him. But he smiled and nodded at me, with reassurance.

“I am sorry if we have offended you, sir. We know sometimes folks get a little upset when we pray like this, but it is my way of keeping my family safe and sound!”

I assured him it did not offend me. I wanted to boast that I was a Christian too! But instead, I sat mute feeling someway I did not understand what that meant. As I continued to watch this family interact peacefully in the middle of airport chaos. I wanted to ask the young man how did they do it. I mean, traveling, same as me, through rush hour traffic and through the obstacles of the airport with two young kids and yet seemingly not restlessly waiting, but enjoying just being safe and going someplace special. I wanted that feeling! I wanted to find that place of peace even in the midst of worry and waiting. Why did I not have it?

This experience happened several years ago. And I wish today I could tell you that I have obtained that peace I was seeking but I still struggle. Oh no, maybe not in the same way. I have come to know Jesus better. I even sometimes can peacefully surrender my junk over to him without a fight. But I cannot sit here today and say the next time I have that same experience I will trust that He will take care and light my path. The difference is today I know why. The secret I did not get back then was what the father of that little family knew, prayer. Prayer of thanksgiving, prayer of praise, prayer of petition. Even when I do not feel like doing it reminding myself who is really in control and yep, it is not me. If I can do as the apostle Paul said,

“ Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 (NLT)

I can find that peace I was and am seeking. And the truth is when I do it. When I let go of this world enough to pray not only when there is worry or waiting but when there is peace abundant and calm beyond all reason, then I get it. Then like the New Living Translation says of Paul’s words,

“…this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” Joy is mine in knowing I belong, even with all the junk I still carry around with me every day to Jesus Christ. That even if I am not the person, I should be I am not the person I used to be.

I am not the person I was sitting in that airport years ago. And when I do allow Jesus to do what he promises, I am a man of peace. In prayer I am changed daily. So, can you be. For that I am grateful, thankful, and blessed!

Blessings

John

5/25/2021

Face to Face with Satan…

“You don’t know what dead is, but if you cross me again you will… oh, yeah, partner you will!”

Even in the dark of the cramped space of the Corvette, with only the dim dashboard light glow, I could see the silhouette of the man with many names now known to me as Jet. As he faced me his dark eyes flashed cold hatred. The eyes of a shark circling his prey.

I tried a moment of bravado. Turning to face him in my bucket seat, I said,

“You got me wrong, dude, it wasn’t me that made that deal go wrong, so threaten someone else, I am out of here!”

Lightning fast his hand shot to my arm and with a vice like grip he hissed,

“You, Johnny, have mistaken me for one of your punks. One of the weak junkies that beg for a taste of MY goods. I am the man; I am your man. I own you. You need to listen close. I will explain this one time….”

He was now so close I could smell the sweet sick aroma of the nasty, black cigars he always smoked.

“I know the deals you have made and how you have tried to get over on me. You have one more shot at it. Mess with me again and I will kill you!”

As he spoke the aura of his darkness enveloped me. The evil I had experience the first time he had trapped me into dealing drugs returned and crept into my very soul. I knew no matter how this turned out, I was a dead man. Life as I knew it was gone forever. I had tried to escape but now I knew the only way to do so was run. Run, far and fast, but could I ever outrun the darkness that was in me or the devil himself, I knew as Jet.

So many today laugh at the idea of Satan. We make movies where he is either comical or even the hero. It seems, at least in the Western culture, we think of him as imaginary as Darth Vader or as harmless as the dark queen in a Disney movie. But I do not! I know Satan is real. I know his goal is to take your very life. I have sat across a kitchen table from him and in the front seat of a 1968 Corvette with him. I allowed his darkness to swallow me. To take away my life and the life I once shared with my son.

After the incident I just wrote about, a week later I was set up in a parking lot and only by the grace of God did I escape with my life. I did run. I ran far. I hid in plain sight. I became a ghost of the man I was. But no matter how far I ran or in what dive motel I hid. My life was enveloped in his darkness. There was no light. Even though to others I seemed to be a normal ‘Joe’, I was nothing but a pawn in Satan’s game and I allowed him to move me wherever he wanted.

You could say, I exemplified Jesus words,

‘You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

As long as I lived in his darkness. I lied, cheated and stole. I lived like the devil and the world didn’t seem to mind. I did not understand that this place this planet is his realm and we are in the midst of a great struggle. It was only when I came to the light, to begin to read God’s Word, the Bible, that I saw what living in darkness had done. Only then did I see the wreckage I had left along a long road.

Today I can attest that there is truly an evil personage who has had his way in this world. Look at the carnage of what you see every day and if you are honest, you will see it too. But what is more important to me is that I also know that none of us, neither you nor I have to live in that darkness. Because there is another REAL person who is light, in fact, He is the way, the truth and the Life. His name is Jesus. Here is what he offers and what can save even a sinner like me. Read these words of His,

“’Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28.

