Month: March 2018

I was never good at following rules. In school I guess it was a combination of things. Attending Catholic schools, I felt a lot of the rules were unnecessary or overly strict. I could find no good reasons to do many of the things that were required.

This became especially apparent when I enrolled for high school in a seminary. Rules took on a new dimension because of the demerit system that was established and enforced. The list of wrong doing was enormous, at least as far as my thirteen-year-old mind was concerned. Breaking silence before chapel and breakfast, one demerit. Running in the quadrangle, one demerit. Bed not made with military efficiency, yep, one demerit. And so, it went on and on. My first quarter in attendance, I came within one demerit of suspension. Twenty four of twenty-five. Not an auspicious beginning.

Unfortunately, it was then that I made a decision that would affect the rest of my life. I could not survive for four more years if I was constantly on the verge of suspension. So instead of openly defying I would use other means to stretch or break rules without getting caught. In other words, I became very adapt at lying and throwing blame off myself without alienating my classmates or even the faculty. I found out at a young age, I was a good con man.

My plan worked so well that by the time I was at the end of my sophomore year, I was elected Vice President of the student body and the President my senior year. Taking little out of the moral lessons the rules of that school were set up to engrain in my character. I instead learned it was easy to be deceitful and still play the game. In years to come this ‘talent’ would lead me on many short-cuts that led to dead end after dead end. But by that time, I was sure it was everyone else not me. Rules and laws were meant for those who could not figure out how to undermine them. Smart guy, John. Rebel, John…. Loser, John.

Don’t get me wrong. I was also blessed with a good brain and knack for the work I eventually took on as a profession. I did ok as an Ironworker. In fact, my con man persona fit the profession well and I advanced faster than I probably should have. But as I did I gained a reputation along the way that I could be ruthless and never developed many lasting friendships.

It was in my personal life where this attitude really took its toll. I could bend or break rules and deceive without consequences. Under the influence of alcohol and drugs I became even more convinced I could lie and cheat my way out of anything. But in the world of drugs I found I was a small fish in a big pond of con men and ruthless folks with even less morals than me. The dead-end roads started to happen more often. Jail time, failed relationships, a child lost along the way. Smart guy, John, Rebel, John…. Loser, John.

It wasn’t until I picked up the Bible and truly saw that God’s rules, His laws had a purpose. Man, I wasn’t ready for that! After all, I had fought the system my whole life! How could I now even think about what Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) And as usual, at first, I thought I could be in a relationship with God and bend or break the rules. For sure all of them did not apply to me.

But the truth was I was caught for the first time. The more I delved into God’s Word the more I saw there were no short-cuts here. I kept reading things like “Never let yourself think that you are wiser than you are, simply obey the Lord and refuse to do wrong.” (Proverbs 3:7) or “But the law is ignored. And justice is never upheld. For the wicked surround the righteous. Therefore, justice comes out perverted. (Habakkuk 1:4) I saw myself in this verse. I had perverted God’s law for my purposes and others had suffered the consequences. I couldn’t hide anymore. If I wanted the transformation the Holy Spirit was offering my con man days were over. If I truly was to love the one who died for me, I needed to obey His commandments, 100%! Confess, repent and seek the Lord with all my heart.

Today I am on this path. There are those moments when I just want to cut a corner. I just want to rebel. The greatest con men of them all, Satan, keeps whispering, “It is only a little lie!” or “You can break that law, or at least bend it, everyone is doing it!” Yeah, he still knows what buttons to push. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, I have a choice. I can say the words of Jesus, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: “Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.” (Matthew 4:10) Today I can choose God’s laws, through Him who is the way, the truth and the life. No more con, my friends! No more short cuts!

Be Blessed and have a Happy Sabbath!

John
3/16/18

I remember when the first Star Wars movie came out, I stood in line for an hour or more at the theater. I was excited and did not really know what to expect. Friends who had seen the movie had talked about the special effects, action and all the amazing characters. Even though I had never stood in line to see a movie before I was there with thousands of others around the country waiting and anticipating.

A few years later I was in line again. This time to see the Empire Strikes Back and my very young son was with me. He was even worse at waiting in line then I was. Constantly asking when we were going to get to our seats, fidgeting and even crying. To tell you the truth, if I wasn’t such an adult I would have been doing the same thing. Waiting and anticipating is not something I was good at.

