Month: August 2018

Lately in this blog I have been sharing more recent thoughts and experiences, but every now and again, the echoes of my past come back to me. I think it is to remind me that except for the grace of God, I could still be on that road which leads to total destruction. It also helps me to see those around me that are struggling with the demons that kept me imprisoned for years. Today I want to share one of those times where I was so far from God that at the time is was impossible for me to believe He even existed.

This goes back maybe 35 years or more. At that time, I was living in Southern California. To be exact, the city of Oceanside. I had recently moved out of my brother’s house where I had been living for over a year. During that year I had been regularly using ‘crank’ (our name for what is now commonly called crystal meth) but as soon as I moved into the beachfront motel, that had been converted to apartments, my drug dealing way of life returned.

Unlike the years I was living in Washington State, I now voluntarily got into the business once again. It all seemed so easy. One of the guys who was working for me had a connection, a man who was ‘cooking’ speed and was looking for more outlets to sell his product. I was promised free drugs and spending money if I wanted to deal. In my mind, I remember thinking that it would be different this time. No more dealing drugs to kids, just to young Marines that hung out in every bar in Oceanside. There were so many of them because Camp Pendleton was next door to the town. How could it hurt anybody? Just supply and demand.

For a while it all seemed to work. I was selling and keeping my own consumption down. Everyone was happy. Or at least it seemed that way until on a Friday night I got a call from my connection, wanting to meet. I thought nothing of it, maybe I was going to be rewarded for my good work. So, when he asked me to meet in the parking lot of a mall near Del Mar so late at night, I agreed readily, bad mistake. When I arrived, he was there and seemed to be alone. Getting out of my car, I did not notice someone coming up behind me. I was held in a grip I could not get out of. What was going on?

Soon the man was in front of me and his question was, “Hey man, why are you doing me wrong? Why are you stealing from me?” I was terrified. I wanted to get away, but that was not going to happen. I thought about screaming but knew that it would do no good. I had a passing thought about prayer, but I was so sure there was no God and no one who could save me, I was a dead man.

This was not the only time in my addicted life when I felt there was no hope or there was no savior, but for some reason that night was brought to my mind this morning and as I drove back from the gym I prayed to know why.

As I returned home part of a verse came to mind. I could not remember where it was in the Word, so I typed what I could remember into Google and here is what I found, “I will deliver you out of the hands of the wicked men, I will rescue you from their cruel hands.” (Jeremiah 15:21) Could it be that simple? Was the Holy Spirit just reminding me that there were times in my life when I could have turned to Jesus and He would have saved me. Or was he showing me that even when I didn’t believe in Him, He was ready willing and able to rescue me. And did!

The more I thought about it the more I realized it was the latter and here is why. Back in that dark corner of an empty parking lot, as two guys held me, my connection drew closer and said, “I have heard you have been cutting my product and keeping the profits. Is that true?” I said, “No way. I am not! Check the stuff I have in my car it is pure. Someone is framing me!” I saw a moment of doubt flicker in his eyes, but I knew he didn’t believe me. Just as he was reaching in his pocket, a set of headlights could be seen moving quickly toward us. I was released as all of them jumped into their cars and they sped off. The strange thing is the headlights did not come any closer and seemed to turn around. Someone had saved me. And now I believe I know who.

My connection was arrested two days later, and I never heard from him again. Within two months I moved to Utah and started another phase of my life. But I truly believe now that God has been my savior all along. I felt that again today, as He reminded me that He was with me in the dives I lived in and in the bars I drank myself blind in and He is with me now reminding me again, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Blessings John
8/8/18

I have always considered myself a reasonably intelligent human being. As the world judge’s intelligence, I have been tested to be above average. But I have proven time and again that being blessed with a functional mind does not guarantee anything.

Yesterday I spent most of my Sunday tuning up the school computers as RuthAnn struggled to get her classroom ready for today. As I sat downloading ‘Office 365’ on each of them I was struck by the idea of how much intelligence is available to the majority of the world today.

Just think of it. If you have a smart phone, you are holding a computer that is 32,000 times faster than the computers used for the Apollo Lunar Missions. And the typical iPhone 6 could be used to guide 120,000,000 Apollo era spacecrafts to the moon, all at once. Another fact that I love to repeat is that the average toaster has more computing power than the Apollo space capsule and remember that tin can made it to the moon and back. We now have the world at our finger tips, so to speak.

Don’t you find this fascinating? I can’t help it, I do. In less than 100 years we have come from a world that was completely manual to one that is completely computerized. But as fascinated as I am, I have to admit I am also just as leery of the trust and dependence we have put in the devices and computers that control our world.

