Lately in this blog I have been sharing more recent thoughts and experiences, but every now and again, the echoes of my past come back to me. I think it is to remind me that except for the grace of God, I could still be on that road which leads to total destruction. It also helps me to see those around me that are struggling with the demons that kept me imprisoned for years. Today I want to share one of those times where I was so far from God that at the time is was impossible for me to believe He even existed.
This goes back maybe 35 years or more. At that time, I was living in Southern California. To be exact, the city of Oceanside. I had recently moved out of my brother’s house where I had been living for over a year. During that year I had been regularly using ‘crank’ (our name for what is now commonly called crystal meth) but as soon as I moved into the beachfront motel, that had been converted to apartments, my drug dealing way of life returned.
Unlike the years I was living in Washington State, I now voluntarily got into the business once again. It all seemed so easy. One of the guys who was working for me had a connection, a man who was ‘cooking’ speed and was looking for more outlets to sell his product. I was promised free drugs and spending money if I wanted to deal. In my mind, I remember thinking that it would be different this time. No more dealing drugs to kids, just to young Marines that hung out in every bar in Oceanside. There were so many of them because Camp Pendleton was next door to the town. How could it hurt anybody? Just supply and demand.
For a while it all seemed to work. I was selling and keeping my own consumption down. Everyone was happy. Or at least it seemed that way until on a Friday night I got a call from my connection, wanting to meet. I thought nothing of it, maybe I was going to be rewarded for my good work. So, when he asked me to meet in the parking lot of a mall near Del Mar so late at night, I agreed readily, bad mistake. When I arrived, he was there and seemed to be alone. Getting out of my car, I did not notice someone coming up behind me. I was held in a grip I could not get out of. What was going on?
Soon the man was in front of me and his question was, “Hey man, why are you doing me wrong? Why are you stealing from me?” I was terrified. I wanted to get away, but that was not going to happen. I thought about screaming but knew that it would do no good. I had a passing thought about prayer, but I was so sure there was no God and no one who could save me, I was a dead man.
This was not the only time in my addicted life when I felt there was no hope or there was no savior, but for some reason that night was brought to my mind this morning and as I drove back from the gym I prayed to know why.
As I returned home part of a verse came to mind. I could not remember where it was in the Word, so I typed what I could remember into Google and here is what I found, “I will deliver you out of the hands of the wicked men, I will rescue you from their cruel hands.” (Jeremiah 15:21) Could it be that simple? Was the Holy Spirit just reminding me that there were times in my life when I could have turned to Jesus and He would have saved me. Or was he showing me that even when I didn’t believe in Him, He was ready willing and able to rescue me. And did!
The more I thought about it the more I realized it was the latter and here is why. Back in that dark corner of an empty parking lot, as two guys held me, my connection drew closer and said, “I have heard you have been cutting my product and keeping the profits. Is that true?” I said, “No way. I am not! Check the stuff I have in my car it is pure. Someone is framing me!” I saw a moment of doubt flicker in his eyes, but I knew he didn’t believe me. Just as he was reaching in his pocket, a set of headlights could be seen moving quickly toward us. I was released as all of them jumped into their cars and they sped off. The strange thing is the headlights did not come any closer and seemed to turn around. Someone had saved me. And now I believe I know who.
My connection was arrested two days later, and I never heard from him again. Within two months I moved to Utah and started another phase of my life. But I truly believe now that God has been my savior all along. I felt that again today, as He reminded me that He was with me in the dives I lived in and in the bars I drank myself blind in and He is with me now reminding me again, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Blessings John
8/8/18
