When I awoke my mind was muddled. I thought, “Where am I?” As my eyes adjusted to the dank light I could see I was in some sort of a holding cell and it was crowded. I had been sleeping in an upright position leaning against a cold block wall. Next to me I saw that Glenn, Bobby and Gerry were also in the cell.
As I attempted to stand Glenn said, “It’s about time you woke up, I think we are going before the judge soon and I want to get our stories straight.” My mind had not cleared, and I could not comprehend what he was saying, my face must have portrayed this because he looked at me with stern eyes and continued, “Do you know where you are and why we are here?” Slowly pictures, more like snippets of motorcycle rides, streets filled with people and a fight that had broken out, but it was all just a jumble.
Gerry stirred and said, “I doubt if that boy remembers anything! I know he drank almost a quart of that moonshine at the ball field!” At the mention of moonshine memories began to flood back. Yeah, we had been at the company baseball game. The Chilmon Ironworkers were playing the Bayless Carpenter team. The game had begun right after work at the field across from the nuke plant. Gerry and I had bought three quarts of ‘white lightening’ from that dude who sells it before almost every game. It was hot and cold beer and chuggs of moonshine had been my dinner. But how did we get from that ball park to here.
I must have still looked confused because Gerry said, “You were really out of it when we all decided to take a run to Louisville to get in on the ‘Derby Week’ party.” I remembered we had talked about making a run, but I still could not remember doing it. Just again some foggy thoughts of being on the back of someone’s Harley and muffled ideas of more booze and some kind of a brawl.
As I sat with my head in my hands the cell door opened, and names were being called. Little by little the cell emptied. Glenn and Gerry talked quietly about the story we were going to tell the judge. Bobby like myself seemed out of it, but I could see he was trying to listen.
Finally, our names were called. A deputy directed us to a long corridor which led to a set of oaken doors. As he opened them, I could see a large courtroom filled with people. Some in suits others dressed in street clothes standing in a line waiting to go before a harried looking judge. We entered and a small man with a rumbled suit came and stood next to us. He mumbled that he had been appointed our lawyer and not looking up from the folder in his hand said, “Just shut up when you get before the judge. I will answer for you then all you need do is say, “Guilty as charged.” Then you will go over to that bailiff and pay fifty bucks apiece. If you aint got cash, he will take a check or credit card. Y’all understand?” Glenn tried to argue about the guilty plea, but the rumbled man shook his head, “You were drunk, were you not?” Glenn shrugged. “You did get into an altercation with four men in the Sundowner’s Saloon?” Glenn shrugged again. “You did resist being cuffed?” At this Glenn began to speak. But the man held up his hand again. “Do as I say, and you will be home before lunch. If not, you will be eating rice and beans in county for the next couple months.” With that Glenn resigned and the rest of our gang, including me did the same.
Under the influence of alcohol and drugs I did many things I am not proud of. The incident I have just written was not the first or the last time I had gotten so inebriated that I lost all ideas of time and could not clearly know what I had done under the influence. What was worst than anything was the not knowing. Had I done something I would regret? Had I embarrassed myself in front of friends? Had I committed a crime, and someone was looking for me? I woke up many mornings wondering these kinds of questions.
The one thing that was sure, was there would be consequences, always. I would try to minimalize them or talk my way out of them, but the truth always came out. I had been out of control and done things, sometimes without memory. Either way there was a price to pay.
As a sober man now for nearly eight years. I look back on those days and still feel the regret and embarrassment of incidents like the one I am revealing. I know now the problem was I had no moral center. Yes, I could feel guilty but more because I wanted people to thing well of me not because I understood I had sinned and needed not only their forgiveness but God’s also.
It is only when I understood the price that was paid for me, this addict, this self-indulged man, that I saw the sins committed then and now had consequence beyond my own discomfort and even beyond the pain I caused others. “He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.” (Romans 4:25)
I am praying today that those who still live under the sway of substances can know that there is a Savior who willingly took the consequence of our sin. There is no need to keep repeating the same old things over and over. Turn it over to Him today and He will help you make it right.
When I returned home from the Louisville debacle I had even more consequences to pay. A wife who was angry and unforgiving. A son who did not understand why we were always arguing and more. I have sought in my walk to make right the things I can from my lost years. But some things only prayer and the Lord’s power can fix. I am blessed today to wake up sober and most of the time knowing what I did the day before. Still needing many times to seek His forgiveness but now with the true hope in Jesus and the cross. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) Amen!
Blessings John
7/9/18