He offers this ‘rest’ to every one of us. There is no one who cannot come to it. In the midst of this world that seems out of control and in the midst of the darkness that is enveloping you and me. Today it is as simple as looking to the Light of the World and saying, “Jesus, I need you in my Life.” Then believe. Begin to fill your life with His Word.

I have been blessed to come out of darkness into His marvelous light, but only by His grace. I pray today you will not doubt there is truly an evil one who seeks your life, and you will turn to the Light of the World and be saved.

Blessings

John

5/18/2021

All things Work for Good…

The lobby is spacious and decorated in such a way to give all those entering would have a peaceful feeling. The room was full and still under Covid restrictions or at least masks were required. Yet unlike many other doctor’s offices most patients seemed to be allowed to have a family member with them.

RuthAnn and I were both here to see a Cancer and blood specialist. Now we sat filling out the myriad of papers required by doctors before a first appointment. In my mind it was a miracle that we had only been in Texas for less than two weeks and here we were already about to consult a specialist about our serious illnesses. For me that meant an ongoing battle with Prostate Cancer and for RuthAnn it was MGUS, a primary stage of Multiple Myeloma. We would be consulted by the same doctor at the same time. Again, a miracle!

Once the papers were filled out the wait was long as we were moved from the general waiting area to the doctor’s waiting room. Along the way I watched as the patients in various stages of cancer or blood diseases moved through the building heading into various departments. In my mind I was impressed once again with the number of deadly diseases that plague our world, knowing God never intended for it to be this way! As always it made me sad.

I can’t say I was apprehensive about what we were about to hear. I knew RuthAnn was here so she could track her disease. It was not in an active stage and I was sure her consultation would be somewhat routine. I also knew that mine would be much more intense. I had already been told that my cancer was active and that there were little external treatments, such as radiation could do to slow its progress. I was prepared and did not think I would leave with a report that all was well.

As I sat there, I could not help but think about the almost 15 years since I was first diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate Cancer. I remembered the first time I had heard those words. Only 52 at the time and having been misdiagnosed with an enlarged prostate two years earlier, I was shocked to hear that I had cancer. It was a whirlwind process from there. Painful biopsy, followed by an invasive exploratory surgery to check the lower lymph nodes and seminal vessels led to a very poor prognosis. Even if I had radiation which would be extensive, it would not extend my life by much. I was given two years to live. Yet here I was after 15 years of mostly cancer free existence. I knew I had been blessed. I had been given life. But as I sat there, I wondered if I had used this gift as the Lord would have wanted.

I knew, for sure, that my first years after the cancer diagnosis were spent trying to fill my life with worldly pleasure. I had the attitude that I was going to die soon so let’s eat, drink and be merry! I did! Seeking after anything that would fill the void I felt. I look back now and know I wasted so much time, so much of the free gift I had been given.

In 2009 through no goodness of my own, I became convicted that Jesus was real, that he had died for me, that I wanted to serve him. Yet I still lived like I had all the time in the world. Yes, I was busy within ministries and had convinced myself that I was doing all the ‘good’ I needed. After all I had been lost in alcoholism and drug abuse for years now, I was part of a church and working hard for God. Right?

It wasn’t until the death of my wife Dianne due to her cancer in 2014 that I started to see that I really had been just getting by. I needed to find my own relationship with Jesus. I needed to change my life. I really began to pray the prayer,

“Lord make me willing to be willing.”

As they say, be careful what you pray for. By 2016 I decided I needed to retire. At the same time my whole world was transformed as I met an amazing woman online, by the name of RuthAnn Fillman. Married in 2017, moving to Georgia, I began to write this blog and sought to be deeply involved in recovery ministries. Some doors closed but others opened. God led me to become part of Cheri Peter’s team in her ministry True Step and seek ways to share her message that “God is crazy about us!”

Online meetings for the program Celebrating Life in Recovery and even writing another program followed. Writing a book and publishing some of my blogs. I had a busy life, but God was not done. We were led to Texas; I can’t say yet I know why but I trust He has a reason.

All these things ran through my mind as I waited for the diagnosis, I was sure would be given. I thought of the verse from Romans,

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Finally, our names were called, and we were blessed to see a very competent and knowledgeable young doctor. He explained to RuthAnn that she was still stable in her disease and that he would be monitoring her. Mine was as I expected, was more serious. I had entered into the final stages of Prostate Cancer, referred to as Castrate Resistant. Now I would have to make therapy decisions that would entail drugs and chemotherapy. Neither would lead to more than months of extended life beyond what God was willing to grant me.

I left his office assured, feeling that even in this there was a purpose. Again, I don’t know what it will be, but I am trusting that ALL things will work together for good. So, today as I write this, I still feel the urgency to do all I can to serve Him no matter what time I have left. I am and have been blessed. May you know and see the things in your life showing His blessings to you also!

Blessings

John

5/10/21

Worried

It has been a long time since I have sat down at my computer with the intention to write! In that time, we have completely changed our lives. Where we live, Georgia to Texas. How we are going to live, buying a house with one of our kids. How we will deal with future health challenges, my cancer is active again and RuthAnn has issues with both Rheumatoid Arthritis and Neurology. All of these changes have come with stress added to what everyday life can bring.

