The lobby is spacious and decorated in such a way to give all those entering would have a peaceful feeling. The room was full and still under Covid restrictions or at least masks were required. Yet unlike many other doctor’s offices most patients seemed to be allowed to have a family member with them.
RuthAnn and I were both here to see a Cancer and blood specialist. Now we sat filling out the myriad of papers required by doctors before a first appointment. In my mind it was a miracle that we had only been in Texas for less than two weeks and here we were already about to consult a specialist about our serious illnesses. For me that meant an ongoing battle with Prostate Cancer and for RuthAnn it was MGUS, a primary stage of Multiple Myeloma. We would be consulted by the same doctor at the same time. Again, a miracle!
Once the papers were filled out the wait was long as we were moved from the general waiting area to the doctor’s waiting room. Along the way I watched as the patients in various stages of cancer or blood diseases moved through the building heading into various departments. In my mind I was impressed once again with the number of deadly diseases that plague our world, knowing God never intended for it to be this way! As always it made me sad.
I can’t say I was apprehensive about what we were about to hear. I knew RuthAnn was here so she could track her disease. It was not in an active stage and I was sure her consultation would be somewhat routine. I also knew that mine would be much more intense. I had already been told that my cancer was active and that there were little external treatments, such as radiation could do to slow its progress. I was prepared and did not think I would leave with a report that all was well.
As I sat there, I could not help but think about the almost 15 years since I was first diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate Cancer. I remembered the first time I had heard those words. Only 52 at the time and having been misdiagnosed with an enlarged prostate two years earlier, I was shocked to hear that I had cancer. It was a whirlwind process from there. Painful biopsy, followed by an invasive exploratory surgery to check the lower lymph nodes and seminal vessels led to a very poor prognosis. Even if I had radiation which would be extensive, it would not extend my life by much. I was given two years to live. Yet here I was after 15 years of mostly cancer free existence. I knew I had been blessed. I had been given life. But as I sat there, I wondered if I had used this gift as the Lord would have wanted.
I knew, for sure, that my first years after the cancer diagnosis were spent trying to fill my life with worldly pleasure. I had the attitude that I was going to die soon so let’s eat, drink and be merry! I did! Seeking after anything that would fill the void I felt. I look back now and know I wasted so much time, so much of the free gift I had been given.
In 2009 through no goodness of my own, I became convicted that Jesus was real, that he had died for me, that I wanted to serve him. Yet I still lived like I had all the time in the world. Yes, I was busy within ministries and had convinced myself that I was doing all the ‘good’ I needed. After all I had been lost in alcoholism and drug abuse for years now, I was part of a church and working hard for God. Right?
It wasn’t until the death of my wife Dianne due to her cancer in 2014 that I started to see that I really had been just getting by. I needed to find my own relationship with Jesus. I needed to change my life. I really began to pray the prayer,
“Lord make me willing to be willing.”
As they say, be careful what you pray for. By 2016 I decided I needed to retire. At the same time my whole world was transformed as I met an amazing woman online, by the name of RuthAnn Fillman. Married in 2017, moving to Georgia, I began to write this blog and sought to be deeply involved in recovery ministries. Some doors closed but others opened. God led me to become part of Cheri Peter’s team in her ministry True Step and seek ways to share her message that “God is crazy about us!”
Online meetings for the program Celebrating Life in Recovery and even writing another program followed. Writing a book and publishing some of my blogs. I had a busy life, but God was not done. We were led to Texas; I can’t say yet I know why but I trust He has a reason.
All these things ran through my mind as I waited for the diagnosis, I was sure would be given. I thought of the verse from Romans,
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Finally, our names were called, and we were blessed to see a very competent and knowledgeable young doctor. He explained to RuthAnn that she was still stable in her disease and that he would be monitoring her. Mine was as I expected, was more serious. I had entered into the final stages of Prostate Cancer, referred to as Castrate Resistant. Now I would have to make therapy decisions that would entail drugs and chemotherapy. Neither would lead to more than months of extended life beyond what God was willing to grant me.
I left his office assured, feeling that even in this there was a purpose. Again, I don’t know what it will be, but I am trusting that ALL things will work together for good. So, today as I write this, I still feel the urgency to do all I can to serve Him no matter what time I have left. I am and have been blessed. May you know and see the things in your life showing His blessings to you also!
Blessings
John
5/10/21
