Month: December 2018

I knew I had to make this connection. If I did not get the money, I needed there would be,someone to pay and he was not going to offer an easy installment plan. Lookingat my watch I knew that Jerry was supposed to meet me at 7:00 and it was now7:15 and there were no signs of him. “Where was this guy?” I mumbled tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

This thing had been set up for over a week, my guy had fronted me two keys of speed and if I turned this over the profit would cover my debts to him and maybe leave me enough for my own nose. I mean, Jerry was always a sure thing. We had been doing business for close to a year and I could not believe he would stiff me now. But as the minutes ticked away, my future seemed to be ticking away with each passing second. I now started to plan my escape.

I could call Jet up and explain the deal went wrong. That would be the easiest way, right?Just tell him, “The guy didn’t show.” Turn the stuff back over to him and claim, “No harm, no foul!” The only problem with this wasthat I would still owe him, and he would definitely think that it was harmful to his welfare and thus deadly to mine. There had to be another way!

As I sat thinking I noticed two cars slowly heading into the deserted parking lot. Could it be Jerry? Naww, he always comes alone. But as the cars continued to drive in my direction, I had to believe I was being set up. Starting the truck, I left my lights off and made a slow U turn to back track where I had come from. I would have to keep my foot off the brakes or else the lights would give me away.

Making itout of the lot I decided to hide in plain site and pulled into a driveway parking my truck next to a compact car already there. Motor off, I folded myself into the seat low enough to be below the headrest. My mind raced. Hadthey seen me leave the parking lot? Who were they? Was Jerry planning a take down?Or had Jet set the whole thing up? The more I thought about it the more it seemed likely. Jerry had always been a nickel and dime guy, so where did he get the resources for this buy. But why? None of it made sense.

I could not tell how long I had sat in that driveway, but no cars or trucks had passed and now I was beginning to doubt myself. Paranoia was setting in. Just as I was about to sit up and start the truck, I could see headlights coming from the direction of the parking lot. Dropping I waited. I could hear the vehicles move toward then I heard them pass.

Looking at my watch I knew at least an hour had gone by. Starting the truck, I was not sure which way to go. Finally, I knew it made no difference, I had to get these keys back to Jet and know from this time on I would be on the run. One thingwas for sure drug dealers, like mine, were relentless in their vengeance. And for some reason, I did not know, I was the object of his.

Relentlessly vengeful. Back then as I sunk deeper into the world of drugs and dealers, I began to see all aspects of life to hold that quality including God, if He really existed. Here I was in this sewer that we call Earth and I would have Christians trying to convince me that there was a God that loves and wants me to be free of the chains. I would laugh and sometime swear. They did not know the real world, if they did, if they saw the filth I saw maybe then they would wonder like I did, why does he allow it to go on. A loving God, what a joke. To me He was as bad as any drug dealer I knew. He was relentless, and he was vengeful, period, end of statement.

Ok, so move forward about 37 years and I sit here writing a Christian blog. How could that happen? Iguess it is simple. Through the Holy Spirit and God’s grace I have found the truth. God is relentless. No not in vengeance. Not in pain. He is relentless in His love for you and for me.

Have you ever heard the Laura Story song, “You Gave Your Life”? Here is the lyrics that capture some of what I know now about God, in Jesus Christ:

I was found
As a beggar, as an orphan with no home
No family
I was found
With a stain as deep as darkness fills the night
But the wonder does not lie in the depression of my state
But that You found me at all is simply grace upon grace
You gave Your life for me
This man dreams oh to see
How far, how wide
How deep, how high
Is the relentless love of God

The truth is,there is evil in this world and there is a portrayer of it. This is not God, itis Satan. The God I have come to know, has made me aware that He was with me in the darkness of my life. He was relentless in His pursuit of my salvation and a truth I can never deny is:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

His love is that relentless, that complete. You will find it like I did in His Word, and it will transform you.