But the fact is that I have spent much of my life in anticipation. As a child waiting for school to begin as the summer faded away. At Christmas counting the days with excitement with results that never lived up to expectations. Later as an adult I wasted many hours sitting in cars waiting for my drug dealer to show or when dealing myself waiting on a buyer. Anticipating that next big job, sure I would score the big bucks. There I was always waiting and anticipating. Life seemed to be one long line at the movie and I was always at the end around the corner and eight blocks down. Fidgeting, crying and saying, “Are we there yet?”

I don’t think I am that much different than anyone when it comes right down to it. We live in a world of immediate gratification and faster is better. Waiting for anything is just not acceptable. My problem is that I thought once I accepted Jesus and the Holy Spirit began to transform me all my angst against waiting and all my anticipation would vanish. I would become this patient persevering guy that is at peace 24/7. Well, it didn’t quite happen that way. Or at least not in the way I had expected.

What I hadn’t expected was that anticipation is not a bad thing or is waiting inherently evil. It just depends where my focus is. In other words what I am anticipating. Let me see if I can explain it better.

Most of my life what I was anticipating was what I like to call a ‘give me’. Something that would bring me temporary pleasure. The remainder of my time would be fearing what I call ‘scary things’, test results, money woes and the list goes on and on. And, of course, just accepting Jesus as my Savior did not change any of these things. It was only when I was ready to recognize and surrender all things to Him that my focus on all of them changed. The ‘give me’ stuff no longer held the luster they once did and the ‘scary things’ were not as frightening. Through prayer I found waiting on His answers was a whole different process.

That took a long time. Because even though I started to pray early in my walk with the Lord. At first, I just transferred all my ‘give me’ and ‘scary things’ into prayers and expected a vending machine answer. Plop, out comes the result as I pressed the prayer button. But it did not work that way. What did happen was I started to see results I had never even imagined. Better things than I had anticipated. Then I saw I could trust the apostle Paul when he said, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. (Philippians 4:6-7) I saw I could wait and anticipate but now on ‘God time’, knowing He would answer.

I still do not like standing in lines. RuthAnn will tell you if we show up at a restaurant and there is a line, it is my inclination to find a less populated and popular place to eat. But I know my prayer life has changed, I guess you could say matured. Like the psalmist I believe I can, “Wait for the LORD, be strong and let your (my) heart take courage, wait on the LORD. (Psalm 27:14) I do trust His answer will be just right. I anticipate and wait but with hope and joy because I trust another promise, Jesus is coming soon! On that day all the waiting will be over and even if I am at the end of the line in the New Jerusalem, I won’t care one bit. In fact, that is one line I am looking forward to.

Blessings John
3/14/18

Words. Last Sabbath our pastor preached a sermon on words and how we use them. I cannot deny I know and love the power of words. But I do know also how they can be used as a weapon.

In my youth I started using swearing and trash talk to prove I was one of the boys. Later as a crew boss I used words to cut people down or build them up, it all depended what I wanted out of someone. I knew the power words could have and I was never afraid to use any from the nastiest swear words to high flalutin words not everyone understood to prove my smarts. But the common denominator was I used words as weapons.

The thing was I didn’t really see what I was doing, or did I recognize it as anything more than holding my own. And, of course, that fit in with the rest of my life as a substance abuser, me first was what it was all about. Then all of it changed.

As I started to listen to the Bible every day, my words changed. I didn’t notice it happening. But others did. I would be in a conversation with a contractor or one of the other project managers and they would ask, “What the (expletive) is wrong with you? Have you gone soft or something?” And my first reaction would be to get angry and want to swear a blue streak at them, but I would not. Still not convicted enough to speak the truth of my fledging faith. I would just say, “It’s the new me!” and leave it at that. But over time I found that it was not just the words that were changing but the attitude behind them.

It is funny how the Holy Spirit works. First, He took away the ‘weapon’ words then He took away the reasons I used them. That was and is a difficult process because I found all those words I used were tied to the same disorders that drove my addictions. Words were the outward sign of the inward turmoil that was my life adrift without a moral center. Without Jesus Christ. It was the Word of God that as it began to fill that void changed the words and the man too.

