Month: October 2017

“This is hopeless.” I said, after the doctor left the room. My diagnosis was grave and I really could only think that I would soon be dead. The first thing I did when I got home was go to the cabinet and grab the bottle of scotch whiskey that was there and pour me a drink. I gulped it down with little care for the burn, maybe even craving it. What did it matter now, the famous lines came to me, “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die…” “One drink deserves another..” Soon the bottle was empty, now what?

Over two years before I had been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate and was being treated for it. Still the issues I was having were not getting better. When I moved to Oregon from the Bay area of California I had gotten a new Urologist and it was he that I had just seen. His diagnosis was stage four Prostate Cancer. No cure offered and not much hope.

Soon I was talking to a Radiologist Oncologist to see if radiation treatments would be an option. His opinion was even bleaker than my Urologist. Basically, he told me, “Why put yourself through all the treatments. They won’t cure you and could lessen your quality of life.” Of course, he left the decision up to me but did not recommend it. Again, I could feel the cold grip of impending death.

Over the next week’s I received a lot of sympathy and I most certainly felt sorry for myself. Here I was 52 years old and probably was never going to see 60. Why was this happening to me? I knew I had not lived a healthy lifestyle but I was no worse or better than most the guys I knew. None of them has just been told that they should get measured for a coffin. It was not fair. Maybe the best thing to do was just end it all right now. I was a sorry guy without an ounce of hope.

Benjamin Franklin said, “…nothing can be said to be certain, except for taxes and death.” And in truth probably nothing leaves us feeling more hopeless than either one of those.

Up until the time I was diagnosed with cancer, I lived life  with little concern about death. I had seen it in other’s lives but it was not a factor in mine, so why should I care. The problem was, once I was given a death sentence I really had nowhere to turn except to sink even deeper into my addictions.

There was one night I remember while drinking to excess that I had thoughts about God. I had most of my life refused to believe in His existence yet in my drunken state that night I was looking for some kind of hope. But the God I knew back in Catholic school seemed vengeful and at that moment, in my mind, I was living proof of that. “Why me, if You do exist, answer me that…” I slurred out in hopeless rage. Nothing, I didn’t hear an answer. But that did not surprise me. “There is no God!” I said bitterly. Eleven years later, I am here to say I was wrong. Not only does God exist, but if you are touched by His grace every day is a day of hope.

Some who have followed this blog know my story. From addicted to redeemed. But I was not a believer when I needed to make my life and death decisions about my cancer and its treatment. I know for sure those decisions would have been easier if I had known the hope I now have in Jesus Christ. For three years or more after my first diagnosis I walked in fear of death almost daily. I kept those fears at bay by self-medicating with alcohol most the time. It always led to even deeper fear and hopelessness. It was a painful time.

In 2010 a friend of mine was working with me as I was beginning to open God’s Word. She told me that her hope came from claiming God’s promises. At the time I told her, “That was very nice, but I am still not sure I believe in God.” Her answer was one of the things that changed my life. She said, “That is the perfect time to claim promises. Claim them even if you don’t believe just yet. God wants to show you His promises are true.” I shook my head and said to myself, “Yeah, right!” But you know what, she had given me a promise to claim and a day later I found myself reading it. “But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:21-23) and without real knowledge of how to do it or pray it or whatever, I simply said, “I want to believe this, help me.” Then I remembered a line from Mark’s gospel I had just read and mumbled it, “I do believe, help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24b) With the Bible still on my lap I felt a peace I had never experienced. It was awesome.

I have claimed that promise many times since. Whenever my hope is waning, I recall that first time and smile. Because as a cancer survivor, I know in it I am safe. I believe God’s promises are true and that is how I survive with joy and hope no matter what the outcome.

I went through the radiation treatments, 48 of them to be exact. I have been blessed to have the great results from the hormone drug I have taken for 11 years. Recently there are some signs that my cancer may be making a comeback but unlike years ago, I have no fear and live in great hope. You see, I know now this world is not my home. I and you, if you so choose, have been given a promise by our Savior, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away,” (Revelation 21:4)

Why not join me today and claim the promise of Lamentations 3:21-23 in this prayer, “Lord my hope is in your steadfast and unending love. I need your mercy that is never ending. This morning I bow to your faithfulness, knowing that in you is all my hope.” If you are living in fear give it a try. Hope is yours to claim!

