Month: March 2020

It had been weeks and still we were not speaking to one another. We now lived in armed camps. I had the west side of the house and she had the east. Problem was the kitchen was on her side. In order to cook food, I needed to wait until she was out doing her daily tour of thrift stores and junk shops looking for things to sell at the Rose Bowl swap meet. How did we ever get to this place?

The answer was simple, our relationship had become lost in accusations, jealousy and mired in both of our addictions. We no longer could find a place to come together. We were two people living in one house but no longer living in one life.

On a Sunday morning about two weeks after the entrenchment I heard my wife calling my name. We had not spoke in so long I was startled by it, “John… John can you hear me?” I was hesitant to answer, no I was not going to give her that pleasure. But she was insistent, “John I know you are in there, answer me!” Finally, I said, “Yeah what do you want, I am busy scheduling my crews for tomorrow?” I could hear her breathing now, there were tears and sadness in those breaths. Slowly she said, “I cannot do this anymore. You and I have to talk this over or maybe we need help. I am willing to see a counselor or talk to a minister… if you are not willing, I am thinking of driving to Oregon and staying with the kids until you can stop acting like a fool!” Her tears were flowing now I could tell. In my heart I knew I should go to her, agree to all she said, but I could not. My heart was cold. The distance between us seemed like a chasm no bridge could span. I said coldly, “Yeah, I think some time with your kids would do you good. Maybe it will do us all some good.” I heard the cries of sorrow as she left the house and soon my life for months to come. Distant and distance, the workings of a broken life.

In the past I was pretty good at social distancing. I didn’t know the term back then, but I did it with a vengeance in most of my relationships. Today we are faced with an enormous challenge in the world where coronavirus is the issue that is driving us all apart. Unlike the socially dysfunctional and addiction tainted world where I separated myself from my wife in war like camps, we are now subject to separation that none of us ever expected or wanted. But there are similar ways I could have dealt with it back then and how we can deal with this today. It simply comes down to love but not just human love. No something much deeper and all encompassing, if we let it. It is called Agape Love, and it is only found when we have a deep, consuming relationship with God.

You see, back when the story I have shared took place, I did not understand or even believe in God. My whole and concerning understanding of love came from the shallow feelings and emotions I found in self-gratification or in love given only when I got what I needed in return. Any circumstance could break it. Any problem became a mountain instead of a mole hill. I could say I loved my wife and in the same breath say I loved basketball, and both meant about the same to me. The scary thing is I look into the world around me as we are being incased in this new relationship with each other and I see the reflections of that ‘love’ for others shown in selfish actions and ideas. Where is the love?

In my case it took an attitude adjustment which only took place when I understood the cross of Jesus Christ.  Here is how the Apostle Paul explains it,

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5: 6-8

Do you see it? I finally did. After years of a squandered life, God showed me through the guidance of His Word and the Holy Spirit, that even as I did not love him or others, he was still willing to die for me. That kind of love is transforming. That kind of love changed this self-absorbed man into one who knew he was a broken vessel but one who could be used to love others not as objects but as precious children of that same loving God!

Today we need that kind of love in the world. But folks, we can’t do it ourselves. We can’t do it in fear. We can only do it if we are willing to surrender our selfish lives to the One who knows the beginning from the end. If we can just let the Holy Spirit fill us with these thoughts and ways:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Do you think this could bring some peace to this world of turmoil and fear? I know it can. Think about it today. Pray and ask God for the spirit of love and not fear. He will give it freely.

Blessings

John

3/31/20

 

“Sobriety ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” I thought as I sat in my room on a Friday night. I had been sober now for over three weeks and it was really getting on my nerves. I knew I should find a AA meeting but it just didn’t seem like the thing to do tonight. “I should be out partying.” It was all I could think about.

I knew that the bar I hung out at, only about four blocks from here, would be jumping by now. I wondered if my dealer would be there. Just a quarter gram of ‘crank’ would get me right. Yeah, a few lines and a couple whiskey and cokes, I could be back here before midnight, no muss, no fuss.
As I sat there I could feel the burn of the drugs and the cool taste of my drink. “I just ain’t fair! Why should I have to be cooped up in here, when all the whole world is out having a good time. I can start sobriety again tomorrow.” I mumbled these words pacing the room.

