I sat in the small waiting room. There was very little for me to do but wait. The magazines provided and laying on the end table a few chairs away held no interest to me. Who really cared what the Hollywood stars ate or wore? Would I actually remember the recipe I would read in the 5-month-old Good Housekeeping? Either way, I had no interest in any of it. I was here waiting on a surgeon who would tell me if my wife’s torn colon could be repaired and if sepsis would be a concern. Did any fecal matter escape into the body cavity? At this moment I just did not know.
Only an hour earlier we had been across the street at the outpatient surgical facility for a routine colonoscopy. Again, I had been sitting in a waiting room. There I was watching one of the morning shows with the sound down so low I would have had to be a lip reader to understand what was being said. But at least it was passing the time. My mind had been busy thinking about work. Sure, I could take a few hours off to make sure this procedure was done but I needed to get back to my desk, I had 6 projects in the field and had already gotten two calls while sitting here from foremen who needed more info. I really needed to get to my computer. Staring at the screen and with my mind wandering I barely heard the nurse call my name until she was standing almost in front of me. When I did, I noticed that she seemed quite shaken as she quietly asked, “Mr. Weston could you please come with me.” Still not overly concerned I did as she said not knowing soon my whole world would change. From that moment I would be led on a painful one-year journey that would lead to my wife’s death and to a life I could have never imagined.
I bet some of you recognize this moment. No maybe it was not as dramatic as this or maybe it was even more so. An accident where a loved one is left on the edge of life or death. A sudden illness that seems so innocent, yet it spirals into a series of life changing events. If you have lived long enough then I am sure you have been there.
I cannot write the whole story of what happened from that moment almost five years ago. It is too complex and might actually take a book to explain it all, but I promise I will give you the short version before I am done writing today. But it is not my point this morning to dwell on what physically happened during that traumatic time, it is more the spiritual journey I was led on that I would like to share.
You see, at the moment I have described I had already began to think of myself as a Christian. I had done all the things it takes to be inducted into the faith. Bible study, regular attendance of church. Baptism and even was involved in good works ministries. Yep, from the outside I looked pretty good. But until that moment when the nurse asked me to follow her, I soon realized my faith had never been tested. But in an instant, all that changed. And like many of us whose faith is based in the head and not the heart, I did not fare so well.
The truth is throughout the year 2014, I was too busy being a caregiver to worry about how I was doing spiritually. Again, from the outside I looked like the devoted, loving Christian caring for his wife who met one health challenge after another. People would say, “John, you are so strong!” and compliment me on my ability to hold up under it all. I thought so too, that is until two days after Christmas of that year. Then I was alone or so it felt. Could I trust God and His promises? Could I truly be a follower of Jesus? For about 3 months I was not sure.
At first all the old demons returned. The temptation to drink was stronger than it had been in years. Satan said, “Go ahead, have a drink you deserve it!” and even worse, “You need it!” I resisted, I kept reading God’s Word and I prayed. But it all seemed so empty. “Where are you God?” “Jesus, I thought I was saved!” I was alone or so I felt. It was not true.
One day in April of 2015 our young assistant pastor texted me this verse, “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) I had heard it, read it but until that moment I had not felt it. But I did! Something in me, I know now was the Holy Spirit, allowed me if just for a moment to know those words were true. The pastor kept sending me verses. I would claim them, hold God accountable and He did not fail me. Soon, the pastor asked me to share as Wednesday night Prayer Meeting leader. It was exactly where I needed to be. Prayer with warriors of God added to my strength. My heart was finally connecting. My faith walk had truly begun.
As promised, the short version. My wife did experience a torn colon during a routine colonoscopy. It led to months of recovery but during the surgery it was found she was retaining ascites fluid, and no one knew why. By July she seemed fully recovered but the fluid build up began again and finally in October she was diagnosed with terminal liver and spine cancer. There is so much more to the story, but the fact is she died on December 27, 2014. I know she rests waiting on Jesus soon return. And as for me, I live in the Lord with heartfelt faith. God has led me on new journeys, some I will share here in the next few blogs. Until then, know I now trust, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). You can too!
Blessings,
John
6/24/2019
I am grateful for your ability to put raw honestly into words. This is a ministry.