I stood toe to toe with the man. He was shorter that me by maybe two inches, but he outweighed me by a good one hundred pounds. It made no difference to me, I was angry and there was only one thing I wanted and that was blood.
It had all started out ok. I showed up to work early at the job I was running in Santa Monica, like I always did. It was my practice to get onsite at least an hour before my crew showed up and have my whole day planned. So, this day did not start out any different.
Traffic had been bearable on the 405 at 4:30 in the AM so I had not been angered by gridlock. It was a beautiful Tuesday morning in the beach town and the jobsite was only two blocks from Santa Monica pier, so I could smell the salty cool air coming off the Pacific, peaceful. I had drank a small whiskey and coke on the drive in so that had soothed by ‘jones’ for booze.
All and all it was going to be a good day or so I thought.
But here I was a mere two hours later on the sidewalk off site ready to fight a man who I barely knew. Why and how did it happen? Well, the truth is that it happened way to often over the last twenty years of my life. The littlest thing could set it off. Everyone who knew me got it. “John has a temper, don’t get him riled. Or we will pay for it all day!” That is what my crew would say. Now a days, I guess you would say I had a problem with Anger Management.
Strangely enough, it seemed to work. Companies that hired me liked the fact that I was angry most of the time, I was a tough boss and got the job done. In fact, only a few months after the day of this fight, I was promoted to general foreman, because I had ‘what it took’. Things like, “John won’t take guff off anyone.” Or “John will do anything to get the work done.”
Were said among my employers and I got praise for being a hard case.
I have to admit, I took a certain amount of pride in my reputation. And like the TV westerns of the 1960’s there was always someone who wanted to proof they were tougher, faster or meaner than me. Hence, I got into a lot of fights. Win or lose I walked away bloodied but unfazed. At least on the surface.
I tried to tell myself that the ‘angry John’ was just a persona, that I could turn him on and then turn him off. But that was not true. Anger was not an act. When I looked in the mirror, a sullen and angry man looked back. And though I was never violent in my home or with a spouse. I used angry words and a sullen disposition to express myself more times than not. The idea of peace and joy were brief encounters in my world.
The question is, “How did an angry man come to a place where he now cannot stop smiling and feeling a deep sense of joy?” I’d like to say it was a miraculous thing. That one day I just woke up and all that anger that was stored up in me was gone. But it did not work that way. In fact, I never saw it happening. People who knew me would say, “John, you look happy these days, what is going on?” I would shake it off and be determined to hold on to my anger, especially because I thought my livelihood depended on it. But the Lord works in each of us in His time and in His ways. Somewhere along my path walking in His light I could no longer hang on to the anger, it just wasn’t there.
As I have said so many times in these writings, if you fill yourself with God’s Word it will transform you, if you like it or not. The power of it is beyond anything within us. No addiction, or deep-set problem can stay unshaken by it. No, they don’t all just dissolve but like a drip on a hard rock over time and with patience they are eroded. At least that is how it worked for me. God’s Word eroded my anger and through that help release me from my addictions to substances.
Psalm 37 says this, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.” (Psalm 37: 8-9) That is the essence of what the Word does, if you believe, it gives a hope that nothing else can. Through that hope I began to see that all those things that I was angry about were all about the hopeless life I led. I carried the burdens of things that I could not let go of, from childhood and beyond.
As I accepted Jesus’ words, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) I released, be it unknowingly, my burdens on to the one who bore all to the cross. It changed me forever, Amen!
None of these thoughts were with me on that street in Santa Monica. My rage was all consuming. I fought with a man before I even knew his name. Both of us ended up bloodied and nothing got settled. In fact, he and I became enemies for years to come. Today I seek his forgiveness and am blessed to know I am forgiven through nothing I have done. Joyful and no longer angry. Thank you, Lord.
Blessings John,
8/15/18