If you read a blog I wrote just recently about driving a 1940’s car while the proud owners sat wondering how this contraption worked. It was just another an example of how we have lost contact with anything that is not controlled by a computer. Anything where we have to do the thinking, or we have to do the work. And I guess I find a great danger in this because this same attitude has seeped into our very believes. We have become a people on the whole who trust man made devices more than the men that made them. Or on another level, the God that made man.

I certainly am not here to advocate the return of the stone age. I have friends who have ridded themselves of televisions and limited the use of computers in their households. I have great admiration for this especially for younger families where children are now becoming basically non-functional unless they have a device to rely on. But on the other hand, I would not be typing this, because I am a dismal failure at typing on manual typewriters. And even if I did rescue an old Royal typewriter from an antique store, without the use of a copier, computer and the internet how would I share these thoughts with you?

No, it is not the devices that are the problem. Each one can be used to share the Good News of Jesus Christ and if that is true they can be inherently good. I think the issue is more the absolute trust that I put in the information they supply and my lazy dependence on it.

I have just finished my latest reading of the book of Romans. I like to alternate between it and the book of Hebrews as constant sources of rock solid reminders of from where our wisdom and faith should come. There are verses like this one: “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!” (Romans 11:33) When I read verses like these I am reminded that true wisdom, full and rich comes from having a relationship with our God. And also, no matter how smart our computers become we will never understand the depth of His intelligence or even His love.

The book of Proverbs says this: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3: 5-6) It is clear that we are asked to not put all our trust in the wisdom of this world be it a computer, politician or even a minister unless we filter it all through the Word of God. In the end the only Way, Truth and Life comes through Jesus Christ and if we are not putting that first we are in danger.

There is a warning in the book of Daniel that I think we should all keep in mind these days, “But you Daniel, shut up the words and seal the book, until the time of the end. Many will run to and fro and knowledge shall increase.” (Daniel 12:5) I believe we are now in those end times the book that was shut and sealed in Daniel’s time is now being revealed in the person of Jesus Christ and in His Word. But we are in danger of being to busy running to and fro and seeking after the increasing knowledge. Maybe today it is time to slow down enough to pick up the Bible and find the knowledge of God.

I love living in the time we are. As I sit here typing and my computer auto-corrects my typos and vocabulary, l am blessed. But as much as I love sharing what Jesus has done for me. I need His wisdom and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Lest I forget and my will and not His be done today. God forbid!

Blessings John
8/6/18

RuthAnn is in the final countdown until the first day of school. Like any deadline there seems too be more things to do than time within to do them. But for many reasons this year is more stressful and time limited than usual. The last few weeks have been really hectic.

While observing and partaking in the tasks at hand, it has brought to mind times in my life when stress loomed so large that it blotted out all normal living. Of course, like RuthAnn and so many of us, it seems that the most stressful events center around work. For me this was absolute. Even the advent of cancer in my life did not compare to the days when work issues would bring me to my knees. I want to share just one, maybe you can identify.

This goes back about ten years, I guess. Not long after I moved my office from Livermore, California to my new home in Grants Pass, Oregon. I was given the Devil’s Slide Tunnel project. It was a major job, adding two new tunnels for northbound and southbound traffic thru over a mile of the coastal hills south of Pacifica, California. I would be in charge of designing the concrete reinforcing and would be Project Manager.

As with most Caltrans jobs there were added issues because of some design problems. Also, because it was a tunnel there would be special boring and forming problems. But eventually most all of this got worked out over many meetings and design conferences. But one issue was never resolved and that was the entrances, called portals. These would be the only structures that would be build in the open (not underground) and there were several staging and forming problems that were seemingly unsolvable.

In my life at this time, I had just come off my first sessions of radiation treatments and was adjusting to the antigen drug I was being given to control my cancer. Along with this I was still drinking regularly, even if I was hiding it from my wife. These factors along with the stress of this project and the ten or so others I was managing were taking their toll.

The culmination of this came one Friday. The day after I had my Zoledex injection which normally left me feeling disoriented for a few weeks, spacey is the way I used to explain it. I was under pressure to release 3 or 4 truck loads of rebar into fabrication and at the same time was on the phone to handle more problems that had come up with the portal design. Somewhere during this day, I made a major error in my fabrication request. But I would not find out about it until two weeks later.

On a Saturday morning, I was just getting up and about when my home office phone rang. It was the field superintendent for the tunnel project and he was not happy. A truck load of rebar had shown up and all of it was the wrong size. I will not bore you with any more facts than to say, this was nearly twenty tons of rebar that could not be used. And as it turned out it was all my fault.

I was crushed. In all my years I had never made such a major error. First thing on Monday, I called in offering to resign. My boss was kind and refused but for weeks I was frozen, the stress of this mistake made it just about impossible to do my job at all. The most terrible thing is I had nowhere to turn, I felt I needed to carry this burden all alone.

