The truck was going into a power slide as I came over the top of the hill. In my mind, “Foot off the gas. Don’t hit the brake. Steer into the slide. Stay calm.” I could hear my father’s voice, with its critical tones, swear words mixed in telling me this. I did as the voice told me and as the truck slowed, I felt it coming back under control. More of my father’s words in my head, “If you were watching the road and knew the conditions this kind of stuff won’t be necessary, how many times have I told you!” I shook my head and tilted it in a mock respect, mumbling under my breath, “Thanks Dad, you’re always quite the expert!” At this I had to laugh, “You are brave now, John boy, but if he was sitting in the seat next to you, I bet you would not be so smug.” That was true, and I knew it, I had feared my father all my life. With his recent death I had not yet come to grips with the love-hate relationship we always had. And as I drove off White Horse Pass heading into Wendover, Nevada, it weighed heavy on my mind.
My father was a large presence in all of our lives. My two brothers and one sister each had a mercurial relationship with him. He could be intimidating because of his sheer size. I think as a kid that was what scared and fascinated me both at the same time. If one of us kids had what could be called a ‘close’ relationship, I guess it would have been me. Maybe it was because I was the youngest or because in some ways, I was the most like him. But having that relationship with him was not always a joyful experience. He seemed to expect me to do everything well and when I didn’t his disapproval was devastating.
I am not saying he wasn’t the same with all the kids, he was. No one could do things as well or knew as much as my father. The difference was that with the others my mother was more of a buffer, defending and encouraging. But she did little of that with me. And over the years I found that seeking his approval and rarely getting it added to my overcompensating and having low self-opinion. It also led me to not understand how to be a loving father and, in some way, a loving husband or friend.
And as I sat in that truck in the winter of 1995, recriminating myself for not watching the road, I felt his disapproval even though he had been dead for months. Slowly as I crawled down the pass, these thoughts of incompetency led to thoughts of my own failure as a father. I could only shake my head and hear my father’s accusing laugh, hear his voice once again, “You fail at everything you try! I never abandoned you. I drank and still made a home for my family, you use it as a crutch and an excuse.” As the road cleared and Wendover came into view, I was not prepared for the work day ahead. With all these thoughts I would rather just sit at the Peppermill Casino’s bar than work on the foundations for its new hotel. Loser that I was, isn’t it to be expected? But as I pulled up in front of the jobsite without much emotion, I pulled on my winter coveralls. Digging under the seat I pulled out the bottle of whiskey and poured a large dose into my coffee cup. “Hell, with it all and you too Dad!” I headed to work.
There are a lot of things I have had to come to grips with in my recovery from addictions to drugs and alcohol, but the large presence of my father was one of the hardest. And even though before this day back in the winter of 1995, my father and I had made peace in his last days. I still struggled mightily with the idea that even though I saw myself as being a relatively talented man, I was always surprised when I got things right. I found in my recovery that most of that was because I based my self-esteem on myself and the works I did. Not in God and the works He does in me. It was only slowly as the Holy Spirit revealed this truth that I was able to find that substances were not needed to be at peace with myself.
Now a days, I still struggle with self-worth but have found my strength in God’s Word. Here are a few verses that have helped me in my recovery, I thought I would share this morning:
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)
“Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
And here are two that Jesus himself promised:
“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
“Jesus looked straight at them and answered, “This is impossible for human beings, but for God everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
I hold on to and believe in these words today. The voices of my past can accuse me, and I know they may be right. But as long as my faith is in the one who gave all to save me, I say, “When I look at myself, I wonder how I can be saved, but when I look at Jesus, I wonder how I could ever be lost!” It is His voice I hear this morning! That is a great start to the week!
Blessings
John
12/10/18 \