I made it through that night long ago. But I was soon to know the relentless vengeance of a drug dealer. Yes, I had been set up. As I sought to make peace and recompense, I found someone, maybe Jerry had been spreading rumors of my duplicity and wrong doing,most of which were untrue. But Jet believed and from that moment I was on the run. I have written how we later met in a similar parking lot where I escaped with my life, fleeing to California and entering into one of my blackest times. Through God’s grace I survived and today I know His relentless love. He saved a wretch like me. He is pursuing you right now, take a quiet moment to listen.

Blessings John,

12/17/18

For most of my working career I spent the week looking forward to Friday. Yeah, TGIF, you know it, “Thank God it’s Friday”. During hard-drinking years I made great preparations. Things like making sure I had at least a half-gallon of the booze I was drinking, sometimes whiskey and others vodka. This was especially true during the years I spent in Utah, the land of state-run liquor stores and ‘bring your own bottle’ laws. But no matter where I was, I was prepared before the sun set. It’s party time!

You know what is odd when I became a Sabbath keeping Christian, I still look forward to Friday night and TGIF still applies. The difference is now I celebrate God’s way! So, on this Friday I thought I would share some thoughts about one of the most amazing blessings that most of the world misses out on, the Sabbath.

The first thing, I guess, is to see where I traveled to become a Sabbath believer. Some people are sure that Sunday, the first day of the week, is the Biblical Sabbath. While others believe that Saturday, the seventh day of the week, is the Sabbath. When I was coming to the Lord, I was confused and tired of listening to others. The only real authority I could believe was God’s Word. So, I checked out the book of Exodus and for sure the fourth commandment said: “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shall you labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God.” (Exodus20:8). I already knew the book of Genesis says at the very completion of creation God declared a rest for Himself and all He created. “And on the seventh day God ended all the work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all the work He had done. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.” (Genesis 2:2-3). From there I had to believe Adam kept the Sabbath, so did Noah, Abraham and all the Patriarchs. But I could see after the people had been in bondage, they forgot about the rest God had given them. When Moses received the commandments, it was clear to me God reminded the people how important the Sabbath was. The fourth is the only commandment to begin with the word “Remember”. I think it was this that convinced me, but I still had questions.

I heard Christians saying that all of this was changed by Jesus and His death and resurrection, but when I looked at the Word, I just didn’t see it. In the New Testament I saw Jesus followers still observing the Sabbath after His death, Joseph of Arimathea had buried Jesus, the women were following, and Luke tells us “That day was the Preparation and the Sabbath drew near. And the women who had come with Him from Galilee followed after, they observed the tomb and how His body was laid. Then they returned and prepared spices and fragrant oils. And they rested on the Sabbath according to the commandment.” (Luke 24: 54-56). The next verse states the women came back on the first day of the week, they had rested, and a new week was beginning so they, like all others, were ready for 6 days of work.

But what about the resurrection didn’t that change everything? Again, I never saw aclue that any of Jesus followers ever stopped keeping the Sabbath. All through the book of Acts, Peter, Paul and all of the Savior’s disciples kept the commandment. I found out the word Sabbath is mentioned 84 time in the book of Acts while the ‘First Day’ just 8 and only once concerning a worship service. That sure seemed odd to me if the first day if the week was important. So, for this hardcore skeptic it was evident the Bible just didn’t support the whole idea of a changed day. Sure, I did go on to read many books on just how the day was changed and if you are looking for more on the topic there are many good books written on the subject. A short and easy read you can get online is: “From the Sabbath to Sunday” by Carlyle Boynton Haynes. Check it out.

As for me I now believe in and find joy in the Sabbath day. I Thank God it is Friday and like in the old days I am preparing. Nope, I am not storing up the booze. Now a days I am filling my heart and mind with God’s Word. Just look what the prophet Isaiah says: “If you keep from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day. If you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s holy day honorable and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find joy in the Lord and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. The mouth of the Lord has spoken it.”(Isaiah 58: 13-14). When we delight in His day, He blesses us. A pretty good deal!

Maybe you should give it a try! Take tomorrow off. Your Boss and Creator willbe taking it off right along with you!

