Month: November 2017

I looked at my watch, 2:30. I was not sure it that was morning or afternoon. I could not tell how long this card game had gone on, but it seemed like days. Getting up from the table I told the dealer, “I will take a pass on the next couple of hands.”

I walked into the next room. There was a bar on one end with a tender sitting watching the TV that was fixed to the wall right above him. I made my way over and sat down. He didn’t seem to notice me at first, but then said, “What you going to have?” Speaking without taking his eyes from the screen. I rubbed my eyes and pointed at the bottle of Canadian whiskey on the second shelf, “Black Velvet and coke.” I replied. Reluctantly he looked away and came to mix. It was an open bar, no cost or at least you didn’t pay at the bar. It was all part of the membership of this card club.

As I sat drinking, the bartender returned to his TV show. I looked into my drink and reflected on my losses. So far, I was down nearly $600.00, an amount I certainly could not afford. I thought to myself, “Son, your debts are stacking up!” I was into the local bookie for over $500.00 and I had about the same amount that my dealer had fronted me. I knew there was about $400.00 in chips still on the table. I knew also that was all the ready money I had in the world.

Since the Nuke Plant had shut down and I had taken a job as a line chef my funds had dwindled. I had stopped paying the weekly support to my ex-wife and she was not happy. I was in debt up to my ears, yet here I was wasting the cash I had believing that some way or another my luck was going to change. Fat chance!

I took a long pull from my drink. I really wanted a line of speed, but my supply of that was low and unless I made a monster drug sale, there would be no more of it coming my way. Shaking my head, I knew there was such a sale waiting for me. I could clear all my debts and be back on top, but it meant selling to a guy even my dealer wouldn’t touch. I would have to sell to a ‘candy man’. This guy sold drugs to kids.

So far, I had stayed away from selling on the street. I had told myself that I would only deal to people who knew better but used anyway. But I wasn’t going to get the money I needed that way. This guy wanted two ‘keys’ and that would help make me right. But it would also make me dirty. I gulped my drink and headed back to the table. Maybe my luck would change.

There is a verse in the Bible that I think describes the human condition graphically and unfortunately accurately. It comes from the prophet Isaiah, “All of us have become unclean, and all our righteousness is like a filthy rag; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our iniquities sweep us away.” (Isaiah 64:6) Some versions called that rag a polluted garment or soiled undergarment. Any way you look at it our righteousness that comes from ourselves is, well… dung. As humans it seems we can never be clean let alone pure and righteous.

Yet Jesus said this, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” (Matthew 5:8) It would seem that He saw a way for us to attain a state of being where we would be pure, pure enough to not only see but be in the presence of a Holy God. How could that be?

I think to answer that we need to look closely at what Jesus is saying. First, let’s look at the deeper meaning of the words. The Greek word for ‘pure’ in the verse is, katharos. It does mean ‘clean, blameless and free from guilt’, as we would expect. But interestingly it specifically refers to that which is purified by fire or by pruning. Do those ring a bell? John the Baptist told people that Jesus would baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire in Matthew 3:11. Jesus called Himself the vine and his followers the branches which need to be pruned in John 15:1-17. Our purifying comes as we are ‘fired’ and ‘pruned’. Our old lives melts away as Jesus prunes away all the junk we carry. Only He can clean us, it is called sanctification.

Also, the Greek word for ‘heart’ used is kardeeah. It can mean the physical heart. But is it also referring to the spiritual center of life. That place where all our thoughts, desires, sense of purpose, understanding, and character reside. That place where all the junk is stored. It is here Jesus does His work in us. Cleaning house, removing the dung. But removal is not enough. Replacing all the old with His Word, it is essential. And if we are willing, we will begin to desire not the filth of this world but long for the purity that is our God. Only Jesus can do it!

Our prayer like David in Psalm 51 should be, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me.” (Psalm 51:10) God is the one who can make our heart pure and that happens when we recognize the sanctifying work of Jesus on the cross. “…by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5b) It is a day to day process, but it can start today, just ask. Jesus is waiting.