As I sat at on the edge of the bed, I knew my self-control was about to crack. Grabbing my coat, I headed toward downtown Salt Lake City with every intention of going to the church on State Street where the AA meeting was being held. “I will get there and these urges will go away. Maybe I should call my sponsor. No, I will just head to the meeting, that will be enough, he is probably there.” I began to walk at a quicker pace, sweat now forming on my brow and between my shoulder blades.

As I entered the basement door of the church, I could smell coffee and cigarette smoke, it didn’t comfort me. I wanted a drink! With all the control I had left I took a seat in the back row. Testimonies had already started and a grey-haired man was droning on about his life before he connected with his ‘higher power’ which changed his life. “Spare me!” I thought. “This higher power stuff is the whole problem with AA. Higher power, what higher power?” I shook my head and snickered at the gullibility of some people. Scanning the crowd for Bill, my sponsor. I could see he was not around.

Within a few minutes, I knew there was no hope I needed to find my dealer. I needed a drink. With all my self-control and determination shattered, I rushed out the door and headed for the bar.

If you have been reading my blog for the last several weeks you have seen that I have been writing about ‘Fruit of the Spirit’ as defined in the book of Galatians 5:22-23. Each day sharing how a particular ‘fruit’ has helped in my journey from addict to clean and sober follower of Jesus Christ. Today, I have come to the final fruit, self-control, some call it temperance. Either way, it was in my lost years something that was beyond my understanding. As many times as, I struggled to control my addictions that many times I failed. It didn’t matter, be it a twelve-step program or individual counseling. Nothing could curb my urges or my drives for the substances that controlled me. There was no hope. I was controlled and was out of control.

The thing is we have a God of infinite mercy and love. Don’t skip over this, let me say it again, “We have a God of infinite mercy and love!” In fact, He is more than that, “…God is love.” (1 John 4:8) And it is because of this that I went from a man out of control to a man of self-control in less than two years. God’s love as shown in the cross of Jesus Christ did that. Simple right…. Wrong!

Addictions and being in the grip of them do not go away easily for some of us. Yes, I have heard the miracle stories of those who prayed for release and bam, it happened in a day or a week. But that is not my story. It was a step by step process. I felt sometimes I was in the battle of for my very life and of course, I was.

But the God who is love, gave us the book which can mend every broken life, can heal every wound, and can provide control over the uncontrollable, it is called the Bible. It is there I found the words of power I did not have. Promises that over time I found could be trusted. The cool thing is that I did not come to this book believing it could do anything. But slowly it did, without my knowing it I came to see in my life that “…the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joint and marrow; it can judge the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrew 4:12) When you let it in, you open the door to the Holy Spirit.

I know that many of you, like me not that long ago, are struggling to believe in anything. Struggling for control in your life. Try opening the Bible, look for the Book of Hebrews, find Chapter 4 and verses 14 through 15 you will read this: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

You and I are offered hope to control what controls us in these words. If you are willing, Jesus is able. But if you find you aren’t ready to do this, why not visit my friend Cheri Peter’s website, www.truestep.org Check out the healing messages and videos available there. Whatever you do today, don’t live in hopelessness, reach out help is there even if you can’t believe it right now. Trust that this out of control man found the strength he did not have, it is called Grace and we all need it.

I certainly didn’t find it that night years ago. I found my dealer at the bar. I was not sober again for many years. But God is good and I write this it has been over nine years since I had a drink and eleven years without drugs controlling me. It just took that one step, inputting the Word of God in my life. I now live within the Fruit of the Spirit. “Can I hear an Amen.” AMEN.

Blessings John

3/26/20

Barney B. Hamilton, or just Ham to his friends, was the bravest man I had ever known. He had earned two purple hearts during World War II, both times being wounded while rescuing comrades under fire. And when it came to Ironwork, he could walk an 8” beam 50 stories up without even a care. He lived life at full speed. Certainly, drank too much and drove his beloved 1966 Cougar way too fast and he did it all without fear. He had been my mentor and friend for almost 10 years, and I thought more of him than my own father. Now he was dying.