Blessings John
10/18/17

 

I was alone, that much I was sure of. As I lay in the darkness of the motel room that I rented by the week, I was not sure how I had gotten there. Looking at the red glow of the clock on the old nightstand I could see it was nearly 4:30, I assumed in the morning because of the darkness that surrounded me.

My mouth was dry, my tongue was swollen and it seemed like someone had thrown sand in my eyes. Feeling around for the old lamp also on the nightstand, I pulled its chain and the small bulb threw a yellow light into the room. I saw my car keys on the floor next to the bed, I also saw that I was fully dressed. “What day is it?” I mumbled. Sitting up I tried to think but there seemed to be just a hum and a haze where my brain used to be.

Lowering my head into my hands, finally some memories started to creep in. I was pretty sure I had gone to the bar. I was pretty sure that last time I remembered anything it was a Saturday night and I was not at all sure what else had happened. Getting out of bed I went to the window, pulling the flowered drapes aside enough to peak out I saw my car parked where it normally was. “Man, what did I drink?” or better question, “How much did I drink?”

I sat back down on the bed listening to the old springs creak, for some reason I began to cry. As the tears came, slowly shaking my head, thoughts of who I had become began to fill and haunt me. As the fog cleared, I could see it had been another Saturday night filled with enough alcohol to float a battleship. There had been lines of speed snorted down after being laid out on top of a toilet tank, in a dank bar bathroom. There had been violent words as the bartender ‘86’d’ me. And there had been me driving, so drunk and high that I had no idea why I was not dead or in jail. My shoulders slumped and I felt back on the bed. “This is my life and I hate it!” I cried out. There was no one to call, no one who cared. I was alone. The tears continued until I fell into a tormented sleep.

Have you ever felt so alone that you think there is no one else in the world? I don’t care how you got there. Maybe, like me, it was addictions. Or maybe you have suffered the loss of a loved one. Or maybe through illness or old age you find yourself isolated. So many other reasons. I have been there and know that it is one of the scariest feeling I have ever known.

My problem was that I could feel like that in the middle of a crowd. You ever experience that? Here I would be at some party, everyone is mingling and seeming like they are having a blast. But I would end up in a corner, drinking more and more trying to fill the void that was there and would not go away. Man, I tell you, it was the worst. But I lived like that even in my relationships and marriages. Something was missing. I always knew it. But I could never seem find out what it was. The reason for that was simple, I was looking for the answer in all the wrong places.

I know if you read this blog very often you might think I am redundant in referring to the power of the Bible. But, my friends, the truth is that it holds the answers to every problem we can experience. And so, it is true when you feel that you are alone, God’s Word holds the answer.

The thing is that from the day Adam and Eve fell to the temptation of Satan in the garden, God has made promises. But His promises are not like mine or maybe yours. God keeps every one of His. And the cool thing is that the Bible is filled with proof that He did and will always do just that.

Here is one I claim often, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10) I came to believe God will do just that. Even so there have been just as many times of ‘aloneness’ since I began my walk with Jesus. The death of a spouse. A move to a strange city. Separation from my kids and family. The difference now from my lost years is that I now believe. I have read God’s Word and have seen His promises fulfilled within the Word.

But if I am being perfectly honest, that would have been good but not good enough. What really did it for me was I saw when I prayed claiming this promise God did just as He said He would. After my wife died, He sent one of His ministers to lead me into a prayer ministry, it was just what I needed at that moment. I was strengthened. I was upheld. When I moved to Georgia, yes it was strange. But I moved here to share a my life with a loving woman who understood how such a move away from family and friends can be isolating. I felt His righteous right hand, through my new bride. I felt safe and began to enjoy my new surroundings and challenges. So many other times I have tried this promise and He has answered me.

That is so different from a Sunday morning so long ago. I woke up later that morning feeling completely empty. By noon I was back at bar trying to fill the void with something I knew, even then, would empty me further. But I did not know the saving power of Jesus and His Word back then. Now I fill my life with it and trust in He who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Today if you are alone and feel the need to know there is hope, please pray the words of Isaiah 41:10, “Lord, I am afraid please do not leave me here alone. I am sad be my God of joy. Life’s challenges have weakened me, be my strength. Hold me up with your righteous right hand.” Try it today, my friends. He is waiting to do all of this and more in your life! Claim His promise right now.