So, you would think it would all be good, right? Transformed guy. Potty-mouth and weapon words no longer part of my life. But wait just a minute. Satan does not let go so easily or completely. Even eight years down the road from my accepting Jesus, I have been in situations where every nasty swear word comes to mind or I would like to cut that guy to ribbons with a few choice words. After all he just stole that parking spot that was mine, all mine! What is this all about? I thought I was transformed, a new man. The truth is, I am. Let me explain.

The difference for me comes in the results. Yeah, Satan brought all those words back to me and the anger to go with it. But I thank God and the Holy Spirit because now normally as quick as it comes, it is gone. The man who would have jumped out of his car spoiling for a fight, spewing venom, has been transformed. Losing that parking spot, bad as it seems, in the scope of it all means nothing. I smile and wave. So, it is all in the results.

But is not speaking negative or vindictive words enough? Of course, the answer is no. One of the Proverbs says this, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” (Proverbs 16:24) The other thing I have found that as I speak graciously and positively, gracious and positive things happen all around me. I have become a joyous person who likes to spread that joy in words as well as actions.

I guess I could write about this all day and never say it better than our Lord does in the gospel of Matthew, “Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned. (Matthew 12:33-37)

It is scary to think I will be judged for every idle and ugly word I have ever spoken. All I can do today is thank God in Jesus Christ for His transforming power that changed my evil heart to good. May I this day and every day bear fruit that honors and glorifies Him. A blessed thought and even better words!

Blessings John
3/12/18

I love music. Sometimes I actually think in music. I will have an idea about something I am working on and music will be playing almost like a theme song or something. It can be a little weird, but I cannot remember a time when it wasn’t like that.

As a kid it was all about rock and roll. During my high school years at the seminary, my best friend Reggie and I would spend hours listening to the rock band Chicago. Not the Peter Cetera version full of love songs and top 40 hits. No this was the band driven by the amazing guitar work of Terry Kath and filled with powerful horns. I thrived on it and Reg tells me often that he credits becoming the ‘blow ‘em away’ guitar player he is from those sessions of listening to their early albums. Yeah, there were other bands I liked but nothing compared.

As I got older and involved in the drug scene, the music seemed to fit whatever drug was the party center. It was a wide range and sometimes it could get dark and scary. Bands like Black Sabbath started to fill my already mixed up brain with thoughts of the dark side of life. As I went more and more out of control the stuff I listened to did also.

The strange thing was when I sobered up long enough to feel something, I would find I wanted peaceful music around me. Crooners from the 1940’s singing Broadway classics or even the occasional symphony playing some classical piece. The famous phrase coined by William Congrave in The Mourning Bride, “Musick has the charms to soothe a savage beast. To soften rocks or bend a knotted oak.” was true in my life. Music had the power to destroy or to sooth and I was torn between the two.

So, when I came to the Lord, music was an issue. My head was and is filled with thousands of songs and as I said before I have a sound track running in my head 24/7. It can be very distracting. People have given me all kinds of advice like, “Fill your head with sacred music, it will rid you of the bad stuff that is in there!” I have tried that but to tell you the truth it did not work. RuthAnn and I go to a gym normally five days a week at between 3:30 and 4:00 AM. There is always loud rock and roll playing. I try to block it out by listening to a morning devotional, but it sneaks in sometimes and can literally take over my devotion. I struggle with music!

I know a lot of you out there might be saying, “So what’s wrong with that? Music, even rock and roll music isn’t all bad, there are some really positive stuff out there. Some of it is even Christian rock.” Well, I won’t disagree with that if it works for you. I am not here to condemn music of any kind. But in my case most music especially rock and roll are like a trigger. It brings stuff to mind that should not be there and leads me further away from God, not closer to Him and in there lies my problem.

I find that my daily walk with God is fragile and even if I cannot stop the music that plays in my head, I can stop how it affects me. Here is what I have been doing lately and it seems to be working for me. Instead of trying to block the song or tune or whatever when it starts playing, I try and relate it to a Bible verse or at least counter it with a verse. Here is an example. The other day I was mowing the lawn and without me knowing it I found the words from Steely Dan’s song “Kid Charlemagne” were running through my head. A tune about a drug dealer whose business is gone wrong and now is about to go on the run. It was a favorite during my drug dealing years. So, instead of trying to force it out of my brain or replace it with a sacred song, I tried to find a Bible verse to relate to it and the Holy Spirit brought this to me, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape, also, so you will be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) That led me to try to understand why that particular verse was given to me. I was led to some amazing thoughts and reassurances that Jesus has truly transformed me. Rock music has become a Bible study tool. Weird, huh?