Trixie, his wife, had called me from their home in Red Wing, Minnesota. I could tell immediately from the quaver in her voice that something was wrong. We had talked many times. She always answered the phone whenever I had called to check up or check in. Ham hated telephones and she would fill me in on everything for a half hour or so then put the old boy on and he would mumble a hello and within five minutes a gruff goodbye. Every now and again she would call me and tell me Ham was thinking about coming out of retirement, we would laugh. I could hear him in the background swearing up a storm, pledging to come get me there was a big job that needed his expertise. It never happened no matter how much each of us wished it would. But this call was different. Trixie’s ever sunny voice was sad.

After my hello’s I waited for her to say what she needed to and shortly it came out, “Johnny,….” a long pause, “The docs say Ham has lung cancer that has already spread to his other organs, he is dying.” I didn’t have a hard time believing the idea of him having lung cancer. Since he could roll his own cigarettes he had been smoking. Even after I had quit years ago, he refused to even think about it. Cancer wasn’t hard to imagine. But life without my friend was. I spoke softly, breaking back tears, “Trix, I am going to be on the next flight. I will be there soon.” We talked for a few minutes more. She told me a few of the local guys had been there already and she urged me to hurry, his time was short.

I got a flight out of Salt Lake City that afternoon and landed in Minneapolis by 6:00 pm, rented a car and drove the 60 miles or so to their place in Red Wing. When Trixie answered the door, she hugged me and said, “He’s been waiting for you!” She grabbed my hand and led me through the large, old farmhouse’s living room. Both of Ham’s sons were there, along with a couple old timers from the trade who I knew. Saying hello to all, I followed Trixie up the creaking staircase.

Entering their bedroom, I approached the bed. I was shocked to see the large man I once knew shriveled and pale. He seemed to be sleeping but roused as I approached. “Johnny” he said with a raspy voice, holding out his still big hand. As I grasped it, he pulled me to a chair next to the bed. This seemed to wear on his strength, but he continued to hold my hand. Finally, he rasped, “So boyo, you’re here! It took me kicking the bucket to get you out of that hell hole state you live in.” Ham thought all states except Minnesota were hell holes but especially any state beyond the Rocky Mountains. I grinned and spoke in a gleeful voice, that I really didn’t feel, “I didn’t come here to see you kick any bucket. There is a big job in Colorado, and it has your name all over it! You need to get past this thing you got going and come with me.”

He tried to laugh, but it came out in ghastly gulps for air. He gripped my hand tight then relaxed. Shaking his head, he said, “No not this time, Sprout, I am staying home side. You are the ramrod now.” I felt tears welling as I put my other hand on top of his. With an effort he rolled toward me and said, “I heard that Mark Twain said this, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger to hate. Hate to suffering.”” Ham loved Mark Twain and used to have one of his novels with him wherever we boomed. I aint afraid, John. I have no fear.” Now for the first time I heard him talk of his faith I knew he had but never spoke of. “I know you don’t believe in God and I have always felt sad about that. You see, I have seen death all around me and I have seen things you never have. I didn’t ask Trixie to call you to get you on a flight from the God forsaken place you live in to have you come boo-hoo at my bedside. I asked you to come to share with you what I should have years ago. A verse from the Bible. And now I am going to do it if you like it or not.”

I shook my head but still grasped his hand with both of mine. His eyes closed and I thought he had fallen off, but then I heard in a soft whisper, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” A pause then, “That is Isaiah Chapter 41 verse 10.” He said still in a struggled whisper. “I have carried that verse in my heart. It took me through a war, a failing farm, an updraft that almost pulled me off that 40 story we worked in New York and it is taking me through this right now. That is all I wanted to tell you, son. I have no fear and I want you to do the same.”

Years have passed since I sat in that gloomy bedroom next to the bravest man I ever knew. He did die about three days later but I did not take his faith or his favorite verse into my heart until around 2010. I cannot say I have lived without fear since the moment I believed that there is a God that strengthens me, but I can say today that I am not afraid.

I am not afraid living in this world filled with Coronavirus. Not afraid of that the world as we know it might never return. I am not afraid because I am now, like my friend Ham, a man of the Book, God’s Word. I know the end of that book and who wins in the end. Today I want to live like it and believe Jesus words, “…In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” From the book of John Chapter 16, verse 33. Yep, that is how I want to live, how about you? Thanks Ham, I still miss you buddy.

