Category: Blog

My written stories of salvation

Fear Not…

I can’t believe how long it has been since I have written a blog! I guess I have many excuses. Ministry, still working on my third book and the never-ending work of owning an old home and property, but it all seems a little lame when I look at these excuses! It really comes down to feeling I have written all I can about my life and workings of God in it, the reason I started writing a blog in the first place. After writing over 300 blogs and a testimonial book on the subject it seems redundant to sit and write more. I think by now anyone who has followed my story gets the point, Jesus can meet us right where we are and transform even the most despicable of lives. So, in prayer and thought I have wondered if I have anymore to say from this platform. The crazy thing is I still am not sure but one thing I know is that writing is how the Holy Spirit works in my life. Yikes, with all this said I have a few thoughts to share I pray they will be His words.

Ok, there has been a phrase that has been in my thoughts for days now. It seems everywhere I turn, no matter what I read or listen to. The phrase is “fear not”. This should seem like no big deal to those of you who are in the Word of God daily. This phrase in some form or another is in the Bible 365 times, one time for each day of the year. It is hard to read from any book in the Bible without stumbling across it. Still, when a phrase like this comes up in conversation and sermons ALONG with Bible readings I kind of get the idea that the Holy Spirit is trying to get my attention.

For most Christians even then this would not be that earth shattering. A basic truth espoused by ministers and Christian books alike is if we trust God, we have no reason to fear, right? Of course, one of the anthems of the Word, sermons and writings is summed up in this well used verse:

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

You may be thinking by now, “Man, this guy really doesn’t have a reason to be writing!” Hang on for just a bit because there is something here that is if not earth shattering, is worth the read. Here is what the Holy Spirit has brought to my attention. There is a deeper reason why in God’s Word that this phrase comes up time and time again, most of us live our life in desperate fear.

It makes no difference if you have been a card-carrying Christian since birth or are a confirmed God hater, fear is more than likely one of the main themes of your life. You don’t believe me. Ok, let’s take an honest look. Think of a day when you never had a fearful thought. No worries about money, health, or just the nasty world we live in. Can you honestly do it? If so congrats! I cannot and neither could most of the humans in the Bible. Why else would God have to remind us so often not to be fearful? Truth time, fear is one of Satan’s favorite and easiest weapon to use, because we all were born with a flaw, it is called sin.

There was a time when I would have cried foul at this idea, being born into sin. Even if I had believed the Adam and Eve story, which I didn’t at the time, I think I would have said it just aint fair. Still, all I would have had to do was take an honest look at my life at the time and see that for some reason I was living in total fear. From the time I was a child afraid of the boogie-man under the bed to the jumbled life of fear as an addict. I was a mess and because I did not know Jesus did not understand, to me it was just the way it was. You live, you die, in between you run for your life.

Today, as I have stated, I still have fear in my life but there is a huge difference. It goes back to that verse from Isaiah where we see God’s response to fear and not only fear but to sin. There is a reason why I really do not need to fear and it is so cool. When you believe and you know the truth THEN you no longer need to be fearful or dismayed. God, the creator of the universe, will strengthen you and He will take you into His hand. A hand so righteous that even our terrible fears, our most awful sins can be washed away.

It comes down to this God’s Word is His plan of saving power and all of it culminates in Jesus, the one who lived life without fear and here is what he said about the cure for our lives filled with fear,

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Stop and ruminate on this verse for a bit. Jesus knew the human condition so well. He knew we walked through this place of trials laboring and drug down, loaded with fear. Again, like in Isaiah 41:10 God is offering us rest from all of it. As in Isaiah it is Jesus, the Word made flesh, reiterating the promise to uphold us in His righteousness. Take notice that there are no conditions here. Jesus does not say go get rid of all your junk and then come to me. No, He offers this freely. Our only job is to believe that He can do it.

That is the difference in my life today. I believe Jesus can do exactly what he says. I believe God’s Word when it says, “Fear not”. Is it that simple? Yes, it is and also that hard. Satan hates the idea of me living without fear. So, he continues to whisper to me about my life of sin, hoping I will hang on to the guilt and shame. Sometimes it still works. The fear returns. It is then I cry out to the One who offers to cover me in His righteousness and give me His rest. One by one I lay my burdens down, again. By God’s grace it has gotten easier knowing the door is always open and today I can tell you, “Fear not!” rest is a prayer away!

Blessings

John

7/26/2023

Words of weapon, Words of grace…

As I have been blessed to share my testimony over the years since I was met, in the middle of all my junk, by the Savior, there is one question that comes up often: “How did you know your life was being transformed?” The simple answer to this was, I didn’t.  Yet, lately when the question has come up the Holy Spirit has led me to be able to define this transition through one telling change, language.

