Month: March 2018

This morning I was thinking about a day, years ago, when I had a decision to make. It was in the spring of 1987, I was living in Provo, Utah. My second wife and I had just separated. The company I was working for had opened a branch in Los Angeles, California and had asked if I would be willing to go there to run work for them. This would be part of my decision and my dilemma.

My marriage had been a stormy one. Alcohol and drugs controlled our relationship. Both of us had jobs we were good at and it took all the strength we had to keep those careers going. When we were not working we spent most of our time drinking and partying. Anger and sometimes even rage seemed to be the way we would communicate while under the influence, then we would be hurt and disillusioned once we sobered up. There was no peace.

Along with our terrible relationship, she had a teenage son who was hurt and damaged by living in an environment where he felt he was in a war zone. Often, he would run, and we would spend days trying to find him. It got so bad the court finally ordered him to be placed in a youth camp, I think for his own protection. My heart breaks now thinking about him and I often wonder how he came out of it all. But at the time I just wanted out, but I felt guilty about it. Again, part of my decision and my dilemma.

The decision came down to, as it had so many times in my substance-controlled life, should I run and just leave all this pain behind or should I stay and even if our marriage was broken work to fix the damage I could. I had been in this same place before with my first wife and my son. I had run, hard and fast. And the guilt of that was still consuming me.

Now as I sat in the company office in Salt Lake City, I had the decision to make. I remember sitting there and saying, “The hell with it! Yeah, I want the job in LA, when do I leave?” I don’t remember what my boss said but within a week my partner and I were in Glendale, California living at a Holiday Inn, I had run again. And I buried this guilt along with all the others under gallons of booze and mountains of speed.

Guilt is a funny thing. It kind of waits for you. It did that back in the day. When I would sober up there it would be, and I would hide from it again in a whiskey bottle or in a line of crank. I had no way of dealing with it or the pain it caused me. But even more the realization of the pain it caused those I had abandoned or hurt. And it was still there when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I still wanted to hide from it.

And I tried. But that was changed, as so many things are by God’s Word. As I began to read or at first, listen to the Bible, it was the story of King David that changed my view of guilt and what I needed to do. I mean, here was this guy chosen by God to be a king, but he was as flawed as a man could be. Guilty of seduction and murder, he tried to bury it, hide it, cover it up. But in the end, I saw the difference between him and me was that when his guilt and sin was exposed to him he confessed and surrendered to God’s will. Read what he wrote in Psalm 51: “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only I have sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. (Psalm 51: 3-4) I still refused to do this but in David’s beautiful Psalm I found the words and the strength.

I was able to open my heart to the Lord as I repeated these words: “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. (Psalm 51:7) For the first time in my life I did not turn away from my guilt. I could see it in all it’s ugliness but also for the first time I knew I was not alone. I had believed in Jesus’ saving power but now it became a reality. I could be and was forgiven: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. (Psalm 51:10-12) I believed God did this for David, He would do it in me.

Yes, this morning I was reminded of my guilty past. I have not forgotten it. No, far from it. I have turned it over to the Lord, confessed and accepted His grace through the cross of Jesus. But today and every day I seek to make recompense. I have tried to reach out to those I have hurt, and I seek to share the mercy and blessing I have been given. It is a long way from that day back in 1987, but none of that is my doing. “For it is by grace you (I) are saved through faith, and this is not your (my) own doing; it is a gift from God. (Ephesians 2:8). I pray you may experience this today also.

Blessings John
3/5/18

I am such a cynic and God is so gracious. This was proven to me again a few days ago. I had one of those miracles happen that when I was still a hater of God I would have said, “It’s a coincidence, why are you making such a big deal out of it? Like God cares about little stuff like this!” I think I have said those exact words to someone when they have described one of what I now call ‘mini miracles’. My problem is now I am a believer but just not enough. Here is what happened.

Tuesday afternoon, RuthAnn and I were running all over town. She had a doctor’s appointment and after that we stopped in at three different stores and filled her car up with gas. Almost every time I paid for our transaction with my debit card, no big deal, right? When we got home it was late, we normally like to eat around five and it was already after six. Lots of bags to bring in, a jumble of confusion. Same time getting supper going. But eventually we sat down, ate, and enjoyed our evening together. Then comes Wednesday.

First up was, as usual, to write this blog. And as usual that took me about four hours. So around eleven I was done and readying myself to head out to the store for some parts I needed to repair one of the basketball standards at the school gym. All cleaned up, dressed and…. “where is my wallet?” Everyone has been there, right? First, I looked in all the regular places, then I went to the places where it might have fallen into. Now desperation starts setting in. I pull up cushions, search under couches, even check out the garbage can…. Nothing. I am totally panicked and as a second thought I throw out a desperate prayer. You know the kind, basically, “Help, me!” But even as I am doing this I am not listening or really believing, I am still trusting me.

In my desperation, I call RuthAnn to check her car that we had driven all over town the night before, again nothing. I try to relive every step, “Did I or RuthAnn pay for groceries at Kroger?”, our last stop. I knew I did, so I head out. Yeah, I drove without my license. But it was to no avail, my wallet had not been turned in. Returning to my car. With nowhere else to turn, I prayed as I should have the moment I discovered my wallet missing. Stopping, humbled finally, I said, “Please either show me where I have misplaced it or let me know it is gone for good.” Then I gave our gracious God time to answer. Almost instantly He did.

As I started the car and began to drive home. It became absolutely clear where my wallet was. I won’t go into the details here, but let’s just say I took my pants off in a place where I normally do not, the wallet must have fallen out of my pocket. I could see it laying on the black rug which I had walked past several times while searching. When I got home there it was. A mini miracle and an answer to prayer.

Yeah, I know the cynics and skeptics out there are all shaking their heads right now. I have been there and done that, unfortunately even after I became a believer. I would hear a story of missing keys or something and doubt. Forgive me, Lord. Because the truth is two things happened. One, RuthAnn and her class were praying and finally so did I. Two, I was shown where my wallet was. Oh, and one more thing happened, my faith was increased.

The thing is our God cares about everything. Jesus promised us this, “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten by God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:6-7) Yet in my day to day walk, I leave Him out of most every decision I make. If I do pray it is a second or third thought or maybe it is just desperation. But the apostle Paul wasn’t kidding when he wrote: “Rejoice always pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ for you.” (1 Thessalians 5:16-18) If I could keep what Jesus has done for me in my mind always, I would rejoice and pray about everything and not forget to give thanks and be ready because lot of prayers are going to be answered!

I did give thanks when I found my wallet. I lived in the afterglow of that mini miracle. Little by little it wears off and the world sneaks back in. But I praise God still because it has changed me. It has broken down one more chink in the rusty old worldly armor in which Satan tries to keep me bound. I pray today you find some encouragement in my sharing. Pray without ceasing and seek God’s mini miracles. He is gracious and lavishes them even on us cynics! Thank you, Lord!

Blessings and Happy Sabbath, John
3/2/18