I could not sleep. Fear seemed to be filled the room, almost sucking the air out of the place. I had woken sweating for not the first time and could not tell if it was from the new drug I had been on for the last few months or because of fear. Either way, I sat up in bed trying to catch my breath. “How long do I have left?” was all I could think. “I might be dead by this time next year.”
Three months ago, I had been diagnosed with advanced Prostate Cancer. After years of being treated for an enlarged prostate, the truth had come out when all six of the biopsies, taken by my new urologist, showed cancer. Within two weeks I was having an exploratory surgery to see if the cancer had spread to the lymph node glands and seminal vessels near the prostate, of course it had. Now I was told my only line of treatment would be an antigen drug to suppress testosterone and radiation. Along with this I was self-catheterizing just so I could urinate. Could it get any worse? The answer was yes.
I had a consultation with a radiologists oncologist who advised me not to bother putting myself through radiation. His advice was to: “Enjoy the little time you have left.” That had been this morning and now I sat up in bed, afraid. Death was near and I had no hope.
I have heard it said many time, “Life is better than the alternative.” I have always assumed, when I heard this, that it referred to death. I suppose that being alive to most of us is better than the ultimate fear, our own death. I sure thought this way most of my life. I believed the hype I saw on commercials to live life to the fullest. But the problem was I had no idea how to do that.
Sure enough, I had traveled across this country and experienced much. In my later years, I have been on exotic cruises through the Panama Canal and around the horn in South America. I kept expecting to find fulfillment in these. Completing the “Bucket List”, so to speak. But no matter how far I traveled or how much I tried to seek the pleasures of this world, I was left with a feeling of emptiness.
One of the great men of the Old Testament experienced the same thing, his name was King Solomon. I can tell you one thing, I don’t think anyone today can hold a candle to this guy when it comes to seeking worldly pleasure. I mean, he had store rooms full of gold and had inherited a nation that had secure borders. So much so that the other kings around him were begging to do business with him.
When it came his love life, whew, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 girlfriends, enough said. He built an unbelievable temple to God that was the envy of the world. And God favored him so much, that He asked Solomon what gifts he would want and the king asked for wisdom becoming known as the wisest man of his day. He had all this and so much more. But the more he had the more he had become lost.
He let wives talk him into worshipping other gods. All the possessions led to greed and unhappiness. At the end of his life he wrote this in a book called Ecclesiastes, “Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and striving after the wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 2:11) He had it all it seemed but it all came to nothing. He regretted his choices and I think he could make peace with God, but could I?
I came to realize my choices too had caused pain and regrets. Living a life of earthly fulfillment did not give me the strength it was going to take to survive with a life threatening disease or even live in a way the I could find peace. And to top it all, face the idea of death with hope.
The only answers I found to all questions are in Jesus. He is the only one who can say, “I am the way, and the truth and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6) For a man who had lost his way, had forgotten what truth was and longed for a life filled with joy. That was a promise I could hold on to. And from the day I repented and committed myself to Him, my life has been full.
It has been over ten years since that night when I sat contemplating death. I had no hope then. I do now, because I believe Jesus is returning soon, which means soon none of us will need to worry about life or death anymore! There is a song that expresses what this hope is and it goes like this: “We have this hope that burns within our hearts, Hope in the coming of the Lord, We have this faith that Christ alone imparts, Faith in the promise of His Word…..” Hope in the face of life, hope in the face of death. I have that now in Jesus. You can too.
Blessings John
8/16/17
Hope comes through Jesus
