What is the worse thing you can think of? I am sure for many this will conjure up scenes of horrible death or living with some unbearable disability. I have to admit as I sat thinking that both of those scenarios were predominant in my thoughts. Living with terminal cancer for so many years has led me to imagine my demise and death. I am not trying to be morbid here, it is just something that I have thought about. Mainly since my marriage to RuthAnn I have wondered how burdensome my last days would be for her, even though she has assured me that it would not be a burden.
So why am I up at 5:30 in the morning thinking such lowly thoughts. I mean, life is good! The temperatures in Texas have finally dropped below the triple digits, we actually had rain a few nights ago and more is predicted. I am sitting in the comforts of our home with air conditioning and plenty of food to eat. I have the love of my wife and the knowledge of a Savior who died for me. Why is it that my thoughts drift to the negative so often?
I have tried to analyze this for years now. One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to work out all the negativity of my so-called lost years. It was my thought that if I wrote out some of these terribly negative things that I either created or was involved in that I could regenerate myself as a positive thinker. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately it has not happened. Unfortunately, because I so often drift into negative thought which leads to negative actions. Fortunately, because I is a constant reminder of the man I once was and how much grace I have been shown. For me it is really a fine line in between the two.
The crazy thing about this fine line is how the Holy Spirit works in my life and that He never lets me settle into a really comfortable place. Just looking back on the last eight years it is amazing how unsettled my life has been. Back in 2015 I was a recent widower living in Grants Pass, Oregon. I had just begun to find my own relationship with Jesus. I had a comfortable home and a comfortable church. I was involved in ministries that I was sure that I was led to by the Holy Spirit. I had a comfortable if not likable job that afforded me to be generous in donation to many different causes and ministries. A year later it was all upturned.
I innocently began a conversation with a woman on Facebook. Within a short time, our lives became deeply intertwined. At the same time everything was in flux. So many things happened that I do not have the room to describe here. Suffice it to say by the end of that year RuthAnn and I were married. I moved to the state of Georgia and every comfortable thing I had was now replaced with having to experience a new life. This led to so many good things and yet it led to many negative feelings. I sometimes longed for the comforts of my life in Grants Pass but I knew God had a plan and RuthAnn and I would live it out together.
As I adjusted to this new life. New ministries and opportunities along with several disappointments happened. I finally began to write again after almost 45 years. I joined with a ministry I loved Celebrating Life in Recovery. I worked with RuthAnn at her school. Being among the kids was great! But also trials of having people believe things about me that were not true came with the good. Then Covid hit. RuthAnn retired and within a year we were moving again, this time to Texas.
In the midst of this my cancer activated enough to need attention beyond what I had done for 14 years. RuthAnn’s health also had issues which were not present just a few years before. Here we were in a new place (at least for me, RuthAnn had lived and worked in this area before) starting over. This time living with one of our kids, joined to a new really big church and struggling to find our way. It led to many soul-searching times like this morning.
Sitting in the quiet of our living room thinking of what’s next, my thoughts drift toward the negative. The ‘what ifs’, the ‘whys’ and the ‘how comes’ and even the ‘how long’. The blessing of all of this is that I know there was a time in my life that I would not be able to find any answers or if not answers at least assurances. But I am blessed and have been shown, even in all turmoil, grace as I have accepted the promises of God’s Word. Today as I have sat contemplating this favorite promise of mine has also been running through my mind:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
This is what grace to me looks like that even through negative thoughts and morbid ones, I am assured of one thing, God know the beginning from the end. I believe He know me better than myself and knows that if I am uncomfortable, I will seek His will and instead of trying to follow my own. It is not always easy, but it is certainly truth. I will settle for that this morning and see what this day may bring. I pray you can do the same.