Month: October 2018

Fixer I am not…but I know who is

“How could you do this?” I was angry and hurt. “I left you in charge of my equipment and my truck for one week and I come back to find my tools stolen and my truck in impound. Give a good reason not to kill you!” I was looking at Lenny trying to constrain myself, but the anger was growing as he stood unresponsive. Finally, I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him, then pushed him away. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to hear you and I never want you to step one foot on one of my jobsites or even in the bar if I am drinking there, you are dead to me!” With that I turned away and got into my partner’s company truck, we sped off.

Lenny had been a ‘project’ of mine. I had hired him to do labor work, basic stuff. He would be more or less my go-fer. Do this, do that, always working with or around me. In this way I was hoping by osmosis that he would learn the rebar business. I had done this before with quite a few young guys and some made it, and some did not. In the year I had been working with Lenny he was proving to be one of the brighter guys I had ever apprenticed but there was one problem, he was also a professional liar and conman.

At that time in my life I saw little problem with these two traits, after all, it was my opinion that to get ahead it took a man who could lie and as far as being a conman was concerned, I was a bit of one myself. Lenny was different. Whereas I limited my lying and conning to business and people I did not care about, he was in the habit of pulling his act on me and others he worked with. He had no respect for the code most of us lived by, ‘honor among thieves’ and it caused a lot of problems. My partner had been on my case for almost as long as Lenny had worked for us to fire him and warned me that one day I was going to pay for trusting him like I did. I would shrug and assure him that Lenny was a good guy down deep and would never do anything to mess me over, at least, not on purpose.

In fact, as time went on I had found myself trusting him more and more. He was a fast learner and had mastered reading blueprints and shop drawings to a point that I could give him a section of the job to work on in the morning and he, with the help of a few other trusted hands would get it done. Now and again he would take short cuts I did not care for but mainly he did a good job. Looking back at it, I have to admit, I saw a lot of myself in him and because of this I was willing to overlook all the flaws, trusting he would succeed.

Then came the week I needed to be in Texas consulting with a company for a week. I was sure that I could trust Lenny with the list of work that needed to get done for the week. I gave him the keys to my truck filled with thousands of dollars of work tools and now they were all gone. All I could think was, my partner had been right, and I was a fool to trust anyone like Lenny.

This ever happen to you? A friend or even a family member, you work with them, trust them, believe all that you are doing will enable them to be trustworthy. Then it happens they break that trust leaving you feeling hurt and angry. Well, I have done it more than once and even if it did not cost me like this incident with Lenny, it always cost me something. But what was that something, really? In my case I know now it was my pride.

I have been able to see during my recovery from addiction that one of my biggest problems was I wanted to ‘fix’ others even as I found it impossible to fix myself. So, I married broken people with this idea in mind and each time it led to failure. It was the same in my professional life. I would hire ‘projects’ and I would think of them as such. A broken man trying to repair broken people. Most of the time it led to pain and anger. I just couldn’t look in the mirror and see I was the one who needed ‘fixing’ or who was the fixer I could turn to.

In the gospel of Luke Jesus comes to his home synagogue and shares a prophesy from the Isaiah, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4: 18-19) When I was willing to believe, by the grace of God, I found in these verses who could and would ‘fix’ me and transform my life. And when that happened I found I no longer had a need to fix others, because I was able to see my own brokenness. That instead of that I could share how Jesus fixed me and pray others could turn to Him!

I never recovered my tools, Lenny traded them to druggies for drugs. They were lost forever. I also never was able to get my truck out of impound, because it was illegally licensed. Lenny never worked for me again. I heard he did work with other companies, and I know he eventually ended up doing time. I lost track of him when I left Utah and only recently have thought about him, as the Holy Spirit leads me to review my life, I pray for him. But I could not fix him, and I cannot fix me. Today I pray that I can surrender to the One who can and will. Let us all turn our ‘projects’ over to the Lord.

Blessings John,
10/3/18

Suffering and overcoming the “I” problem

Yesterday we held a Health Fair at our church. The turn out from the community was not huge, to say the least, but the turn out of volunteers who were willing to give up their Sunday was gratifying. It leads me to remember that it is not our job as Christians to count the numbers that we serve but to serve each of the number with the same love that Jesus shows to us. After all he would have died just to save one of us. Are we willing to sacrifice such a small thing as a few hours on a Sunday to serve others? Many yesterday thought so.

It is the most amazing part of the transformation which comes through faith and hope in a risen Savior, that a person, like me, who spent most of his life self-absorbed now finds great joy and humility in serving others. It is sometimes hard to believe I lived as I did for so long. I try in these blogs to give the before and after picture of my life because I pray it shows that no matter how far from God one is or how self-absorbed one may be that there is hope. Here is what I am getting at.

There were many incidents in my life I could point at that showed I chose me over anything else, but I think there is one that shows it fully. In 1999 I was in a marriage that was burdensome. My wife had many physical ailments that led complaint filled days. I have to confess now and thought it then, without speaking it, that she was a hypochondriac. I would grit my teeth whenever the complaints would start and nod my head trying to put on a sympathetic look but knew often I did not succeed.

At the same time as this was worsening, my addictions were flaring. Alcohol consumtion, which for a short time had seemed to be under control now was daily again becoming a ritual. We had also recently moved the fifth-wheel trailer in which we lived to Vernal, Utah starting a new Water Treatment project. Vernal, if you do not know is in the extreme north eastern part of Utah and about 200 miles from Salt Lake City where my company office was located. As I set up the project it was necessary for me to travel back and forth from Vernal to the office, meaning I would need to be away at least half the week. This meant whenever I was home, I would listen to complaints not just of that day but a litany  from the days I was missing. All culminated one Sunday when I had been drinking since the day before. As my wife was listing more issues, I lost it and told her that I could not take any more of it. Flatly telling her she was hypochondriac then storming out of the trailer. I drove drunk the 200 miles to Salt Lake City. From that point, I basically abandoned her, and we separated.

Many strange things happened after that. She lived in our trailer next to me, while I lived in one owned by the company. Yet I took no time to see that what I thought of as hypochondria was actually the beginning of Multiple Myeloma Cancer. Others took her to the doctor as I drank more and spent all my efforts to keep the company project above water. I was so self-absorbed I could not see that the woman I married was truly suffering right next door. I had sunk to a new low and I did not even recognize it.

How easy it is for us to become so involved in life and ourselves that we ignore the plight of others. It may not be as extreme as what I just shared. Most of the time it is much subtler. But the results are the same, it is the “I” problem and when we fall into it we are falling like the one who started this rebellion against God.

The prophet Isaiah wrote this about Satan, “How you have fallen from heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! You said in your heart, “I will ascend to the heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of Mount Zaphon. I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14: 12-14)

His words are filled with the “I” problem and we can and often do end up in the same place. But if we are willing to look to the one who knowing all about us was willing to give all He was and suffer the cross for us, there will be a change in how we react when this self-absorption comes. He tells us this, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) And when we have this His Spirit, self seems less important and we can in humility serve others. That is what brings rest for my soul!

That incident in the trailer led to years of separation, in which my wife’s health worsened. Eventually we were able to come together again and through her leading I came to the Lord. I was forgiven for that time and by the time she passed away, we had both found a place where self was lessened by centering our lives on Jesus. I am blessed to know she rests in the Lord waiting His return. And am blessed to know my heart has been changed enough to seek to relieve the pain of others, through the grace of God. May we all seek His humility today and leave the “I” problem behind.

Blessings John,
10/1/18