Can you think of a question you do not want to answer? Just stop for a moment and think about it. There has to be some embarrassment or supposed failing that you would never like the world to know. I can tell you in my case even after over two years of public confession on these pages there are still a few things I have not allowed to see the light of day, at least not here.
I was thinking the other day that we spend a lot of time hiding truths from one another. Yeah, I know in this day of, ‘your truth is your truth and mine are mine’, that there are quite a few people who think truth is subjective. But the sad fact is that even this kind of thinking is a way of hiding. There are truths even if politicians and media try to convince us there are not. And it is only the truth that can set you free. We will get back to this in a minute or so.
In my addicted life I always thought of myself as a con man. I believed that I could tell the perfect lie and hide behind it. For the most part it seemed to work out ok, at least in my substance abused mind. I created ‘personas’. One I would use at work, the big tough Ironworker. Another one that I would put on when I was at home, the silent and insolent brooder. Out partying, the happy-go-lucky party animal. Gambling, the sure winner who seemed to lose a lot but never let on. So many faces, so much hidden but every one of them fueled by my insecurity and hopelessness and sustained by the substances I was addicted to. The one thing I knew for sure was I did not want people to know who I was, I feared that more than anything.
Then one day my life began to change. I read a book that I could tell was truth. It didn’t pull any punches, the main character in it made bold statements that either you believed or not. Things like, “I am the way, the truth and the life….” Or “I am the resurrection and the life…” Even “I am the light of the world…” Bold and unshakable statements that shook the hidden life I had been living. The character I speak of is, of course, Jesus Christ and the book is the Bible.
What happens when a con man meets undeniable truth? Well, I can tell you at first it was not a pretty picture. I mean, I have heard so many testimonies of people who encounter Jesus and instantly they are a new person. This was not my experience. I would say that mine was more like peeling an onion. Do you know what I mean? One layer at a time, one persona at a time had to be peeled away. There were times I felt so vulnerable I would run back to the core of my ‘onion’, hide in my insecurity and sneak a couple of stiff drinks.
So, I came to this place where I thought I had it all figured out. Jesus had peeled so much away. But the old con man does not die easy, I found that I was now donning a new persona, the lovable Christian. I liked this guy, so did everyone else. Gone was the somber brooder, the tough guy, the gambler. Even the party guy was gone or at least now he hid his partying. It was good enough, wasn’t it? After all, I was reading the Bible, I was at church every Sabbath and was getting so good I was asked to be a leader in a ministry. I was a changed man… or was I? I still had not been baptized. But I rationalized that I had been baptized as a baby that was good enough too.
The funny thing about the truth as told by and shown by and in Jesus Christ is that darkness cannot exist in its light. He knew that my onion still needed to be peeled. The amazing thing is that he did those vulnerable layers slowly, imperceptibly. One day about a year into my walk with Jesus, I stopped drinking. Just for that day or so it seemed. But then it was a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. My Christian persona could not stand up to the light of the Bible or the love so mercifully shown by our Savior on the cross. I was finally convinced the insecure con man had to die if I was ever to stand made new by Him. By the time I surrendered to baptism a few years later, Jesus had created a new man who still had layers to peel but knew in Him all things were possible.
Now seven years after being baptized, Satan has not let me forget the man I once was and boy, does he rub it in my face sometimes! But I referred to a verse early in this blog and I want to share it now, “If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8: 31-32) Every day I am in God’s Word. Every day I fill myself with the truth. None of my old personas can stand in the light of it. Nothing is hidden from it. Yes, there are still vulnerable moments, but I do know who is, The Way, The Truth and The Life and he is always there to say, “Follow Me and you will always be free. Thank you, Jesus
Blessings John,
9/9/19
