“Which one is your father?” A classmate asked at one of our first open houses. It was the beginning of my freshmen year at St Vincent DePaul Seminary. I scanned the room spotting my father easily. He normally stood out no matter where he was. Around 6’-3 and at that time well over 250 lbs. I never had a problem finding him in a crowd. And as I pointed out to my friend, he let out a low whistle and said, “I bet you didn’t make him mad too often!” I shook my head in a non-committal way. The truth was I know I had done so way too often.
Being the youngest of four kids, my brothers and sister might have believed I was doted on more than the others. I cannot be sure about this because from my perspective when punishments were being dealt out I sure seemed to get my share but who can say. The one thing I know for sure was that I was considered a precocious child. Today I might have been judged to have one of these things like ADH or some other thing with three initials. Either way I did get into a lot of trouble as a boy and felt my parents, especially my father, did not understand me.
So, when I married, and my son was born I was determined to be a better parent than my dad was. But in the end, I failed miserably. As a lot of us do, once I became a parent, I saw the job was not as black and white as I thought it would be. On top of that I had married too young and did not know how to be either a husband or a father. And when the marriage tanked I saw my whole life as a failure. So many bad decisions were made, most of them under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Running from it all, I now had a terrible opinion of all fathers, as I saw more and more guys like me.
This failure as a parent had profound effects on me as I was coming to believe in Jesus Christ. There were all these images of a loving Father that permeate the Bible. I could not relate to this. I knew there were others like me who struggled, those who had abusive fathers and those who were raised without one. It was when I talked to a few from the latter group, I was hit with a double whammy, guilt and unbelief.
I had abandoned my son, so when I listened to victims of abandonment I would be consumed by guilt not knowing where to turn. And to compound it I could not see God as a Father. Fathers fail, how could I believe. I was ready to run again. But as so many times in my life God threw me a life preserver.
This time in came while I was watching a program called Celebrating Life in Recovery. I had been watching this show hosted by Cheri Peters for quite a while. Seeing it dealt with folks like myself, who were struggling with the residue of addictions and life problems that kept them from God, it always interested me. Most of the time I could relate. But as I started to watch this episode, I found myself indignant. The guest was a child molester! What testimony could he give that anyone needed to hear?
But as I watched the program, I started to see myself in this man. No, I had never molested or abused my son. But I had done as much harm to him. And as I saw that this guy could trust he was forgiven and believe in a God that loves him that much. I knew I needed to dig deeper myself and seek to know more about this God, this Father.
That man’s testimony stayed with me for a long time. In fact, I just recently saw it again, as I am now the team leader in our church’s Celebrating Life in Recovery’s 14-week program. Now as I watched it, I did not see a ‘child molester’ but a child of God who was forgiven, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) God is a faithful father, even if I am not and He has proved it through the cross of His own son, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) The love of the perfect Father!
On this earth fathers are flawed. I now see mine did all he was capable of. I failed as a father, as so many others have. But I no longer see God through the light of human failure. In fact, I see Him as the only hope for myself and I pray for my son. If you today struggle with a less than perfect father, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies, and the God of all comforts;” (2 Corinthians 1:3) He loves you and is waiting for you!
Blessings John
4/16/18