I didn’t have that belief as I returned to the card game. My life was in the tank and it was about to get worse. I lost big in the next couple of hours and without hope, I made a deal with the devil. Soon I would become a pipeline of drugs for kids. Every day I felt dirty and believed I could never be clean again. Through the grace of God, I was forgiven and by the cross of Jesus, even my junk, my dung, was swept away. No words can express what knowing Jesus love and desire for me to be pure did, all I can say is it changed me. And I pray that by reading this you will see you can never be too dirty for our God to clean, when you are washed in the blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ. A pure heart is waiting. Personally, made for you by our Savior. That is a deal I pray you will make!

Blessings John
11/6/17

It was up to me. I knew the guy did not have the money, so I should not make the deal, period. I knew the policy. No money no drugs. As we sat in my truck, I lit up a cigarette and looked at him. This guy looked desperate. I knew that hungry look in his eyes. I had been there. What now, should I have mercy on him?

I had been dealing now for over six months and I was becoming more cold blooded every day. It seemed like over half the people I dealt with were looking for handouts and a lot of them were my friends or at least they used to be. I could not carry every one of them. Bottom line was that I had to support my habit and friends or no friends, money needed to be up front.

Jet, my dealer, kept meticulous books. He fronted me just enough meth to make the deals. My cut always came in drugs. If I was short money he would get it out of me one way or the other. Mercy and kindness was not part of the drug business.

Now as I sat in the cab of my truck, I looked over at the guy and said, “Listen partner, you called me and guaranteed that you had the cash. Now here we sit. I got the goods, but you got an empty wallet. Cash, my friend, that is what we need to get this done. So, I think you need to find it or walk.” He looked over at me with bloodshot eyes and said, “Come on, John. You know I am good for it. How many times have we partied together. I am just a little short, help a brother out, will ya?”

I was getting angry and annoyed. “Help, a brother out!” I thought. “No one wants to help me.” The anger sucked out any thoughts of mercy I had. I reached under the seat and brought out the miniature ball bat I carried with me everywhere. Holding it in front of his eyes, I said, “Get out of my truck or come up with the cash, I don’t care but quit wasting my time!” He cringed back from the bat and fumbled for the door handle without looking. Once he was on the pavement, he shook his head and tears began to fall. Strung out and without the stuff he needed. His tough luck, I had me to look out for. Just another loser.

The one thing all addicts have in common is we look out for number one, ourselves. One of the things I found hard to trust when I started reading the Bible was that there could be any God who would love so much that He could forgive and be merciful to us no matter what we did. That just didn’t make sense to me. The things I had been taught about God as a kid didn’t seem to jibe with this. That God was hard core and mean. And now I was learning about this loving God and the extent of that love was more than my addict brain could comprehend.

It was not a short trip for me to trust and believe. I remember I found the Gospel of Matthew VCS tapes in a thrift store and brought them home. I had not read this gospel yet and thought, watching it would be cool. So, I did, and I got to this one part where Jesus is talking to Peter. Peter says, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times, but seventy time seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22) Then Jesus tells him the story of the about a servant that owed a king ten thousand talents. I didn’t know it back then but that is like 200,000 years’ worth of wages. And this king forgives the debt. Still this servant has a guy who owes him 100 denarii and he beat him and has him thrown in jail. The king finds out and makes the servant pay, with his life. Jesus ends this story by saying, “So will my heavenly Father do unto to you, if you do not forgive your brother every one of his debts from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

I remember how that struck me back then. Jesus was saying we have a God who will forgive us basically anything and all he asks in return is that we forgive others who sin against us and we do it from the heart. At the time I could not accept that type of love and mercy because I was still too self-dependent. But as my heart healed and my body withdrew from the influences of alcohol and drugs, I found that it was the life changing truth!

“Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5:7) I believe this today. I have been shown mercy for debts I could never repay. Sin upon sin. A Savior on the cross who begged mercy for me, “Father, forgive them they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:24) But am I keeping up my side of the bargain. Can I forgive when someone cuts in front of me on the highway? Can I show mercy to the guy who holds different views than mine, looks different than I do? No way! At least not on my own. But I can claim the mercy that comes from and through His grace, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16) It’s no longer about me, it’s all about Him. Unbelievable, huh? But oh, so true!

Addictions can hold you from accepting the mercy God wants to give you. Maybe today you are struggling with something and do not believe there is hope for you. My friend, God has ten thousand talents of forgiveness he wants to give you. The thing is He is so rich with mercy that we will be feeling the blessing of it throughout eternity. I had no mercy in my life as a drug dealing addict, but the cross of Jesus Christ has changed all that. Are you ready for a change?