I am voting to change TGIF to TGIS: “Thank God it’s Sabbath.” Yeah, I like that! How about you?

John
12/14/18

As I woke up, I felt I had been dreaming about sleeping. So, had I really slept or not. My head was heavy on the pillow and it felt as if it was filled with wet socks. My eyes were open, but I had not been able to focus on a thing. I knew I had been on a bender but was not able to say for how long or even where I was at the moment. Closing my eyes again, I tried to concentrate. To cut through the throbbing fog bank that appeared on my now closed lids. “Are we having fun yet?” I mumbled as I lay confused.

As always with these kinds of benders, it seemed I lay there for an hour or more before my soggy brain began to clear. I could see now I was in the dingy motel room I called home. My eyes could focus enough to read my watch, it was 10:30 and because it was light, I guessed that would be in the morning. Finally sitting up the motion sent flashes of color into my vision. It was almost like my brain was sloshing around in my head and couldn’t stop bobbing. As this feeling cleared, I knew I was probably going to live but I was not sure at the moment if I wanted to.

I saw the pack of cigarettes on the night stand and grabbed it. My hands shook as I took one out of the pack and lit up. Was there a bottle any where around? A little ‘hair of the dog’ would probably get my motor running again. Searching the room, I saw a bottle half full of amber liquid on the poor excuse for a table near the door. Slowly rising I walked unsteadily to where it was. Unscrewing the cap, I took two long pulls and felt the burn as it slid down my throat. “That would do the trick.” I mumbled. As I looked through the heavy curtain next to the table, I heard church bells begin to ring, “Sunday” I thought. Two days lost but maybe it would be better if I did not remember. Yet I knew it would come back, at least most of it.

I took another long drag on my cigarette and another pull off the bottle while sitting down in the rickety solo chair at the table. Staring at its scarred surface, little flashes of what could be memories started to seep in. The bar called “The Courthouse”, it actually was an old courtroom converted into a bar or a private club, as they are called in Utah. I knew I had started drinking there when we had gotten ‘rained out’ on Friday morning. Then lots of little snippets of angry drunken conversations, lines of white powder snorted in a marble lined bathroom. Another argument with the bouncer and maybe being ‘86ed” (banned) from the bar.

Did that happen during this drunk or was that a memory from another time. I could not tell. I did not really care. I picked up the receiver of the big, black phone on the table and dialed the number for ‘time’. A sweet voice on the other end said, “At the tone the time will be 10:45 and 10 seconds”. Listening until the minute turned the voice assured me it was, “Sunday, October 13, 1986 and at the tone the time will be 10:46.” Hanging up I crushed out my cigarette and drank another drink. My life stunk, but I knew the cure for it and it was right here in this bottle.

This was my life as a man addicted to alcohol and drugs. I cannot tell you how many mornings I spent just like this one, how many days were lost in foggy drunkenness. The worst part was always the ‘next day’, remembering all the stupid things I had done or even worse, that I had caused pain either physical or mental. Those were the memories that always came first.

I have to admit during these years I loathed myself. The out of control life I lived was painful to many who still had some hope for me and it was just ugly in my head. But I did not stop because something or someone convinced me that I could not. Today I know who that someone is and was, his name according to God’s Word is the devil or Satan and here is how Jesus describes him when talking to the Pharisees:

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)

When I was under the control of substances this verse pertained to me. I was of the devil. No, by the grace of God, I never murdered anyone. But I lived a life of lies, deception and pain and Satan assured me I could never be free. But he is a liar and the father of lies. It was not true. I and you can find freedom but only through the one who died to give it to us:

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Jesus Christ from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:2)

I found in God’s Word a life line. I was not the person Satan told me I was. I am a child of God and saved at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ, you are too! So, if you are waking up today and finding your life is not what you want it to be. It ain’t all about drugs or alcohol. Satan has many lies. Turn to the one who offers life and offers it abundantly. Pick up His Word, the key to your freedom is there.