Blessings John
10/16/17

 

“Sobriety ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” I thought as I sat in my room on a Friday night. I had been sober now for over three weeks and it was really getting on my nerves. I knew I should find a AA meeting but it just didn’t seem like the thing to do tonight. “I should be out partying.” It was all I could think about.

I knew that the bar I hung out at, only about four blocks from here, would be jumping by now. I wondered if my dealer would be there. Just a quarter gram of ‘crank’ would get me right. Yeah, a few lines and a couple whiskey and cokes, I could be back here before midnight, no muss, no fuss.
As I sat there I could feel the burn of the drugs and the cool taste of my drink. “I just ain’t fair! Why should I have to be cooped up in here, when all the whole world is out having a good time. I can start sobriety again tomorrow.” I mumbled these words pacing the room.

As I sat at on the edge of the bed, I knew my self-control was about to crack. Grabbing my coat, I headed toward downtown Salt Lake City with every intention of going to the church on State Street where the AA meeting was being held. “I will get there and these urges will go away. Maybe I should call my sponsor. No, I will just head to the meeting, that will be enough, he is probably there.” I began to walk at a quicker pace, sweat now forming on my brow and between my shoulder blades.

As I entered the basement door of the church, I could smell coffee and cigarette smoke, it didn’t comfort me. I wanted a drink! With all the control I had left I took a seat in the back row. Testimonies had already started and a grey-haired man was droning on about his life before he connected with his ‘higher power’ which changed his life. “Spare me!” I thought. “This higher power stuff is the whole problem with AA. Higher power, what higher power?” I shook my head and snickered at the gullibility of some people. Scanning the crowd for Bill, my sponsor. I could see he was not around.

Within a few minutes, I knew there was no hope I needed to find my dealer. I needed a drink. With all my self-control and determination shattered, I rushed out the door and headed for the bar.

If you have been reading my blog for the last couple of weeks you have seen that I have been writing about ‘Fruit of the Spirit’ as defined in the book of Galatians 5:22-23. Each day sharing how a particular ‘fruit’ has helped in my journey from addict to clean and sober follower of Jesus Christ. Today, I have come to the final fruit, self-control, some call it temperance. Either way, it was in my lost years something that was beyond my understanding. As many times as, I struggled to control my addictions that many times I failed. It didn’t matter, be it a twelve-step program or individual counseling. Nothing could curb my urges or my drives for the substances that controlled me. There was no hope. I was controlled and was out of control.

The thing is we have a God of infinite mercy and love. Don’t skip over this, let me say it again, “We have a God of infinite mercy and love!” In fact, He is more than that, “…God is love.” (1 John 4:8) And it is because of this that I went from a man out of control to a man of self-control in less than two years. God’s love as shown in the cross of Jesus Christ did that. Simple right…. Wrong!

Addictions and being in the grip of them do not go away easily for some of us. Yes, I have heard the miracle stories of those who prayed for release and bam, it happened in a day or a week. But that is not my story. It was a step by step process. I felt sometimes I was in the battle of for my very life and of course, I was.

But the God who is love, gave us the book which can mend every broken life, can heal every wound, and can provide control over the uncontrollable, it is called the Bible. It is there I found the words of power I did not have. Promises that over time I found could be trusted. The cool thing is that I did not come to this book believing it could do anything. But slowly it did, without my knowing it I came to see in my life that “…the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joint and marrow; it can judge the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrew 4:12) When you let it in, you open the door to the Holy Spirit.

I know that many of you, like me not that long ago, are struggling to believe in anything. Struggling for control in your life. Try opening the Bible, look for the Book of Hebrews, find Chapter 4 and verses 14 through 15 you will read this: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

You and I are offered hope to control what controls us in these words. If you are willing, Jesus is able. But if you find you aren’t ready to do this, why not visit my friend Cheri Peter’s website, www.truestep.org Check out the healing messages and videos available there. Whatever you do today, don’t live in hopelessness, reach out help is there even if you can’t believe it right now. Trust that this out of control man found the strength he did not have, it is called Grace and we all need it.

