It was almost 9:00 AM and I had been at it for over 2 hours. Getting up at six, I had come downstairs to find my father already at the kitchen table. I could smell coffee from the simmering percolator on the stove and a whiff of slightly burnt toast also hung in the warm air that met me as I came through the kitchen door.
My father grunted a greeting and mumbled something like, “If you want to work you need to be up with the chickens.” I acknowledged his comment and nothing more. I did not want to do anything to jeopardize this day I had been promised for a long time, the day I would go to work with my father and actually lay block on a retaining wall he was building.
I had spent more than a few Saturdays as a ‘hoddie’, the only day that my father could work this ‘side job’. It was my job as hoddie to hump mortar and block to my father and his partner Hank. And each day the old man would say to Hank, “What do ya, think? Should we let the boy have a shot at laying some block?” Hank would just smile and say nothing or maybe nod. On the way home last Saturday, he had let me know that it was agreed that today would be the day. Today I was going to lay block.
So, now after two hours of mixing mortar and carrying enough block to lay a three tier lift of block along the 25’ footing that was my job today, I was ready. I snapped a chalk line on the footing, laid out my first bed of mortar and carefully placed block after block, always toeing the line on the footing. Within an hour I was ready for the second tier. I did it all as I had seen and been instructed, setting up string lines and laying block straight, by eleven I had my first lift in place. I sought out my father to inspect the work.
He and Hank rambled over from the house wall they were finishing and as he approached, I could see he was not happy, and my joy soon turned to fear. Soon enough my fear turned to tears. Without so much as a pause he started at one end kicking at the wall, and as the not set mortar let loose under his brute force the blocks tumbled. Within a few minutes my mornings work was in a shamble. Now out of breath, my father stopped in front of me and growled, “Even a five-year-old could have done a better job than that! Pick up these blocks and clean them off. I don’t have time for amateurs!” Through my embarrassed tears I could see Hank’s face contorted in sarcastic laughter. It was more than a ten-year-old could bear.
In my recovery from alcohol and drug abuse I have always pointed to this event as the beginning of my feeling of inadequacy. The feeling that I could never do anything well enough. If a marriage failed it had to be me who was not trying hard enough. If a job I was working on got messed up, it had to be because I was just not smart enough or talented enough to do it right. So many times, I have gone back to being that little boy who strived so hard to get his dad’s approval only to have him kick my best efforts into the dirt. Have you been there? Are you there right now?
This story came up yesterday in a conversation with my friend Cheri Peters. We were discussing the buried junk that keeps us from seeing God as He is and wants to be seen and just as John the Evangelist described Him:
“God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” (1 John 4:16 Part.)
If you were raised by a father who did not show you his love, you more than likely have spent your life, so far, doubting that there is a heavenly Father that loves you or even more is love itself. I know through my recovery that this has been true for me. It took me years and Cheri’s program Celebrating Life in Recovery to find that God was in love with me!
Here is a quote from Celebrating Life in Recovery: Steps to Christ, Week 1 God is Crazy About You:
“Did Jesus die to convince the Father to save us? Absolutely not! It was the Father who sent Him, and God sent Jesus because He’s crazy about us. Jesus said, “The Father loves me because I lay down my life that I may have it back again” (John10:17). He wanted us to know that the Father loves us just as much as He does. In fact, “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son” (John 3:16). The Father gave Jesus to us because He can’t bear to lose us. Through Jesus, God poured out His relentless love upon a bruised and broken world. “God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself” (2 Corinthians 5:19). God suffered with His Son. In the agony of Jesus’ suffering and His awful death on the cross, God paid the price of our full recovery. (Participants Book #1 pp. 25-26)
Do you see it? God’s love is relentless. He so loved us that He was willing to sacrifice His Son to save you and me. How crazy is that? Even more how amazing it is! And all He asks in return is that we believe and surrender all of our junk to Him!
I am sure today that some of you reading this may have had a parent that was so much worse than mine. I just want you to know that God is NOT that parent. He is not mean or violent or condemning. He wants to love you like you have never been loved before. It can happen today. He has a plan for your life, my friend. The prophet Jeremiah spoke these inspired words! You just need to believe and let Him in:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
That day long ago still haunts me but now every time I think of it, I smile a bit. I know who my Father is, and I know the only walls He wants to kick down are the ones keeping me from His presence! He is ready to kick yours down too!
Blessings
John
10/26/20
