The light coming through the slit that passed as a window several feet above me seemed to be almost mauve in color. I lay on my bunk and watch the dancing dust particles reflecting in the purplish light. I really could not remember if it were sun rise or sunset I was watching. Time in a jail cell has no real meaning in seconds, minutes, and hours, only in months, weeks and days. But as I pondered this the stark, white light buried deep in the ceiling above me clicked on. Morning, I thought.
It was the same routine every day. Lights on in worldly time, 7:00 am. Lights off every night at 9:00 pm. It was my and I am sure most of us doing substantial time, calendar. For me it meant I had been inside the county jail for 21 days. And if I wanted to be as precise as one could on ‘jail time’, 21 days and somewhere around 12 hours. Of course, I could have lost a day when we were on lock-down. I think that lasted 3 days, but it was hard to tell because the ‘calendar light’ never stopped shining during that time. But anyway, as I looked at it I was less than halfway through my 60-day sentence. That thought, brought tears to my eyes. At least 39 days left in this place, with nothing to do but think and read. Yeah, they did have a library I could read! But mostly I could think. Count the ceiling panels for the umpteenth time, 42 full squares and 18 partials. Or maybe count the linoleum tiles on the floor of my cell. Strangely enough even though I thought both were 12”x12” there were 48 floor tiles with 9 partials. All the while thinking. Or maybe regretting was more the word. Second, upon second, hour upon hour and day upon day regretting.
Here I was 32 years old. Already married twice. My first wife hated who I was than and detested who I have become. Mostly because I hid from her and did not pay my alimony. My present wife was too busy partying to care that I was now spending two months away. I had not heard a word from her since I had been inside. I guess I didn’t care much about that. But what about my son. Yeah, my boy! I spent a lot of time in here regretting about him. We were once so close. From the moment he was born, he was ‘my boy’. But then the terrible divorce and nasty custody fight. But mostly the thing that kept replaying like a looped tape in my head, was how I had traded him for grams of speed and gallons of booze. I had run from his world because of the world I chose to live in. The world that was partially the reason why I was in here. Regret with no hope of ever finding a way back from here and 39 more days to sit and hate who I had become.
Aww regret! Which one of you reading this can look in the mirror and say, “Not me, dude, I don’t regret a moment!” But if one of you can than it is you who should be writing a blog and not me. Because for me, any time I hear the Sinatra song and these lines, I shake my head:
“Regrets I’ve had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way”
I shake my head because I cannot believe for a moment that anyone who lives life doing it, ‘MY WAY’ can ever say they had few regrets. But who am I to question old ‘Blue Eyes’? Or Paul Anka who actually wrote this tripe full ballad. For I did live most of my life MY WAY, but I also lived a life of regret.
So, what is the moral of all these disjointed thoughts? I guess it comes down to that living in regret is almost as bad as living the life that created those regrets. As an addict, I would spend hours, days and even weeks indulging my urges. In those times nothing was off the table be it gluttonous need for alcohol or drugs, gambling away hard-earned money or sexual excesses sometimes involving such terrible things, I cannot repeat them here. Then I would spend more hours, days and weeks regretting. Only to repeat the cycle over and over. Do you know what I am talking about? Maybe for you it was or is not any of the things I have listed above. But you overindulged in food or even religiosity. Then the regret comes.
The terrible part of this cycle for me was that even after I, through the grace of God, quit indulging, the regretting still continued and until this day sometimes does. But a young minister said something to me not long after my wife passed away. He saw my faith was waning and I was living my regrets. Here is what he said, it is pretty simple so don’t expect a thought you have never heard:
“If you spend all day thinking about yourself, you cannot spend this day thinking about the needs of others.”
Simple, right! He then handed me his Bible and had me look up these verses:
“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” (1 Timothy 1: 12-15)
The young minister added this:
“Paul who wrote a huge amount of the New Testament, had regrets. But as he was instructing this young man how to serve others, he gave Timothy and us the thought we should carry every day. No matter our sins Jesus came to save sinners even terrible ones like Paul and well… maybe even a terrible sinner like John Weston. Spend time today dwelling on that! Then, like Paul, share Jesus and what he has done in your life and you will have a day you will never regret!”
I did not have to spend 60 days in jail because I was let out in 45 because of overcrowding and so called good behavior. But I still wasted all those days. More regrets, right? No, I know now that every step of my life allows me to see that “Jesus Christ came to save sinners like me.” But even so I still begin some days with thoughts of regret but gratefully then I remember the words of my young friend or sometimes the words attributed to several preachers, but whomever said them said them I am grateful also: “When I look at myself I don’t see how I can be saved but when I look at Jesus I cannot see how I can be lost!” Today living HIS WAY there not a regret in sight!
Blessings
John
6/22/20