I certainly didn’t find it that night years ago. I found my dealer at the bar. I was not sober again for many years. But God is good and I write this it has been seven years since I had a drink and nine years without drugs controlling me. It just took that one step, inputting the Word of God in my life. I now live within the Fruit of the Spirit. “Can I hear an Amen.” AMEN.

Blessings John
10/13/17

The bridge deck was long. It was now 11:30 and my crew had been working since dawn. As more rebar was being hoisted and the layout gang was spreading it out in front of us. My guys were on ‘tie up’ duty. Every intersection needed to be tied. Eight guys spread across the deck moving forward bent over and tying as fast as they could. I knew my job and it was to keep them bent over without a lot of straightening and standing around. As lunch was approaching this was getting tougher.

The whole crew had been in the bar the night before and now sweating out the booze we had drank was slowing the work down. One of my guys was falling behind and I went over where he was standing. I said, “What’s up Tommy? You are falling behind!” There was no softness of sympathy in my voice as I continued, “You know the routine, brother. Either keep up or get out.” Tommy looked at me with bloodshot eyes and spoke in a raspy voice, “Listen, boss, I am really hurting today. You know how it is. How about just a little slack until lunch and I will pick it back up once I can feed the fire.” I knew he was referring to sucking down a line or two of speed but I had a job to do, “No man, there is no slack here. You were sucking down them rum and cokes last night, now suck it up and catch up!”

He looks at me with sorrowful eyes and said, “You are a hard man, John. I don’t think I have ever seen a bit of compassion in you. I chuckled at this and said, “Listen, brother, don’t get paid to show you or anyone compassion. My job is to get as much of this deck done today as fast as we can. You want sympathy and compassion find yourself a minister or a soft-hearted woman. I ain’t either one so get down to it.” Tommy moaned as he bent over again and started moving forward. He was now on my short list for getting sent down the road. I had no place in my life to be anyone’s kinder and gentler guy.

Drugs and alcohol are a tough taskmaster! Under their influence I couldn’t find a sympathetic bone is my body. Everyone was suspect to me and including family and friends. During those years I thought of God, if he did exist, as a tough guy, just like me. I saw the world around me and all the stuff going on and like so many I said, “If there is a God who is gentle and lowly in heart, I sure couldn’t find Him in the world I was living in!” The problem was that my addictions had hardened my heart so much that His love couldn’t find a way in.

I guess then the question is, “How did I get here?” How did I come to believe that not only was our God loving and gentle but was that way with me, even when I was still wallowing in my own sins? It was not easy but He had a way.

When I took the challenge to read the Bible, I was sure that nothing could touch me. But as I read and listened the power of His Word was amazing. At first I did not see it. I was still drinking and living pretty much as I had before but others started to notice a change in my language. Even the tone of my voice seemed gentler. I didn’t understand, “What was happening?” After about a year I started to get it, the more I input the Word of God the more I was being transformed!
Within two years my even my addictions didn’t have power over me anymore. I walked away from alcohol and drugs. Soon the promises of God not only became real but were now my reality! And as I saw the Savior’s gentleness in my life I became gentler with those around me.

Jesus said this, “Take my yoke on you, and learn of me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) Just words to me only a few years before took on such meaning. I understood that if my burden was too much, Jesus was willing to come along side of me and actually ‘yoke’ Himself to me. If I was willing to repent and admit that I could not do it alone, the cross I was bearing would become lighter. The more I learned about Jesus, His gentleness became mine. So much so this hard-hearted man in 2012 sought to follow the words of Peter in the Book of Acts, “Repent and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38) I was baptized with water and the Holy Spirit opened me to His fruits, I began actually to live that kinder and gentler life. If old Tommy could only see me today. I pray he might read this!

I no longer work in the construction trade. My life is sharing what God has done for me. I still look at the world and do not see His Gentle Spirit living among us way too often. And often still struggle to find that gentleness and humility in myself. But I know it is a prayer away. I know that when I feel my heart harden, I can turn to see my Savior on the cross. Through the pain and burden of my sins He looks at me and says, “Father forgive him he knows not what he is doing.” It melts my heart. It is then I can say with the old hymn, “Loving Jesus, gentle Lamb, in Thy gracious hands I am; Make me, Savior, what Thou art, Live Thyself within my heart. From hard core to heart felt, who’d a thunk it?

