“What do you fear the most?” The young guy asked me. We were sitting in the semi-darkness of the Albany bar in Cheyenne, Wyoming. The rain and hale had chased us off the job about an hour ago and now most of the crew was either back in the motel showering or off to find food. But, as usual, I decided neither was necessary, a few good whiskeys would suffice.
What was unusual, Tom the young new hire had decided to drink with me. Over the past two weeks I had never seen him in any of the bars or pubs my crew frequented, so was curious why he was sitting next to me. Now the questions had begun.
Most were small talk. Where was I from? How long had I been Ironworking? Other stuff about my family and a few questions about some of the crew. Typical. You know, small talk. But now he had turned serious, staring down into the drink he had nursed while I had downed at least three. He raised his head and said again, “What do you fear the most? Is it the work? Being so high off the ground with only an eight- or twelve-inch beam beneath your feet. Or is it the idea that you are getting too old or broken up to be able to do it?”
At first, I just wanted to blow him off. I mean, what kind of stupid question was that? But as the question twisted around in my booze-soaked brain it took on an ominous note. Here I was, barely 30 years old and this kid a few years out of high school was looking at me as if I was just a stone’s throw away from being over the hill. Without letting him know it, the question shook me. Looking in the mirror behind the bar, I saw the haggard face of a man aging beyond his years. Maybe for the first time in my life, I felt a touch of my own mortality.
Nearly 40 years have passed since that day. Due to my own recklessness and addictions or due to intimate relationship I have had with Prostate Cancer for the past 13 years my mortality has become a daily specter. For many of those years I carried the burden of it with a fatalistic view, I had no hope.
Maybe some of you are there right now, struggling with a life-threatening disease, have made poor life choices and are now trapped in the results. Or maybe addictions or depression have you in their grip. Please believe me, I have been where you are and there is hope his name is Jesus Christ.
I am sure you have heard it before and have said, “How can Jesus do anything for me?” In 2009 I was there myself. Still under the sway of addictions, told that I could not survive more than a few years with the advancing cancer, I began listening to an MP3 version of the Bible just to keep peace with my wife. I had no belief in it and was sure if I listened through it once during daily walks that would keep everyone happy, I didn’t think I needed this Jesus in my life. But something strange happened!
As I listened through the first-time things began to change in my life even without me knowing. It wasn’t magic. Just the things I was hearing made sense. There was a God who loved us so much that he was willing to die. How could that be? Why was a drunken sot like me worth so much? As amazing as it was, I began to believe what I was hearing.
There are verses like: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” In the Old Testament book of Jeremiah, chapter 29 and verse 11. Do you see how the words future and hope are tied together? I did and it began to change me.
It certainly did not happen overnight, but as I let the Word of God in my heart I realized who Jesus was and that he would do for me and in me all he said: “All things have been entrusted to Me by My Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal Him. Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.…” (Matthew 11: 27-29).
Much has changed in my life. I no longer live under the control of addictions or depression or hopelessness. All is not perfect; my cancer has returned, and I will soon again have radiation treatments to shrink the latest tumor. But my life is full and so is my heart. I live each day no longer under the specter of death but in the full assuredness that no matter if I live or die, I have a place in God’s kingdom to come.
Years ago, I blew off that young man’s questions with all the bravado of a man who thought he was impervious to the specters waiting for him. But in my heart, I knew better. Today I pray that for you. Don’t live another day in fear, seek Him who can give you joy and hope!
Blessings
John
12/30/19