Have you ever been there? Already stressed and then you are hit with something that is added to your load, either because of something you have done or not. What can you do? My answer back then was to internalize it and allow it to eat me alive. What I did not know then was that God even has a plan for times like these and all it requires it that we are willing to trust and obey.

I would like to share some of the verses that have helped me in my times of stress. But they only help when I am willing to let go and know Who is really in charge. That nothing I do today is so important or so terrible that it will change His love for me or for you. Try praying a few of these and see what happens:

“When I was hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? (Psalm 118: 5-6)

“Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands give me delight.” Psalm 119:143)

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” (Psalm 55:22)

“But those who hope in the LORD will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 4: 6-7)

There are so many more, seek them out if these have not helped or just listen to these words of Jesus, and believe: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11: 28-29)

I did none of this during that stressful time. I lived with the burden and it led to months of my life being lost in worry and stress. I cannot change what happened then but know that today neither you or I need to feel we are alone. Stress or not Jesus will help, lay your yoke upon Him today.

Blessings and Happy Sabbath,
John
8/3/18

I think I have mentioned in this blog that, as a kid, I was an avid basketball fan and also loved to play the game. Back in those days, basketball was not popular enough to be on television so us faithful few would tune into games on our trusty transistor radios. I was very young when I began my infatuation for the game and at that time there was no team in Chicago. The best team in the Midwest was the Minneapolis Lakers, so they became my team. Trouble was that not long after I claimed them they moved to the city of my dreams, Los Angeles.

Yeah, if I haven’t mentioned it as a city kid, I didn’t dream of lush forests or living on a farm. I wanted to move to LA and live on the beach. In some ways it was great that my favorite team was now in my favorite city, but it was hard to get a game on the radio.

Now any of you old enough to remember transistor radios will also remember that if you tuned into them late at night sometimes you would pick up AM radio stations from exotic places, such as Mexico. But I found out I could normally tune into an LA station that was playing a Laker game and because of the time difference it worked out well. So, through my youth I continued to grow in my love for this team. But there was a problem, they never won a championship. In fact, they hadn’t since the year I was born. Still I was loyal and stuck with them.

Then in 1968 the unbelievable happened, the Lakers acquired Wilt Chamberlin. For you who do not know the game, Wilt is the only player in NBA history to ever score 100 points in a game. He was my idol and now he was coming to LA. And even with Wilt it took a few years but finally in the 1971/1972 season all things came together.

The team seemed unlikely, even though they had Wilt and Jerry West, one of the best guards in the game. The rest of the cast were not even that well known. In fact, they had a forward by the name of Happy Hairston who came out of nowhere, it seems, to join this group who still hold the record for the longest winning streak in the NBA, 33 games and the best record over all 69-13. And in the spring of 1972, they finally won it all and became the Champions of the world.

So why do I bore you with this bit of basketball trivia? The point is simple, all of us become so infatuated by things of this world that our relationships with others suffer, but even more our relationship with Jesus suffers most.

Here is what this means for me. After all these years I still remember every member from that basketball team. I remember a lot of the stats. I recall the championship series against the New York Knicks. How upset I was when the Lakers lost the first game in that series. But if you ask me today what Bible verses I read just hours ago, I would have this vague memory and maybe be able to summarize some of it.

Sure, I could blame this on old age, everyone knows the short-term memory is the first thing to go but I know that is not what is going on. No, my problem is deeper, and it goes directly to God’s very first commandment, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me.” (Exodus 20:2-3) Some of you who don’t know the Bible to well might say, “What does the land of Egypt and being in bondage have to do with me?” But I know for myself I was in bondage and living as a foreigner in my own life when I was controlled by booze and drugs. And I also know it was God, through Jesus Christ who brought me out. But I still find myself worshipping idols past and present.

When I read the book of Romans I know that even the Apostle Paul suffered in this struggle, “For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” (Romans 7: 14-18) I know some find these passages confusing but to me it is just what I feel is my biggest problem. I want to live in a way where I live in God’s law but my worldly self and the baggage I carry still have a hold on me.

Paul goes on to say this a few verses later, “For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! So, then I serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7: 22-25) The answer is here and if I am not willing to do it the flesh wins every time. If I cannot surrender to Jesus completely. I will always be serving the flesh and worship the idols of this world. Paul goes on to give even more words to live by in Chapter 8 of Romans, read it and you may come face to face with what is holding you from a surrendered relationship with Jesus.

Today as I finish this, I know I am not done with my obsession with the world or even the sway that basketball holds over me. I was swept up in elation as LeBron James signed with the Lakers this summer. I just pray that this wretched man can turn away from the things of this world and turn his eyes upon Jesus. He is the real champion and the one who has conquered what none of us can, sin and death. Now that is a real win for us all!

Blessings John,
8/1/18