The priest whispered through the shadowy screen of the confessional, “Say five Our Father’s and five Hail Mary’s and now make a good Act of Contrition.”
As the window between us slid shut I began to mumble:
“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.”
As I knelt at one of the back pews of the cavernous church, the mumbling continued as I recited by rote the penance given. As I did so my head was down, and I did not notice he had approached and was now standing in the aisle next to me until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I must have jumped with the contact.
In a low voice he whispered,
“Sorry, my son, I did not mean to startle you. I just felt it was my duty to come talk with you for a moment.
I noticed that his breath was tinged with the sour smell of wine and the black cassock he wore was sprinkled with ashes from a not long-ago smoked cigarette. Where Father Tom had come from, I did not know. But his appearance seemed almost ghostly to me and I felt uncomfortable. Still the old priest was someone I had known from my youth and I could not be rude to him, so I replied with a constrained voice,
“Ah Father Tom, I did not hear you I was just about ready to leave. Is there something I can do for you?
Tom shook his head. As he did his unruly hair seemed to move as waves in a tidal pool. He said in a louder voice then normal spoken in church,
“There is nothing you can do for me, John. It is I who would like to do something for you!
With that he motioned me to move over in the pew enough for him to sit down next to me. With reluctance I did so. Once seated he took a deep breath and looking skyward sighed as only a troubled man does. Slowly without turning he said,
“John, I know you are a troubled young man. Your mother and I have spoken several times recently and she is so worried about you….
At this I attempted to speak, and he turned to me quickly putting his finger to his lips asking me to be silent and his bright blue eyes flashed. Those eyes reminded me of other times I had gotten on Father Tom’s ‘wrong side’ and ended up with a cuff on the noggin. So, I fell silent and waited.
Now looking directly at me he said,
“John, you were once an altar boy. You were a highly decorated Cub Scout. You played basketball for Mr. Doyle and seemed to have such a bright future. Now, I hear you have fallen in with the wrong crowd. Smoking. Coming home with alcohol on your breath. Arrested for breaking windows and brought home in the middle of your sister’s birthday party. I have to ask you, son, have you confessed all these sins? Have you asked God to forgive you?
I wanted to say something smart or just get up and leave but instead anger rose in me and I spoke the only truth I knew,
“Confess? Confess my sins? Yeah, I confessed but what good is it going to do? Confess to God! No, I confessed to Father Ryan, as I have so many times and he gave me the same penance and I have said my five Our Father’s and five Hail Mary’s if that is what God wants then I guess I am good. But I don’t know God or forgiveness or if he even exists!”
With that I fled feeling no comfort feeling more lost than when I had come into the church. I knew in my heart no one could forgive who I had become. Not my parents, not the police, not the priest and certainly not a God who wanted to punish me like everyone else!
This happened long ago but the pain of that moment stayed with me for years. I had been raised in the Catholic Church, attended school in the Catholic Grade School right there on church grounds. I confessed my sins every Friday and attended Church every Sunday. But I did not know God or did I know his true forgiving power.
It led to a life where I sought comfort in every form of addiction. Be it in indulgent sex habits, drinking alcohol uncontrollably or drugs that ruined just about every relationship I had, including with my own son. I ran from the guilt I felt and cursed a God I did not know until by his grace I began to find out who he truly was, is and is to be through absorbing the Word, the Bible.
The God of my youth was mean, he was vindictive but, in his Word, I found a truth I did not know:
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4: 9-11)
As I read the entire Book, his Love for me, a sinner, was so apparent so written in every word. I could no longer run from him. I could now truly confess without the need of another man standing between me and the God who loved me and say with the repentant tax collector in the Gospel of Luke:
“God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” (Luke 18:13)
I could know as I could not as a lost youth that God through the love offered to me at the cross has taken my burden and given me true forgiveness. All we need do is seek:
“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)
Today I do not seek to condemn those of you who find comfort and a true connection with God through the traditions of the Catholic Church. I only share my story and know I have been led to true forgiveness in a relationship he has called me to through His Word. My prayer is for you to do the same do not wait for tomorrow:
“Today if ye will hear his voice, do not harden your hearts” (Hebrews 3:15)
Blessings
John
8/24/20