I wish I could say I have dealt with this well. That I have turned the stress and all of the turmoil over to the Lord, that I have lived by Jesus words:

 “Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34

But I have not! As a matter of fact, I have lived the opposite. I have worried about everything! Stressed about buying the new house. We had a lot of trouble during the process, and I worried at every twist and turn. Worried about moving. Even though RuthAnn did most all the packing I stressed over every box and how much stuff there was. Would it all fit into a moving van! Worried over the money we were spending to renovate the house we bought. I made sure everyone knew we would not be able to afford all that needed to be done. Worried about selling our Georgia house. Would we be able to sell it per our time schedule and for the money we were seeking? Worried about health. Could we find doctors who would understand our health needs. Worry, worry, worry, and worry some more. And all the while God was creating miracles right in front of my eyes, yet I was too WORRIED to see.

The blessing is God is so loving, so patient, even with us as we hold on to every worldly concern. So, today I want to share with you some of the miracles God did while I wasn’t believing He would; hoping it will open you to the blessings in your life that you are not seeing!

The New House:

Back in November RuthAnn and I were visiting Keene Texas where her son and daughter-in-law live. We had visited many times before but for reasons we did not know at the time RuthAnn felt at home there again. She had taught school and lived in the area for 15 years before moving to Georgia to finish her teaching career but now the urge to move back was strong. A brief conversation with her son set in motion life changing events. Going online he found a house that intrigued us all. A unique place in the middle of Cleburne, Texas with lots of land large outbuilding and a funky rock house. We all loved it at first sight. But were disappointed to find it was already under contract. We returned to Georgia and pursued other properties, but nothing fit what we were seeking. Then came the first ‘God thing’. In January, the house came back on the market. The owner was having trouble with the buyer and even though the house was still under contract,  they were willing to take other offers. This began a 2-month rollercoaster of worry even though God had it in His control, I wanted to take it over. We finally purchased the house on March 12th. Now I really had stuff to worry about!

Moving:

RuthAnn had started packing in December but all I could see it that we had so much stuff! It seemed endless. Box after box. I knew we could never move it all ourselves, but could we afford the cost of a mover? We searched and researched and were convinced our options were limited. Then God stepped in again. RuthAnn had been moved by the Texas Conference of Seventh Day Adventists when she had moved from Texas to Georgia several years before, so she called and asked if they would move us. At least we knew they would be honest and trustworthy. But even their estimate was out of our range until we were told that RuthAnn was allowed one free move after retirement. We knew it was a ‘God thing’ but still I worried, would it all fit in a truck. Up to the day the movers arrived I just did not trust. You know, everything fit! And we were blessed with a wonderful young man who drove the truck and directed the loading. Another miracle but I was not yet convinced!

Selling our Georgia home:

We bought the house in Texas before we had our Georgia home on the market. As we paid out the down payment and began renovations, it was apparent we would have to build an addition immediately. Where would the money come from? We had some savings, so did our son, but it was not going to be enough. A realtor had told us we could not get what we expected from the sale and now as we signed a contract to do the addition on the new house it all looked so impossible.

As we returned to Georgia, I was anxious. We contacted the realtor again but now she was willing to at least try to sell the house for what we had asked. Then the miracles kept coming. On the first day we had the house on sale we received nine offers, half being for more than we asked, and one was a cash offer. The house was under contract the next day and yesterday it closed. We were blessed abundantly. The impossible had happened. Now I should trust, right? But I still could not see the big picture.

Doctors and Health:

We had returned to Georgia soon after the closing of the Texas house. My oncologist earlier in the year had ordered a Pet Scan to check for new tumor growth from the Prostate Cancer. I had the scan done in late March and the results showed signs that cancer cells were present. After 14 years of battling stage 4 cancer, it was sure I had entered into a stage where I would now be in need of advanced treatments. The worry was that we were moving I would need a new oncologist and quickly. On top of that we needed a primary care doctor, RuthAnn needed a Rheumatologist and Neurologist. Again, it seemed like it could not be done in the time frame we needed. Again, I saw God work and as I write this today, we have all the doctors we require. I am under the care of an amazing young oncologist who has moved quickly to get me into treatment. No, he cannot cure me. But I finally have seen that God moved in every way to open doors and close others.

Trust and Obey:

Through this entire process I have worried, I have griped and complained. All the time God had it covered. So often in my addicted life I struggled with trust. The problem still is that after years of believing I still find that when push comes to shove, I fall short of true faith. I fail to trust and obey.

Still as I sit here this morning I am blessed. I have seen the miracles even when I doubted each one. I know I serve a loving God who allows me to fall not seven times but seventy times seven and still loves me.

I pray this morning for you to see the miracles in your life and know they are real. As the Apostle Paul says about trusting and drawing nearer to Jesus:

“ Therefore, He is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.” Hebrews 7:25

Trust and obey today.

Blessings

John

5/5/2021