The woman sat simmering. I barely knew her except that she was the wife of one of my crew members. She had showed up at my door about a half hour before and asked if she could come in. Next to her sat a little girl, she could not have been any more than 5 or 6 years old. She seemed to sense her mother’s tension and clung to her, face buried in her side, only peeking out at me just briefly. With big, round, dark eyes, she looked for any sign of movement from me. I sat perfectly still. Such unease I had never felt. Why were these two here? I did not want to get involved in someone else’s personal struggles. I wanted to be left alone. But there they sat.
I could not remember her name, so I addressed her as, ‘Mrs.’ Saying, “Mrs. Gowan, why are you here….” I did not get the whole sentence out before she began a fierce tirade, “You are the reason I am here. You are the man who fed my Billy the drugs that have turned him into a monster! He was a good man and husband before he hooked up with you! You are the (expletive) devil!”
The rage and anger coming out of her mother frighten the girl even more and she began to whimper. Her mother wrapped an arm around her and said, “It is ok, baby, we are not going to stay here. Maw-Maw is waiting for us. We are going to visit her for a while.” She turned back to me and now spoke softly, “I have no more words for you. The poison you spread is killing my marriage and my baby here and my husband too! I just needed you to know it. I just wanted to know why.”
As she rose to her feet, I wanted to tell her that it was not my fault. I wanted to say the drugs she was talking about did come through me, but Billy had been doing speed long before he met me. Yeah, maybe I had encouraged him, like I did all my crew. I wanted to tell her it was the way of the world in our trade. All the bosses fed their guys speed. It was not my fault that Billy wanted more and more every day. But as she rose and stood waiting on my reply, all I could say was, “He wanted the stuff, and I can’t help it if he can’t handle it.”
Her tears were forming now, and her shoulders slumped. She guided her daughter to the door. Stopping as she turned the handle, she said with her back to me, “Mister, I pray some day you will pay for the misery you have dealt. Billy is not a perfect guy, but he looked up to you. He said, ‘John said this, and John said that.’ You could have done better by him. You could have been the man he thought you were!” With that she opened the door and was gone.
Thirty-five years removed from that day and the words still ring in my ears. The frightened eyes of that young girl still burn my dreams. In fact, they disturbed my sleep last night. There in the dark around midnight I heard the voice of anger and of plaintiveness. I saw those eyes. Ghosts that haunt me still. And the guilt. Yeah, man, I was guilty. I fed Billy’s demon and not only his so many others. The guilt! How do I deal with it in the middle of the night? How do I deal with it right now? There is only one word, Grace.
I, like so many others who have come to know and accept Jesus as our Savior after living a life of unbearable sin, have only one word of salvation. Grace. You see, what I had to learn is all here in these verses:
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2: 8-9)
Grace, an undeserved and unmerited favor from God, is my only salvation. I cannot remove the stain of my sin or the horror of when I realized that I had led others to sin. I cannot do it in the middle of the night when Satan brings those sins back to my mind. I can only, once again, fall at the foot of the cross in faith and know that his blood, given without condition washes me clean.
It is at that moment when God’s Word is my bridge and door to know sins are forgiven. It is then that I, like King David who committed the most heinous of sins, murder can cry these words:
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.” (Psalm 51 10-15)
In these words, Satan can find no place. But I am reminded and refreshed once again that I am forgiven. Sleep returns as I can surrender even my guilt to him who died to take it. Shadows of the past fade as I am reminded of those verses in Ephesians, ‘By grace you are saved through faith. And this not of my own doing…” For now, I can rest but never without praise and thanksgiving. Another day to serve my Savior and others, how blessed am I!
Because of God’s grace over the years I have tried to make recompense for my actions. To ask for forgiveness, not because I needed it or deserved it, but because I hoped to show that grace comes even to those who lived and spread darkness. I have never been able to find what happened to Billy, his wife, or their child. But my prayer is that one of them may read this and know that I am a changed man, through Jesus Christ. I cannot change what I did but can offer them the save saving power that saved me, Grace. May you who read this know it is yours today. Seek it!
Blessings
John
6/8/20