On any given day and at any moment, Satan tries to remind me of my past and music is one of his favorite weapons. But God has a plan for me and you too. Part of that plan for me is not to run from my past but to embrace it. No not wallow in it but grow closer to Him out of it. I no longer fear or worry about the music in my head because I believe, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28) Now that rocks!

Blessings and Happy Sabbath, John
3/9/18

Bearing grudges. It was a way of life for me. If you did something to hurt me or someone I liked, it was pay back time. And the thing was it could go on for years. I was a most impatient person, except when it came to pay someone back. Then I could have the patience of Job and not in a good way.

Here is what I mean. There was this guy back in the day who was more or less my rival. Both of us came from the Chicago area and early in our careers would end up on the same projects. Then the rivalry would heat up. He would get the job as a rigger that I was hoping for or I would be picked to be a ‘pusher’ (the guy who keeps a crew moving), either way one of us would be jealous and scheming how to undercut the other. This went on for a few years and it turned into an all-out feud and grudge match over one incident.

Both of us were called out of the union hall to work on a steel plant ‘shut down’ in Gary, Indiana. Shut down work was highly sought after. Lots of overtime and accept for the work being dirty it was simple stuff. A lot of welding and easy structural work. I knew the boss, we had worked together before and he gave me one of the best assignments, erecting and welding on a new mini crane platform. I was stoked. It was at least a month’s worth of work and overtime galore, with a bonus that I might be asked to help install the new crane. What could be better!

My rival ended up working with the millwrights refurbishing a blasting furnace complex. A dirty job. I could tell he was not a happy camper. Everything went well for a week, then the boss was replaced and the next thing I knew, he switched us around. I ended up in the dirt and my rival took my ‘plum’ job. On top of that he was telling guys at the bar I was replaced because of incompetence. The problem was there wasn’t a thing I could do about it or it would look like I was just making excuses.

I stuck it out until my part of the project was done and not long after that I decided to work closer to home which was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It would be many years before we would meet again, but I never forgot, and I had no forgiveness in my heart.

That meeting took place while I was a field superintendent for a company in Utah, one day he showed up on one of my projects. The thing was, he was a different guy. Life had not been kind to him and somewhere along the way he had accepted Jesus as his Savior. And when we met his first words were asking for forgiveness, but I wasn’t having any of it. You see, I had changed too. The years had not been that kind to me either, but I had responded in a totally different way. I had turned increasingly to my addictions, which had left me cold and callous. And now after all these years I was going to settle this grudge.

Over the next three months I did just that. I gave him every dirty job and ridiculed him in any way I could, but he persisted, was kind and strangely peaceful. This only angered me more and I fired him without cause. I was self-satisfied, and we went our own ways.

There was so much I did not understand or see clearly back then; substance abuse will do that. But it was more than that, until I was able to realize what Jesus did for all of us, feel His forgiveness, I was never able to forgive.

I remember the first time I prayed the “Our Father”. I mean really pray it. When I came to the line “…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…” It hit me that God cannot forgive me unless I was willing to forgive those who had done anything real or imagined. I thought of so many different people I had sought revenge upon and then my rival came to mind. I remembered his kindness and his peace. But now all I wanted to do was tell him how right he was. Seek his forgiveness.

I did do a Google search but never found him. So today I am reaching out to him and all the others on whom the wrath of John was brought. Let them know that I have started to travel a better road. I think a book I am now reading by Donald Macleod, ‘Christ Crucified, Understanding the Atonement’, says it better than I can, “Where are we to begin the road to recovery? By realizing that whatever wrong committed against us by fellow believers (I want to add ‘and non-believers’), all has been dealt with at the cross. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not then matters of mere indulgent forbearance. They are a matter of theological rigour. God is at peace with ‘them’ through the blood of the cross. They are my Father’s friends. They must be my friends.” (page 544). I understand the kindness and peace now, because really forgiveness is not mine to give. It like everything else is a gift from the Father, through Jesus Christ and He crucified. I seek it for all of us today and I thank you Jesus!

Blessings John
3/7/18