Blessings John
11/3/17

I looked at the mirror lying on the coffee table, there was nothing but speed dust left. Feeling around my pockets I couldn’t find the ‘sno-seal’ packet that the 8-ball of meth had been in. “Was it already gone?” I wondered. “That can’t be!” I mumbled to myself.

Looking around the living room there were still six or seven people still up. Most looked like I felt. Blood-shot eyes, that just could not seem to close. A constant rubbing of the nose. Tweaking and twisting. Every one of them high on my drugs.

I reached for the almost empty half gallon bottle of Black Velvet whiskey. Holding it up I thought, “You didn’t drink all this, did you?” I shrugged and took a long pull. I began to rummage around again, there just had to be more speed somewhere! Nothing! Going to the window I could see it was light, daytime. Looking at my watch, 8:20 AM. Sunday morning. If that was true, I had been partying for over 24 hours.

I had gotten up somewhere around seven Saturday morning. Still groggy from the drinks I had sucked down after swing shift Friday night. Right now, I had a raging thirst. Looking in the fridge, I found three bottles of Michelob and began to drink them in succession. Now I wanted some breakfast. But instead, I found myself calling my dealer. Soon I had an 8 ball and was ready to party.

He and I had met behind my favorite bar, made the deal, and went in as soon as it opened. From there it had been lines and whiskey. Somewhere along the line the party shifted to the house I shared with my friend Lani. Now I sat here, out of drugs and almost out of booze. I needed more.

For a moment I felt some remorse. Looking around at the people and my life I thought there must be more than this. But as always, the thought was fleeting. I had a thirst I needed to fill, and it was no time for a pity party. It was time to get right. That meant getting my high in the right place. I reached for the phone and called my dealer.

In my addicted life, I struggled with the concept of righteousness. Right for me, many times, meant keeping an edge. There was this thin line I would walk. Just enough drugs to keep me even with the extreme amount of alcohol I would be drinking. I called that being ‘right’. I was always seeking to be right with the world. It wasn’t until years later that I would see that there is no such thing. And there is no such thing because the world itself is not right nor is it righteous. That can only be found in one person, the righteous one, Jesus Christ.

That same Jesus said these words, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.” (Matthew 5:6) Man, I have struggled with this verse! I mean, how can we hunger and thirst for something so far beyond our condition? How will that ever work out that we will be satisfied? As I began to see myself as I really was, all I could see was the impossibility of it. That is until I began to understand who Jesus is.

Listen to this verse, “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God through Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:21) This is one of the most mind-blowing verses in the Bible. Think for a minute what it says. Jesus BECAME sin on our behalf so that we could BECOME righteous through Him. If you can look at this and it does not affect you, check yourself for a heartbeat.

But maybe you are saying, “Nice words, but what does it mean?” Well it starts, as most things do, with faith. My first steps were to believe exactly what that verse says, Jesus took all my sin, my dirt and took it to the cross, dying under the weight of it. Once I could believe this, I could confess and feel His forgiveness. I gained a new heart, one that identified with his righteousness and want to live as He did. It is a miracle, for sure. But one He offers to all who believe. These words of Paul say it well, “For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith, as it is written, “But the righteous man shall live by faith.” (Romans 1:17)

When I believed, a strange thing happened. I found I no longer thirsted or hungered after my addictions. No, I cannot say they were zapped away. But that deep need for them was slowly replaced by the thirst for something so much more fulfilling, the living water. As I filled myself daily with God’s Word, I now longed to not just be satisfied myself but to share it with others.

Not so years ago. On that Sunday morning, I got caught up in a spiral of drugs and alcohol that eventually led to my entrapment in drug dealing. My hunger and thirst for substances found no relief. What once was a casual habit becoming a life style. And there is no end to the misery and pain it caused those I came in contact with and even myself. I type now with tears in my eyes. Some out of regret for the destruction from those years. But mainly, I cry for joy this morning and here is why. This sinner. This addict, dealer of pain and sorrow, has been given a free gift. It is called grace and through it and by faith, I am allowed to share in Christ’s righteousness. And the awesome thing is that I find myself hungering for more and today, I pray to share it with you. To tell you the miracle is available. If you can believe in Him who already died for you. He will make you right and righteous, all at once.

Blessings John
11/1/17