To understand this, you would have to know about my day-to-day way of communicating from my early teens forward. I learned early be it from my father or others who used words as weapons that even if I was not physically imposing words could beat others into submission. This became even more important to me when I entered the Ironworking trade. I was a young skinny kid among men who regularly settled all disputes physically. For sure there were times when I also took to brawling to make my point, but as often as not, would be left on the floor of some bar lying in the spilled beer and peanut shells. In the testosterone lit world, I lived in even this gained the respect I so wanted. Men could appreciate I was willing to stand up knowing I would be knocked down;  but it was not enough.

As I grew older if not wiser, one thing did become apparent the thing most feared in that world were words. In most situations I might not be able to physically overcome an opponent, but I could either confuse or put enough doubt into his mind by misusing the God given gift I now use to praise Him to stop a man in his track. Sometimes this would come in the form of false and vain glory flattery, throwing my opponent off guard. More often it would be foul and abusive language that hit at some flaw I had found in that person’s armor. It became my trademark and to my shame now, I was proud of it.

It is strange the way Satan can take the talents God has given us and use them for his purposes, through this lead us to worldly acclaim and even riches. That is exactly what happened to me. Over the years I gained a reputation for the ability to make companies money by any means necessary and as my physical ability to do the job ebbed, I depended even more on my use of knowing when to flatter and when to abuse, either way to lie if needed to get what I thought was needed.

In 2002 I was actually hired because of this ability. A fledging concrete reinforcing company in the Bay area of California was looking for a hardcore project manager. I was exactly what they needed. Hired as a minor part of the operation within months, my skill at using words as weapons helped me become the head of my department. I could manhandle the young project managers and general contractor’s project superintendents alike using mainly abusive language that became so foul that I was given a corner office where I could close the door so others would not have to listen to my tirades. As the years went by my reputation grew. I made the company money, and I lived on the idea that I was one of the best at what I did. Things went so well that when I asked the company to allow me to move to Oregon and work out of the home I had purchased there, they were willing.

At this point I have to tell you that my abusive language did not stop at the door of my office. Over the years I had destroyed many personal relationships. I was proud that I had never physically abused a woman but oh, the words. Even my wife at the time who had suffered years of it saw it was getting worse once I moved my office into our home. Now to her horror she would have to listen to phone conversations that were so bad that it led to our insulating the room I used to keep her from the worst of it, but still it flowed into our personal life.

Then in 2009 with no intent to ever be anything else than what I had been and what had earned me the good paycheck I now brought home, I was more or less forced to listen to God’s Word, the Bible. I would tirade my way through my 10 hour work day and then to let off steam it was my practice to walk for 45 minutes. Most of the time during these walks I would listen to books, mainly crime novels. It was during these walks because I could not read the Bible I had agreed to read that I began to listen to it. Why I did this is a long story that most of you know that have heard or read my testimony. Not having room here to add the whole story, let’s just say it was an agreement with my wife whose life was being transformed by the Savior.

It is written in one of my favorite books of the Bible, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” That comes from the book of Hebrews Chapter 4 verse 12. The simple act of listening to God’s Word even with not yet believing was transforming and the first thing it transformed was the thing Satan had used to most, my language.

The cool thing was that I did not even see or hear it happening. Contractors, business acquaintances and mostly my wife were amazed that for some reason I no longer used foul language either over the phone or in my day-to-day conversations. I had been met by the Savior and He knew I could never follow Him into his kingdom until this transformation happened. It was my first step toward that kingdom.

Of course, as with all transformations there were consequences. It did not happen overnight but slowly I began to lose my ability to use language in any way as a weapon. Not that it was ever taken from me completely. I still fall into Satan’s trap even onto this day, but after years of drawing closer to Jesus through His Word and with a life transformed in so many ways, by 2016 after the death of my wife in 2014, I knew I had to make a decision. I would have to leave this world where I had made so much money because I could no longer serve the company as the person they had hired. The weapon that had brought me worldly success was now repulsive to me. With the help of my soon-to-be wife, I did make the decision to retire early and walk away from the world I had been part of since my youth. I would now try to use God’s gift of words to serve Him.

I have wrote all this because I now so well the power of words to destroy and to uplift. I think it is best expressed in the book of James, “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” James 3: 5-6 The choice ours we can allow the tongue or our language to corrupt our world and influence those around us to do the same or we can choose to uplift in the name of our Savior. As for me, I am blessed to know the difference and pray these words will help you see it also!