Blessings John,

12/12/18

The truck was going into a power slide as I came over the top of the hill. In my mind, “Foot off the gas. Don’t hit the brake. Steer into the slide. Stay calm.” I could hear my father’s voice, with its critical tones, swear words mixed in telling me this. I did as the voice told me and as the truck slowed, I felt it coming back under control. More of my father’s words in my head, “If you were watching the road and knew the conditions this kind of stuff won’t be necessary, how many times have I told you!” I shook my head and tilted it in a mock respect, mumbling under my breath, “Thanks Dad, you’re always quite the expert!” At this I had to laugh, “You are brave now, John boy, but if he was sitting in the seat next to you, I bet you would not be so smug.” That was true, and I knew it, I had feared my father all my life. With his recent death I had not yet come to grips with the love-hate relationship we always had. And as I drove off White Horse Pass heading into Wendover, Nevada, it weighed heavy on my mind.

My father was a large presence in all of our lives. My two brothers and one sister each had a mercurial relationship with him. He could be intimidating because of his sheer size. I think as a kid that was what scared and fascinated me both at the same time. If one of us kids had what could be called a ‘close’ relationship, I guess it would have been me. Maybe it was because I was the youngest or because in some ways, I was the most like him. But having that relationship with him was not always a joyful experience. He seemed to expect me to do everything well and when I didn’t his disapproval was devastating.

I am not saying he wasn’t the same with all the kids, he was. No one could do things as well or knew as much as my father. The difference was that with the others my mother was more of a buffer, defending and encouraging. But she did little of that with me. And over the years I found that seeking his approval and rarely getting it added to my overcompensating and having low self-opinion. It also led me to not understand how to be a loving father and, in some way, a loving husband or friend.

And as I sat in that truck in the winter of 1995, recriminating myself for not watching the road, I felt his disapproval even though he had been dead for months. Slowly as I crawled down the pass, these thoughts of incompetency led to thoughts of my own failure as a father. I could only shake my head and hear my father’s accusing laugh, hear his voice once again, “You fail at everything you try! I never abandoned you. I drank and still made a home for my family, you use it as a crutch and an excuse.” As the road cleared and Wendover came into view, I was not prepared for the work day ahead. With all these thoughts I would rather just sit at the Peppermill Casino’s bar than work on the foundations for its new hotel. Loser that I was, isn’t it to be expected? But as I pulled up in front of the jobsite without much emotion, I pulled on my winter coveralls. Digging under the seat I pulled out the bottle of whiskey and poured a large dose into my coffee cup. “Hell, with it all and you too Dad!” I headed to work.

There are a lot of things I have had to come to grips with in my recovery from addictions to drugs and alcohol, but the large presence of my father was one of the hardest. And even though before this day back in the winter of 1995, my father and I had made peace in his last days. I still struggled mightily with the idea that even though I saw myself as being a relatively talented man, I was always surprised when I got things right. I found in my recovery that most of that was because I based my self-esteem on myself and the works I did. Not in God and the works He does in me. It was only slowly as the Holy Spirit revealed this truth that I was able to find that substances were not needed to be at peace with myself.

Now a days, I still struggle with self-worth but have found my strength in God’s Word. Here are a few verses that have helped me in my recovery, I thought I would share this morning:

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

“Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

And here are two that Jesus himself promised:

“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“Jesus looked straight at them and answered, “This is impossible for human beings, but for God everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

I hold on to and believe in these words today. The voices of my past can accuse me, and I know they may be right. But as long as my faith is in the one who gave all to save me, I say, “When I look at myself, I wonder how I can be saved, but when I look at Jesus, I wonder how I could ever be lost!” It is His voice I hear this morning! That is a great start to the week!

Blessings

John

12/10/18 \

“Good Morning.” I mumbled as I was passing the man standing outside the restaurant. I hadn’t really looked at him, assuming he was just another ‘homeless’ guy hanging around this neighborhood. But I thought, almost unconsciously, “These guys are everywhere, always begging for money.” I just shrugged with this thought and headed in for my Saturday breakfast, smugly knowing I had earned this good food and time to myself.

