Bearing grudges. It was a way of life for me. If you did something to hurt me or someone I liked, it was pay back time. And the thing was it could go on for years. I was a most impatient person, except when it came to pay someone back. Then I could have the patience of Job and not in a good way.
Here is what I mean. There was this guy back in the day who was more or less my rival. Both of us came from the Chicago area and early in our careers would end up on the same projects. Then the rivalry would heat up. He would get the job as a rigger that I was hoping for or I would be picked to be a ‘pusher’ (the guy who keeps a crew moving), either way one of us would be jealous and scheming how to undercut the other. This went on for a few years and it turned into an all-out feud and grudge match over one incident.
Both of us were called out of the union hall to work on a steel plant ‘shut down’ in Gary, Indiana. Shut down work was highly sought after. Lots of overtime and accept for the work being dirty it was simple stuff. A lot of welding and easy structural work. I knew the boss, we had worked together before and he gave me one of the best assignments, erecting and welding on a new mini crane platform. I was stoked. It was at least a month’s worth of work and overtime galore, with a bonus that I might be asked to help install the new crane. What could be better!
My rival ended up working with the millwrights refurbishing a blasting furnace complex. A dirty job. I could tell he was not a happy camper. Everything went well for a week, then the boss was replaced and the next thing I knew, he switched us around. I ended up in the dirt and my rival took my ‘plum’ job. On top of that he was telling guys at the bar I was replaced because of incompetence. The problem was there wasn’t a thing I could do about it or it would look like I was just making excuses.
I stuck it out until my part of the project was done and not long after that I decided to work closer to home which was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It would be many years before we would meet again, but I never forgot, and I had no forgiveness in my heart.
That meeting took place while I was a field superintendent for a company in Utah, one day he showed up on one of my projects. The thing was, he was a different guy. Life had not been kind to him and somewhere along the way he had accepted Jesus as his Savior. And when we met his first words were asking for forgiveness, but I wasn’t having any of it. You see, I had changed too. The years had not been that kind to me either, but I had responded in a totally different way. I had turned increasingly to my addictions, which had left me cold and callous. And now after all these years I was going to settle this grudge.
Over the next three months I did just that. I gave him every dirty job and ridiculed him in any way I could, but he persisted, was kind and strangely peaceful. This only angered me more and I fired him without cause. I was self-satisfied, and we went our own ways.
There was so much I did not understand or see clearly back then; substance abuse will do that. But it was more than that, until I was able to realize what Jesus did for all of us, feel His forgiveness, I was never able to forgive.
I remember the first time I prayed the “Our Father”. I mean really pray it. When I came to the line “…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…” It hit me that God cannot forgive me unless I was willing to forgive those who had done anything real or imagined. I thought of so many different people I had sought revenge upon and then my rival came to mind. I remembered his kindness and his peace. But now all I wanted to do was tell him how right he was. Seek his forgiveness.
I did do a Google search but never found him. So today I am reaching out to him and all the others on whom the wrath of John was brought. Let them know that I have started to travel a better road. I think a book I am now reading by Donald Macleod, ‘Christ Crucified, Understanding the Atonement’, says it better than I can, “Where are we to begin the road to recovery? By realizing that whatever wrong committed against us by fellow believers (I want to add ‘and non-believers’), all has been dealt with at the cross. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not then matters of mere indulgent forbearance. They are a matter of theological rigour. God is at peace with ‘them’ through the blood of the cross. They are my Father’s friends. They must be my friends.” (page 544). I understand the kindness and peace now, because really forgiveness is not mine to give. It like everything else is a gift from the Father, through Jesus Christ and He crucified. I seek it for all of us today and I thank you Jesus!
Blessings John
3/7/18
