I’d be lying if I say that at any point, my life was under control. In fact, it could be said that I led a life that was out of control, to say the least. So, when it comes to this last Fruit of the Spirit, Self-Control, the words of this blog must come from the Holy Spirit.
First, way back in the day, I actually attended college for a short time. One of my classes was Psychology 101. I don’t remember much about this class but there are a few things that have stayed with me, one is the study of Self-control. Why it stuck with me is that in this segment of study I found myself as the proverbial ‘guinea pig’ if not in the professor’s mind, at least my own. It was all about willpower and my struggle with this became the central point of my addicted life.
I had to look this up again but here is a synopsis of what I studied in that class, a theory of how we can ‘exercise’ self-control: “Quite a few studies in multiple labs have now shown that people can improve their self-control even as adults. As with a muscle, it gets stronger from regular exercise. So, engaging in some extra self-control activities for a couple weeks produces improvement in self-control, even on tasks that have no relation to the exercise activities. The exercises can be arbitrary, such as using your left hand instead of your right hand to open doors and brush your teeth. Or they can be meaningful, such as working to manage money better and save more. The important thing is to practice overriding habitual ways of doing things and exerting deliberate control over your actions. Over time, that practice improves self-control.” (The power of self-control by Roy F. Baumeister) Sound good to any of you? Well, I practiced this method of self-control for most of the forty odd years of my addictions. Trying repeatedly to ‘control’ my out of control life. Sorry it just didn’t work!
I am not here to disparage Dr. Baumeister or any psychologists who espouse such theories. I am sure many have had success with this type of exercise, but I am not one of them. Beginning with taking that class and later failing repeatedly with addictions, it led me to believe I was a failure, a man without any willpower. The very idea of this permeated my whole life. In my relationships I would try harder. I would struggle to be whatever that person wanted me to be. But when I failed at it, I would run not wanting to face another failure and I would drink.
At work I strived to be the best. Always compensating for my ‘weaknesses’ by working harder, burying myself in the work. And on days when I felt successful I could actually believe that I had overcome. I was in control. But then the next disaster would occur, and I would try to exercise self-control but overwhelmed I would be running for the safety of my addictions, loaded with guilt and most of the time alone, I was once again a failure.
I guess the bottom line for me was the world’s answer to my problems did not work and I blamed myself for that. So, when I began my walk with God, I did not trust or believe it would be any better or different. In some ways this was good because I came to the Lord with no expectations of miracles or even that I would ever live a life free from substances that controlled me. Imagine my surprise and joy when slowly but surely, I was transformed!
So how does this work? I am not sure I can give a complete answer to that but here is what I can relate. The Holy Spirit opens us to the most powerful gift of God, Jesus Christ as my Savior and the saving power of grace. If I could believe what Paul wrote in Titus I also could believe my life would change, “For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation to all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.” (Titus 2: 11-12) I saw in this verse the one thing no psychologist could offer, the saving grace in Jesus and it is he who does the training and he who will give me the strength to have a controlled life. And the thing is, I did believe. Self-control was no longer my burden when I surrendered to Jesus, it became ‘Savior Control’. Jesus working in me by the power of the Holy Spirit!
This last and most powerful Fruit of the Spirit was my answer. I unlearned what the world had taught me and trusted that He who died and would have died just for me could turn my failures into success. My guilt of living an addicted life into the joy of freedom from all of it. So, as I end this revisiting of these Fruit, I am refreshed. Reminded of what each one of them has changed in me and feel more than blessed. I pray as we have shared some of these thoughts that the Holy Spirit has moved you too.
Blessings John,
6/27/18