Blessings John
10/11/17

“Why are we together?” Dianne said with tears welling. “You are never home and when you are. You are either drinking or sleeping. What kind of relationship is that?” I continued mixing a whiskey and coke. I looked at her trying to find a way to defend myself but all I could do was shrug my shoulders, hoping she and this conversation would just go away. No such luck, as she sat at the kitchen table, she said, “At least some women’s guys cheat on them with other women but not you, you are think you are faithful because you don’t go ‘catting around’ but everything and everybody is more important to you than me and our relationship!” I stared down at my drink.

The conversation had come about because on my birthday, Dianne had planned a party that was supposed to begin at around six but my crew had taken me out for ‘one drink’ that had turned into a dozen. We ended up hitting every strip joint along Sepulveda Boulevard in the valley. I did not get home until almost ten. She had thrown her birthday present at me and stormed off to bed.

Now it was the next night and as I sat down across the table from her, I sighed knowing I had to say something, “Ok, yeah, I go out with my crew and have a few drinks after work and sometimes I lose track of time. But I am not unfaithful to you! I just have a lot of responsibilities and need a few drinks to let go of the stress and strain. I am sorry I missed the party but I didn’t mean to.” I took a long pull from the whiskey and coke, hoping that would end the conversation but again no luck. She wiped her eyes and said, “We are supposed to be married in three months, but I don’t know anymore. How can I ever trust you? You are faithful to your job and your company. Faithful to your crew. But what about me?” I lowered my head and felt sorry for myself, how could anyone say I was unfaithful. I worked hard and never cheated people. I was the most faithful guy I knew!

I truly believed that in my ‘lost years’, I was the most faithful guy. I was faithful in my relationships, I mean I never had affairs. If I did lust after other women, I never acted on it. Yet one after another of my relationships failed. I was faithful to my employers. I worked hard and believed I made money for every company I worked for. If I did cut an hour here and there, I deserved it. If used the company credit card for partying when I was out of town, it was only right. I never understood why I didn’t stay with one company for more than a couple of years. I certainly was faithful to my crew members and friends. As long as they followed my orders and didn’t ‘get under my skin’. They would have a job and my friendship. But it seemed that few of them lived up to my standards. I lost crew members often and had pitiful few friends. I couldn’t see it, but in those years, I was only faithful to my addictions, they left little room for anything else. Then a miracle occurred. I opened the Word of God and I found a faithfulness and truth that changed me forever.

Everywhere I looked in the Bible I kept coming across verses like these, “But you, O Lord, are merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 86:15) or “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.” (Deuteronomy 7:9) They sounded good but how did I know I could trust what is said?

Then I really got into listening and reading. I saw a pattern throughout the Old Testament. God was faithful and the people weren’t. But what did that mean to me today? It wasn’t until I connected with Jesus through the Word that I found an idea of faithfulness that was so radical, so over the top that I could not turn away and here it is, “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

When I got that. When I saw that all the times God made deals, covenants in the Old Testament. With Adam, with Abraham, Noah, Moses on and on, and the people kept turning away. When he spoke to them through the prophets, and they didn’t listen. He was still faithful. He had a plan. He would sacrifice His only Son. And did so, even while we were and are in our sin. When I fathomed that kind of faithfulness, that kind of love, it changed me forever.

And like all of God’s characteristics. These fruits of the Spirit He wants to share with us. But faithfulness is special. When we agreed to a faithful relationship with God He see us as His bride, look at this, “And I will betroth you to Me, in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.” (Hosea 2:20) Can you believe it? When we repent. We see God through the cross of Jesus Christ. We are allowed to know the Creator intimately. His faithfulness becomes ours. If that doesn’t change you, check and see if you have a pulse!

Dianne and I did get married. We spent years wallowing in our addictions. But in 2009 she heard the Holy Spirit calling. Returning to the faith of her youth, she led me kicking and screaming to a relationship with Jesus also. In 2014 she passed away. I am comforted to know she will be one of the dead in Christ that will arise and she will be with Him forever. I was blessed to be re-married last year. RuthAnn and my relationship is based on Christ’s faithfulness not ours. So I pray, is the rest of my life and my prayer for us all is, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who has promised is faithful.” (Hebrews 10:23) Thank you, Jesus.

Blessings John
10/9/17