Yesterday we held a Health Fair at our church. The turn out from the community was not huge, to say the least, but the turn out of volunteers who were willing to give up their Sunday was gratifying. It leads me to remember that it is not our job as Christians to count the numbers that we serve but to serve each of the number with the same love that Jesus shows to us. After all he would have died just to save one of us. Are we willing to sacrifice such a small thing as a few hours on a Sunday to serve others? Many yesterday thought so.
It is the most amazing part of the transformation which comes through faith and hope in a risen Savior, that a person, like me, who spent most of his life self-absorbed now finds great joy and humility in serving others. It is sometimes hard to believe I lived as I did for so long. I try in these blogs to give the before and after picture of my life because I pray it shows that no matter how far from God one is or how self-absorbed one may be that there is hope. Here is what I am getting at.
There were many incidents in my life I could point at that showed I chose me over anything else, but I think there is one that shows it fully. In 1999 I was in a marriage that was burdensome. My wife had many physical ailments that led complaint filled days. I have to confess now and thought it then, without speaking it, that she was a hypochondriac. I would grit my teeth whenever the complaints would start and nod my head trying to put on a sympathetic look but knew often I did not succeed.
At the same time as this was worsening, my addictions were flaring. Alcohol consumtion, which for a short time had seemed to be under control now was daily again becoming a ritual. We had also recently moved the fifth-wheel trailer in which we lived to Vernal, Utah starting a new Water Treatment project. Vernal, if you do not know is in the extreme north eastern part of Utah and about 200 miles from Salt Lake City where my company office was located. As I set up the project it was necessary for me to travel back and forth from Vernal to the office, meaning I would need to be away at least half the week. This meant whenever I was home, I would listen to complaints not just of that day but a litany from the days I was missing. All culminated one Sunday when I had been drinking since the day before. As my wife was listing more issues, I lost it and told her that I could not take any more of it. Flatly telling her she was hypochondriac then storming out of the trailer. I drove drunk the 200 miles to Salt Lake City. From that point, I basically abandoned her, and we separated.
Many strange things happened after that. She lived in our trailer next to me, while I lived in one owned by the company. Yet I took no time to see that what I thought of as hypochondria was actually the beginning of Multiple Myeloma Cancer. Others took her to the doctor as I drank more and spent all my efforts to keep the company project above water. I was so self-absorbed I could not see that the woman I married was truly suffering right next door. I had sunk to a new low and I did not even recognize it.
How easy it is for us to become so involved in life and ourselves that we ignore the plight of others. It may not be as extreme as what I just shared. Most of the time it is much subtler. But the results are the same, it is the “I” problem and when we fall into it we are falling like the one who started this rebellion against God.
The prophet Isaiah wrote this about Satan, “How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! You said in your heart, “I will ascend to the heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of Mount Zaphon. I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14: 12-14)
His words are filled with the “I” problem and we can and often do end up in the same place. But if we are willing to look to the one who knowing all about us was willing to give all He was and suffer the cross for us, there will be a change in how we react when this self-absorption comes. He tells us this, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) And when we have this His Spirit, self seems less important and we can in humility serve others. That is what brings rest for my soul!
That incident in the trailer led to years of separation, in which my wife’s health worsened. Eventually we were able to come together again and through her leading I came to the Lord. I was forgiven for that time and by the time she passed away, we had both found a place where self was lessened by centering our lives on Jesus. I am blessed to know she rests in the Lord waiting His return. And am blessed to know my heart has been changed enough to seek to relieve the pain of others, through the grace of God. May we all seek His humility today and leave the “I” problem behind.
Blessings John,
10/1/18
