“Give me just a taste, please!” The guy seemed to be begging but I had no mercy. “Listen, my friend, this is not a charity and I am not Mother Theresa, you pay, or you go and stop the whining, it will not help your cause!” His head was down now, and he emitted a soft moan. “Pathetic!” I thought. “This dude needs to man up.” Pulling him up by the arm I led him to the door, “When you have the cash, I have the stuff. Till then don’t be coming around here and crying on my shoulder. Get a grip.” With this I pushed him through the door, closing it I could hear him crying and I waited as he finally moved down the hall.
It was almost midnight and I hadn’t slept in a day or so. The drug business had been good over the last week and I was reaping most of the profits in product, treating myself to another ‘8 ball’ of speed. I was on a roll.
This last guy had been in and out of my circle for over a year now and he was always a pain because when he had the dough, it was party time but when he was broke he figured it was still party time, out of my pocket. And anyone who knew me also knew I was not into sharing the goods. It had always been my theory that if you were going to be in the game you needed to pay to play. It wasn’t like the man was going to give me the product to push on the streets without the cash up front. And even though I knew this wasn’t true. I tried to believe it and stick it to my customers.
The real truth was that I was always in debt to my contact. He did not care if he fronted me the stuff because he knew that I would pay one way or the other. It was the nature of the game. And the truth for me was that I could not afford to be generous with the people I dealt drugs to because I was the one who needed the money, I needed to pay the man.
As I sat on the couch chopping up another line, I didn’t like how I was feeling. Why was I now feeling guilty for not giving that poor slob a break or at the very least letting him have a free blast. Leaning my head back after snorting the line, as my eyes watered, and I felt the rush of the drugs, I thought, “Why do I need to show mercy to him, it is not like he would ever do the same for me. He would probably sell his own mother to keep his high going!” My self-righteous indignation grew but was gone again as soon as it came. I knew in my heart if I looked in the mirror I was that poor slob, begging my dealer to give me time or front me the stuff I needed. “Heck, with that! I am not that guy! I am on a roll and will pay my guy off and from now on will be making a profit. Mercy is for losers and I am no longer one of those!” I reached for the bottle of whiskey and took a long pull. “No, sir, I am not a loser, like that dude.” Lost in the delusion of drugs and alcohol, I started laughing uncontrollably.
Winners and losers. It is strange how we define these words. Most of my life BC, before Christ, I would have defined a winner as one who got ahead. In my professional life, it would have been one who got the best position or pay grade. Or maybe the one who was able to land a contract even if it meant lying and cheating to get it. In my addicted life, the winner was the one who figured out ways to stay high or got over on someone just to be sure number one was taken care of. Winners are those who take care of themselves first and losers are suckers who believe if you help the other guy, there is some cosmic payback that rewards you.
I am not saying that there were not times when I reached out to help someone. But it is my belief that in those times, even if I did not know it, the Holy Spirit was working through me. God cares for his children and will use even a broken wheel to help further his kingdom! Still all and all, it was not until I absorbed the teaching of Jesus Christ that the world of winners and losers was turned upside down.
I remember the first time I read these words:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5: 3-12)
I thought who believes this stuff? Nobody really lives like this. But then I met two folks who did. I won’t mention their names here because it would embarrass them. When I realized that they actually lived these words and how it affected the world around them, my life was changed. Here is what they taught me.
There are no losers in God’s eyes. And as each of us grows closer to Jesus, we see what he said can be ours because he already earned it for us. His death on the cross was not as a loser, as the people around him thought. He was our winner and through him we can become those that can ‘win’ others as we accept the truth of those nine verses from the gospel of Matthew.
Unfortunately, the night I have written about led to my ending up in the emergency room for drug overdose. I tried to convince the on-duty doctor I was having a heart attack, but he knew different. Once I was back on the streets, it did nothing to change my life. But the roll I thought I was on turned into a nightmare as my drug debts piled up. I really was no different than the others I viewed as losers. Today I do not see the world as I did back then. I know we are all winners but only through Jesus. I pray for you to read those verses and know you are a winner too!
Blessings, John
9/17/18