Blessings

John

3/23/20

The bridge deck was long. It was now 11:30 and my crew had been working since dawn. As more rebar was being hoisted and the layout gang was spreading it out in front of us. My guys were on ‘tie up’ duty. Every intersection needed to be tied. Eight guys spread across the deck moving forward bent over and tying as fast as they could. I knew my job and it was to keep them bent over without a lot of straightening and standing around. As lunch was approaching this was getting tougher.

The whole crew had been in the bar the night before and now sweating out the booze we had drank was slowing the work down. One of my guys was falling behind and I went over where he was standing. I said, “What’s up Tommy? You are falling behind!” There was no softness of sympathy in my voice as I continued, “You know the routine, brother. Either keep up or get out.” Tommy looked at me with bloodshot eyes and spoke in a raspy voice, “Listen, boss, I am really hurting today. You know how it is. How about just a little slack until lunch and I will pick it back up once I can feed the fire.” I knew he was referring to sucking down a line or two of speed but I had a job to do, “No man, there is no slack here. You were sucking down them rum and cokes last night, now suck it up and catch up!”

He looks at me with sorrowful eyes and said, “You are a hard man, John. I don’t think I have ever seen a bit of compassion in you. I chuckled at this and said, “Listen, brother, don’t get paid to show you or anyone compassion. My job is to get as much of this deck done today as fast as we can. You want sympathy and compassion find yourself a minister or a soft-hearted woman. I ain’t either one so get down to it.” Tommy moaned as he bent over again and started moving forward. He was now on my short list for getting sent down the road. I had no place in my life to be anyone’s kinder and gentler guy.

Drugs and alcohol are a tough taskmaster! Under their influence I couldn’t find a sympathetic bone is my body. Everyone was suspect to me and including family and friends. During those years I thought of God, if he did exist, as a tough guy, just like me. I saw the world around me and all the stuff going on and like so many I said, “If there is a God who is gentle and lowly in heart, I sure couldn’t find Him in the world I was living in!” The problem was that my addictions had hardened my heart so much that His love couldn’t find a way in.

I guess then the question is, “How did I get here?” How did I come to believe that not only was our God loving and gentle but was that way with me, even when I was still wallowing in my own sins? It was not easy but He had a way.

When I took the challenge to read the Bible, I was sure that nothing could touch me. But as I read and listened the power of His Word was amazing. At first I did not see it. I was still drinking and living pretty much as I had before but others started to notice a change in my language. Even the tone of my voice seemed gentler. I didn’t understand, “What was happening?” After about a year I started to get it, the more I input the Word of God the more I was being transformed!
Within two years my even my addictions didn’t have power over me anymore. I walked away from alcohol and drugs. Soon the promises of God not only became real but were now my reality! And as I saw the Savior’s gentleness in my life I became gentler with those around me.

Jesus said this, “Take my yoke on you, and learn of me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) Just words to me only a few years before took on such meaning. I understood that if my burden was too much, Jesus was willing to come along side of me and actually ‘yoke’ Himself to me. If I was willing to repent and admit that I could not do it alone, the cross I was bearing would become lighter. The more I learned about Jesus, His gentleness became mine. So much so this hard-hearted man in 2012 sought to follow the words of Peter in the Book of Acts, “Repent and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38) I was baptized with water and the Holy Spirit opened me to His fruits, I began actually to live that kinder and gentler life. If old Tommy could only see me today. I pray he might read this!

I no longer work in the construction trade. My life is sharing what God has done for me. I still look at the world and do not see His Gentle Spirit living among us way too often. And often still struggle to find that gentleness and humility in myself. But I know it is a prayer away. I know that when I feel my heart harden, I can turn to see my Savior on the cross. Through the pain and burden of my sins He looks at me and says, “Father forgive him he knows not what he is doing.” It melts my heart. It is then I can say with the old hymn, “Loving Jesus, gentle Lamb, in Thy gracious hands I am; Make me, Savior, what Thou art, Live Thyself within my heart. From hard core to heart felt, who’d a thunk it?

