I am guilty! One of the residue affects of a long life of addictions is the demeaning sense of self-worth. I am not sure I can blame all my issues with this on addiction or if it is one of those chicken or the egg situations. Did my lack of self-worth come from being an addict or did my addictions stem from a deep-set insecurity from my childhood? I don’t think I have an answer for this.
What I do know is that guilt has been a major factor in my life as long as I can remember. I can say for sure that part of it stemmed from my upbringing as a Catholic in a family where sin was treated like an illness or maybe a plague that was to be avoided at all cost. I still agree with the idea of the avoidance of sin but not for the reasons I was taught as a youth.
Lessons about sin were given from a catechism which had a lot to say about it. There were ‘types’ of sin some more serious than others. There were venial sins and mortal sins. As I remember a venial sin was something that did not entail the damnation of the soul. That would be like telling a fib. Sure, it was lying but not serious enough to keep you out of heaven. Then there were these grievous sins known as mortal. These were the big ones leading to eternal damnation if you did not confess them to a priest. I am sure murder would be one. Probably just about anything that would be considered criminal.
The problem was certain sins might be mortal if intent was involved. And here is where some of my guilt issues started I think. I was what we might politely term as a precocious child. I had a real pension for getting into trouble. In Catholic school most of the teachers were nuns. And with kids like me they used sin as a weapon. If I was disobedient or unruly, I was often told, “John, you will need to see the priest and confess what you have done. Such acts can lead to damnation of your soul!” Then I would wonder, ok is throwing spit balls at Billy a mortal sin? Like I said it could get confusing and I would find myself feeling guilty but not sure what to do about it.
After puberty if got even worse. My mother had warned all of us about the consequences of masturbation. I think even resorting to ‘wives tales’ about things that might happen if we weren’t careful. But for both her, the nuns, and priests, it was a sure thing that this was a grave mortal sin. I must admit in my teens and later years I struggled with it and guilt always piled upon guilt.
As I failed in my adult life, no longer a Catholic or able to believe there was a God who categorized our wrongs against him, I found the one thing I was left with was guilt. Failed relationships, addictions which led to sins that I could not face. I found no other answer than to run and to hide deeper into the very things that were causing this anguish. It was a vicious circle.
If you have read this blog, you know that was my life for way too many years. And it is only through the grace of God that I am even coherent enough to write and share today. It was not easy for the Holy Spirit to break through that cycle I lived in. But He has tools which can break down walls so thick it can only be termed a miracle and I live because of such a miracle.
The Apostle Paul wrote this, “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) This is what the Holy Spirit was able to show me, that in these words were the secret to breaking my cycle of guilt.
I was able to admit I was sinful, be it venial or mortal, sin is sin. It is an offense against God, and I am an offender. But here is the revelation I received, there was nothing I could do to break the cycle, I was too weak. But if I could turn my weakness over to Him who conquered sin, His grace would be sufficient. He triumphs were I fail. My guilt wasn’t needed!
Today I would pray that those guilty feelings are gone for good, but it was proven to me again yesterday that I can fall right back into the old pattern piling on the guilt even when it is not mine to carry. It is my prayer today that I would be free of this and its burdens by trusting in the words of Jesus, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) His grace is sufficient; His rest is sure.
Blessings John,
7/18/18
Note: Publishing two days in a row to get back on my regular writing schedule. All good vacations must come to an end. It is good to be home soon.
