Over the past two weeks I have written blogs concerning two of the three necessaries of Christian life according to the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:13:
“Now these three remain: faith hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
Today I am going to walk away from my usual format of sharing a life event that either shows that I needed God or shows that God loved me even when I did not believe I needed him. I want to speak more in general today about this last of the three, for lack of a better word, virtues: Love. And even though I am not going to share a story, I still am going to try to express the depth of it to me by exploring a bit of my interactions with or missing the mark on its true meaning for years and how that relates to my addictions. A big topic but I will attempt to shrink it.
Growing up as I did in a home where love was not shown in ways that I understood, from the very beginning I mistook any expression of kindness or gentleness as love. Also due to the fact that sexual relationships were never taught or even discussed in my world, the growing feeling I had upon entering puberty got mixed into the idea of what love was all about. This was not helped by the time or generation I grew to adulthood in. Some refer to it as the ‘Love generation’. I refer to it as the ‘Time of Great Confusion” Without a background in moral or sexual code, a whole generation, including myself, came to see the word Love in the context of sex, drugs and rock and roll. For me you can throw alcohol into the mix!
In my case you can also add on the background of Catholic teachings about a God who really had little to do with love. It seemed his job was as the moral policeman who if I sinned, especially sexually, demanded punishment, with the only forgiveness whispered by a priest in a darkened box: penance of mumbled impotent ‘prayers’. In the confusion of my mind that God needed to be removed so I could find love in ways that were neither good nor sacred.
So, I married. Once, twice, three times. Along with innumerable relationships in between. My version of love was so sad. And as my failures stacked up, my addictions grew. And in the wake of them, my decisions became more self-centered and clouded. The little boy who had sought love was now a hard-hearted man who failed even to show the love needed to another little boy, my son.
During my third marriage the depth of all I had become seemed to finally lead me to a place where I thought I would never leave. Separated from my wife, living in a 5th wheel trailer in a low life trailer park outside of Las Vegas, Nevada, I was loveless, emotionless, and far from even being human. Yet even there, in that desolate land, without my knowledge, the TRUE love of God was still seeking me.
As I see it now God led me to reconcile with my wife. He led me to rebuild our broken relationship. And in 2009 he led me to begin to read a book that is all about Love, so different and so transforming from everything I had ever known. That book is God’s Word, the Bible. It is in this book and only a few verses above the statement about faith, hope and love I started this blog with, that I finally found what real love is all about:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
When I first read this, I saw a definition of love I had never known or understood. I so wanted to believe and make it so in my life, but I was so far from it I could not see it ever happening. It was not until I combined it with these words from the Apostle John that I understood how it works. That it was not about me, it was never about me:
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” (1 John 4: 7-12)
You see it, “God IS LOVE” These words were so transforming to me. Once I saw it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIS love so complete that there was nothing, he would hold back to save me, not even Jesus, his son. That love is the real thing, that love is what changed me.
And the unbelievable thing to me is that after the sorrow of my wife’s death, God gave me one more chance to see the depth of that love, in person, he gave me a partner who with now I see that love every day. He blessed me to be able to give love, not selfishly anymore but with Him at the center, RuthAnn and I walk through life able to see LOVE and share it with others, how cool is that.
My prayer for you today is to read the words of God’s love in the true book of love and let it change you. Let the Holy Spirit fill you in a way that you can say with me, “I Love you!” and really mean it!
Blessings
John
8/2/20