Blessings John

3/17/20

“Why are we together?” Dianne said with tears welling. “You are never home and when you are you are either drinking or sleeping. What kind of relationship is that?” I continued mixing a whiskey and coke. I looked at her trying to find a way to defend myself but all I could do was shrug my shoulders, hoping she and this conversation would just go away. No such luck, as she sat at the kitchen table, she said, “At least some women’s guys cheat on them with other women but not you, you are think you are faithful because you don’t go ‘catting around’ but everything and everybody is more important to you than me and our relationship!” I stared down at my drink.

The conversation had come about because on my birthday, Dianne had planned a party that was supposed to begin at around six but my crew had taken me out for ‘one drink’ that had turned into a dozen. We ended up hitting every strip joint along Sepulveda Boulevard in the valley. I did not get home until almost ten. She had thrown her birthday present at me and stormed off to bed.

Now it was the next night and as I sat down across the table from her, I sighed knowing I had to say something, “Ok, yeah, I go out with my crew and have a few drinks after work and sometimes I lose track of time. But I am not unfaithful to you! I just have a lot of responsibilities and need a few drinks to let go of the stress and strain. I am sorry I missed the party but I didn’t mean to.” I took a long pull from the whiskey and coke, hoping that would end the conversation but again no luck. She wiped her eyes and said, “We are supposed to be married in three months, but I don’t know anymore. How can I ever trust you? You are faithful to your job and your company. Faithful to your crew. But what about me?” I lowered my head and felt sorry for myself, how could anyone say I was unfaithful. I worked hard and never cheated people. I was the most faithful guy I knew!

I truly believed that in my ‘lost years’, I was the most faithful guy. I was faithful in my relationships, I mean I never had affairs. If I did lust after other women, I never acted on it. Yet one after another of my relationships failed. I was faithful to my employers. I worked hard and believed I made money for every company I worked for. If I did cut an hour here and there, I deserved it. If used the company credit card for partying when I was out of town, it was only right. I never understood why I didn’t stay with one company for more than a couple of years. I certainly was faithful to my crew members and friends. As long as they followed my orders and didn’t ‘get under my skin’ they would have a job and my friendship. But it seemed that few of them lived up to my standards. I lost crew members often and had pitiful few friends. I couldn’t see it, but in those years, I was only faithful to my addictions, they left little room for anything else. Then a miracle occurred. I opened the Word of God and I found a faithfulness and truth that changed me forever.

Everywhere I looked in the Bible I kept coming across verses like these, “But you, O Lord, are merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 86:15) or “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.” (Deuteronomy 7:9) They sounded good but how did I know I could trust what is said?

Then I really got into listening and reading. I saw a pattern throughout the Old Testament. God was faithful and the people weren’t. But what did that mean to me today? It wasn’t until I connected with Jesus through the Word that I found an idea of faithfulness that was so radical, so over the top that I could not turn away and here it is, “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

When I got that. When I saw that all the times God made deals, covenants in the Old Testament. With Adam, with Abraham, Noah, Moses on and on, and the people kept turning away. When he spoke to them through the prophets, and they didn’t listen. He was still faithful. He had a plan. He would sacrifice His only Son, and did so, even while we were and are in our sin. When I fathomed that kind of faithfulness, that kind of love, it changed me forever.

And like all of God’s characteristics. These fruits of the Spirit He wants to share with us. But faithfulness is special. When we agreed to a faithful relationship with God He see us as His bride, look at this, “And I will betroth you to Me, in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.” (Hosea 2:20) Can you believe it? When we repent. We see God through the cross of Jesus Christ. We are allowed to know the Creator intimately. His faithfulness becomes ours. If that doesn’t change you, check and see if you have a pulse!

Dianne and I did get married. We spent years wallowing in our addictions. But in 2009 she heard the Holy Spirit calling. Returning to the faith of her youth, she led me kicking and screaming to a relationship with Jesus also. In 2014 she passed away. I am comforted to know she will be one of the dead in Christ that will arise and she will be with Him forever. I was blessed to be re-married three years ago. RuthAnn and my relationship is based on Christ’s faithfulness not ours. So I pray, is the rest of my life and my prayer for us all is, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who has promised is faithful.” (Hebrews 10:23) Thank you, Jesus.

Blessings John,

3/10/20