I was surrounded by loving family and friends yesterday. It was a wonderfully typical Thanksgiving Day. In the morning there were people watching parades and other holiday events on television. RuthAnn and I went out with her son and daughter-in-law to do some fall yard work. That seemed so appropriate on the greatest of fall holidays. Later there was a family meal. If it was not as traditional as most Americans, we ate vegetarian, it was delicious, loving and fun filled as any table in the country. Add in a little football and family activities, it was a day I will remember!
But as I sat there surrounded by this abundance both spiritually and physically, other Thanksgivings crept into my memory. As they did, I tried to reckon how many of these holidays I had spent in such a peaceful, warm environment and how many in cold, hollow places. The first I recalled were the five years or, so I spent with my church family in Grants Pass, Oregon, sharing this day with those less fortunate at our ‘Soup Kitchen Thanksgiving’ meals. I knew that tradition had continued on without me and I felt a pang of loss of not being there. I heard later 88 folks had been fed this year. Many good memories stay with me from those times. But as soon as I scanned through those years, other not so loving and warm scenes came to mind. Lonely, cold years spent in dimly lit bars. I wanted to push those thoughts away. I shouldn’t have opened that door. But now it was, I saw myself, sitting at a bar in Provo, Utah, full drink in front of me and yet I was so empty. It is always strange to me, how those memories are so vivid. I have forgotten or mislaid so many other warm, loved filled days. But ones like this one stay. I think it is God’s way of reminding me how far He has brought me and yet how close I am to being back there, again.
That day was as close to suicidal as I guess I have ever been. My second marriage was on the rocks. My wife had just told me a few days before that she thought I should move out. Now, once again, I found myself living in a dingy motel room I rented by the week. Eating meals of macaroni and cheese out of a box, washing it down with a whiskey and coke. I had gotten to the bar right after it had opened, hoping that my wife would be there too, she didn’t show. So, I sat watching the Macy’s parade and felt all hope for a ‘normal’ Thanksgiving Day vanish. I also knew all hope for me to find love, joy and peace were gone… “Hey Barry, bring me another drink and keep them coming!” He had nothing better to do. Flashes of that day kept coming back to me yesterday, as I sat at a table with loving banter flowing around me. In some ways, I felt out of place. What if I told everyone what was going on in my head? I didn’t, I couldn’t, the thoughts were too dark.
I recalled how as that day progressed long ago, more of the lonely and lost came to the only place they felt accepted. I drank among them but not with them. More bitter trying to imagine what my wife was doing. Was she having Thanksgiving with the family or was she out drinking and partying with her friends. I was angry and hurt, so did not want to hear any of the pathetic sentiments that were going on around me. If one more person wished me a “Happy Thanksgiving!” I was going to smack them. By late afternoon I was drunk and so morose I could no longer be around people. I walked back to my motel room 4 blocks away, passing by my wife’s house, a party was going on. I wasn’t invited. Head down, I finally opened the door to that depressing room and my only thoughts were of nothingness and death. How I did not end it all there is only by the grace of God.
A lingering sadness hung on to me for a short moment yesterday, as that day flashed before me. The anger, sadness and most of all hopelessness. But as the joyful conversation swirled around me, I was revived. As our friend Bill prayed the blessing, I could feel the burdens of that old pain fall away like an old coat. God was doing it again! As the shadow of that day dissipated, I knew I was truly blessed to be sitting around this table and belonging to this family, even as an adopted member. I had hope! I was surrounded by love that came from an unending source, the cross of Jesus Christ.
Today, just a day later, the residue of that past Thanksgiving is visible. But know it holds no power because of that hope. Sitting here I am reminded of these verses, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. (1 John 3: 2-3) I have this hope as this holiday season begins. I will sit among family and friends again and maybe the reminders of lost days will come,+ but I will not worry nor be afraid I am child of God!
Happy Sabbath and Blessings
John
11/23/18