An early Christmas gift…

In this season of thanksgiving, it is often easy for me to see how blessed my life is. After all I have more worldly comfort than I could ask for or in my mind, have earned. A warm comfortable home that I share not only with my loving wife but am also blessed to share with our son and daughter-in-law. Yes, there are times when this is troublesome because we live different lives, but the blessings far outweigh the struggles. Also, I have had extended health in the cancer battle of over 16 years. I truly can say, “God is good!”

If this is true, I wonder why I sometimes find myself still lost because I cannot seem to see what I would want ‘God’s will’ for my life to be. Leading me to complain and often be so discouraged that I become frozen in what I do each day. Wasting of much of the precious gift of life that I have been granted.

The amazing thing is that the God we serve is so good that He is willing to overlook my selfish behavior and actually find ways to encourage and allow me to see that in so many ways I am living out His true will, if I am just willing to see it. Yesterday I was given one of those moments of encouragement that was so humbling it brought me to tears.

Some of you know that I spent most of this last year completing two books that have been on my heart for years. One is the testimony I have struggled to write since 2017. It is my story of salvation and the miracle of Jesus in my life after years of addiction and degradation. I was excited when it was finally published but became discouraged when so few copies of it were sold. No, not because of the money I would earn from sales but because I so wanted it to be read. I got lost again in the idea of what my will and God’s will are. This leads me back to yesterday.

It started as a routine day. Which seems too often now includes a doctor’s visit for either RuthAnn or me. This day it would be RuthAnn who was going to have to endure a cardiac stress test. This meant long hours for her being poked and prodded, also tests and treadmill. For me it meant hours of waiting and filling my time with useless reading of news and trivia. This was until RuthAnn sent me an interesting text, telling that a friend and pastor from my days at the Grants Pass, Oregon church had gotten a hold of a copy of my book. I felt blessed by this but thought little more about it until my phone rang. It was my pastor friend and what he had to share with me changed my day!

Without going into too much of our history together, I will just say that Pastor Tony was in my life in the year after my wife Dianne’s death and his intervention and love opened doors to a closer walk with Jesus. So much came out of that time including my need to share the miracle testimony I was blessed with. Yesterday, Tony would share again in a way that showed me why we are in each other’s lives. No accidents or coincidences, but God’s ordained will to serve others.

As Tony began to share, he startled me by telling me two things I was so humbled by that I really struggled to comprehend. The first was that he believed one of the reasons that he had been called to serve the Grants Pass church as a pastor was because of me. That our relationship which has led to so much was central to his time in that church. Of course, I was blown away by this and it would have been enough to encourage me, but he had more. As his conversation continued, he also spoke that as he read my book and he now knew that our paths had crossed years before in Livermore, California where I was working, and he was giving Bible studies that it was no coincidence. Again, this was powerful as I thought how amazing God’s timing and works are. Thinking that was all he had to share I began to tell him how blessed I felt by it. He stopped me and said there was more. The remainder of his story is where I felt that the hand of God is so beyond me that I was brought to tears.

As Tony shared it was a simple story of his being open to see divine appointments, those moments where the Holy Spirit leads us to be in the right place at the right time to share God’s absolute love with another. In this case it was on a flight from Las Vegas to Memphis. As Tony told it, he had prepared himself for this long flight by stocking up on a wholesome meal and prepare himself time to settle in and read my book. He had no assigned seat but allowed God to find him a place and that place was in a middle seat next to a young man sitting at the window next to him. Striking up a conversation, Tony asked why the young man had been in Las Vegas and was told it was a birthday that had brought him to the city and as they spoke Tony could tell he still was inebriated from his time of partying. The conversation slowed and Tony finally settled in to read. This continued until he reached the part of my story where the miracle of God’s grace began to change my life. As he read this, Tony knew that the Holy Spirit was telling him that he needed to speak to the young man next to him further.

Now there was no more small talk. Tony was led to ask what the young man was doing with his life, and did he know that there is a God who loves him and wants only the best for him. The answer was that there was a time when he believed this to be true but now was not sure. Again, the conversation slowed but this time due to the young man now growing ill from the alcohol he had consumed. Tony knew that he was going to be violently sick and tried to offer him his food bad to allow him to do what he needed to do without making a mess, but it did not work. As the young man was sick Tony sat next to him rubbing his back and just being there as a loving presence.