I did eat a monster breakfast, with eggs, hash browns, pancakes and a large glass of milk. On my way out, I stopped to talk to a couple of old timers I knew from here and also from the bar a few blocks down. We talked of nothing in particular, but I saw one of them looking over my shoulder and the talk seemed to ebb away. Turning to see what had distracted everyone, there at the door was a man dressed almost in rags. “Was it the same guy who was hanging around outside?” I wondered.

Quickly the little, round man I knew was the manager was on him and pretty soon we could hear an argument ensue. The ragged man was just asking for some money, anything, he seemed to be looking at me. But the manager was threatening, and the word ‘cop’ was coming up often. Soon, with his head down, the guy left, he seemed more ragged than when he came in. I was thinking about just sitting down with the old guys and having a cup of coffee, just so I could avoid going out and being confronted. But I thought, “No, this guy is not going to ruin my Saturday! I got things to do.” With that I headed to the cash register and paid my bill to the waitress who had been looking on when the disturbance had happened, she said as she gave me my change, “Happens all the time these days. It ain’t even safe to come to work in the morning! Someone needs to clear these bums out of this neighborhood!” I shook my head in distracted agreement, but something was nagging at me. It struck me that I might know this ‘ragged’ man who was at the center of this morning’s excitement. We had met before.

As I went out the door, I was actually looking for him, but to my surprise, he was no where in sight. Looking at my watch I saw it was after ten and decided to walk down to the bar and have a few quick ‘screwdrivers’ and talk to Jim, the guy who owned the place. Walking still distracted and now sure I knew the man in rags, I had my head down in concentration. A voice startled me out of my reverie, “Hey John, I thought that was you, man.” I turned, and Bob Turner was almost in my face. He was so dirty, and his eyes were blood shot, but it was definitely the same Bob who had worked with me over a year ago on the new Stouffers Food plant in Provo. I wanted to ask what had brought him to this state, but I knew, and trying to act like nothing was wrong, I said, “Bob, man, where have you been?” I stopped almost stuttering, I knew anything I said would sound lame. He just gave me a sad smile and said, “I have been in every hole in Utah and Nevada chasing the pipe… “I knew he was talking about crack cocaine and I shook my head almost in disgust and feeling superior because I had never taken up that addiction.

Bob saw my look and said, “Yeah, John. I know what your thinking. So, let’s cut this short. Can you help a brother out? How about 20 bucks for old times sake?” With that he laughed and coughed. Emaciated and sick, but I just wanted him away from me. I gave him the twenty and almost ran back to my truck. Bob’s laughter ringing in my ears.

When I was praying about what I should write this morning, this remembrance was brought to me in vivid tones. I could not figure out what I could share about this that would bring anyone closer to our God. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus and his absolute love and compassion to anyone who was being held in Satan’s grip. Here I was an addict myself, but I had absolutely no compassion for a man who was so in need of it. I have told myself, then and even now, that he was already to far gone, I would have never been able to help Bob. And maybe that is true, but I could have given him the one thing that drug had taken away completely, understanding love.

I am reminded of the gospel of Matthew Chapter eight, “When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “LORD, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.” (Matthew 8: 1-3) No, I could not have healed my friend. Not as the faithless man I was then. But I could have reached out and touched him, not run from him as if he was an unclean leper. I cannot change the past, but today can offer the same love and healing Jesus did no matter what the condition of the person is standing in front of me. I still can’t heal anyone, but I know who can.

I never saw Bob again. I did not go back to that neighborhood for a month or so, avoiding it because of my fear of seeing him. Within that month, I heard that he had been arrested and convicted of robbery. To my shame, I was relieved. As time went by, I forgot about Bob, except every now and again, I would see a guy on the street and remember. Soon even that was gone until today. I know that his memory is a reminder that no man or woman is lost to our God. I no longer will run from the horrors of this world but prayerfully stand in the face of them knowing He strengthens me. I pray this for all.

Happy Sabbath and Blessings

John

12/7/18 c