Once the plane landed Tony waited until he could have a moment with the stewardess to explain what had happened and to tell some extra cleaning would need to be done. Exiting the plane and as he waited for his luggage Tony waited to see if the young man would be there. They met once again at the baggage kiosk. The young man thanked Tony for his kindness and as they parted Tony was able to give him his card and open the door to further conversation. Now it will be the Holy Spirit’s work to open more doors for this young man, but I am sure He will!

As Tony finished this story, I knew once again that none of what I too often think about when I consider my writings is important. It does not matter how many books I sell just into whose hands each book goes. I was tearfully humbled to know that a life had been touched ignited by the words I was given to write. What a precious gift that is for me and how thankful should I be? The answer to that is still reverberating in my heart as I write this.

All I know as Tony prayed for us as we were parting that I had been changed again. That I knew my transformation was still ongoing and I realized how blessed I am. Before we hung up, I also knew another miracle had occurred and I could say with a full heart is God is good all the time and all the time God is good! To that I say a humble, Amen!

The Worse That Could Happen..

What is the worse thing you can think of? I am sure for many this will conjure up scenes of horrible death or living with some unbearable disability. I have to admit as I sat thinking that both of those scenarios were predominant in my thoughts. Living with terminal cancer for so many years has led me to imagine my demise and death. I am not trying to be morbid here, it is just something that I have thought about. Mainly since my marriage to RuthAnn I have wondered how burdensome my last days would be for her, even though she has assured me that it would not be a burden.

So why am I up at 5:30 in the morning thinking such lowly thoughts. I mean, life is good! The temperatures in Texas have finally dropped below the triple digits, we actually had rain a few nights ago and more is predicted. I am sitting in the comforts of our home with air conditioning and plenty of food to eat. I have the love of my wife and the knowledge of a Savior who died for me. Why is it that my thoughts drift to the negative so often?

I have tried to analyze this for years now. One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to work out all the negativity of my so-called lost years. It was my thought that if I wrote out some of these terribly negative things that I either created or was involved in that I could regenerate myself as a positive thinker. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately it has not happened. Unfortunately, because I so often drift into negative thought which leads to negative actions. Fortunately, because I is a constant reminder of the man I once was and how much grace I have been shown. For me it is really a fine line in between the two.

The crazy thing about this fine line is how the Holy Spirit works in my life and that He never lets me settle into a really comfortable place. Just looking back on the last eight years it is amazing how unsettled my life has been. Back in 2015 I was a recent widower living in Grants Pass, Oregon. I had just begun to find my own relationship with Jesus. I had a comfortable home and a comfortable church. I was involved in ministries that I was sure that I was led to by the Holy Spirit. I had a comfortable if not likable job that afforded me to be generous in donation to many different causes and ministries. A year later it was all upturned.

I innocently began a conversation with a woman on Facebook. Within a short time, our lives became deeply intertwined. At the same time everything was in flux. So many things happened that I do not have the room to describe here. Suffice it to say by the end of that year RuthAnn and I were married. I moved to the state of Georgia and every comfortable thing I had was now replaced with having to experience a new life. This led to so many good things and yet it led to many negative feelings. I sometimes longed for the comforts of my life in Grants Pass but I knew God had a plan and RuthAnn and I would live it out together.

As I adjusted to this new life. New ministries and opportunities along with several disappointments happened. I finally began to write again after almost 45 years. I joined with a ministry I loved Celebrating Life in Recovery. I worked with RuthAnn at her school. Being among the kids was great! But also trials of having people believe things about me that were not true came with the good. Then Covid hit. RuthAnn retired and within a year we were moving again, this time to Texas.

In the midst of this my cancer activated enough to need attention beyond what I had done for 14 years. RuthAnn’s health also had issues which were not present just a few years before. Here we were in a new place (at least for me, RuthAnn had lived and worked in this area before) starting over. This time living with one of our kids, joined to a new really big church and struggling to find our way. It led to many soul-searching times like this morning.

Sitting in the quiet of our living room thinking of what’s next, my thoughts drift toward the negative. The ‘what ifs’, the ‘whys’ and the ‘how comes’ and even the ‘how long’. The blessing of all of this is that I know there was a time in my life that I would not be able to find any answers or if not answers at least assurances. But I am blessed and have been shown, even in all turmoil, grace as I have accepted the promises of God’s Word. Today as I have sat contemplating this favorite promise of mine has also been running through my mind:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

This is what grace to me looks like that even through negative thoughts and morbid ones, I am assured of one thing, God know the beginning from the end. I believe He know me better than myself and knows that if I am uncomfortable, I will seek His will and instead of trying to follow my own. It is not always easy, but it is certainly truth. I will settle for that this morning and see what this day may bring. I pray you can do the same.