As I sat at the back of the AA meeting, cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other I watched the parade of people ‘testify’ about their sobriety: “Hi my name is blah blah and I am an alcoholic!” Then each one droning on and on about how they had stayed sober for days, weeks and some even for years. Sob stories about how they had been working the 12 steps. Yippee, another soul saved from the demon drink. I didn’t believe one word of it. I bet most of them, just like me, left this room and headed for the nearest saloon. And if they did not, well, too bad for them and more for me.
I felt pretty good tonight, in fact, I had been to the saloon BEFORE the meeting, so I had no problem sitting here listening to all this blather. And I was lucky so far, my court ordered ‘sponsor’ was no where in site. Three more months of this stuff and I could quit wasting every Tuesday and Thursday nights sitting here with all these losers.
As I sat watching the clock and listening to some girl probably no older than myself drone on, I felt a hand on my shoulder. My heart sunk; I knew that oh so caring hand. Yep, it was ‘Saint Jim’ my savior in the flesh! Darn (not the word I used).
“John! he whispered in his soft tones. “I am sorry, my brother, I had an emergency. Another dude I care for had a crisis and I had to run over to his place to sit with him for a bit. I hope you have been enjoying the meeting anyway. I see a lot of good folks are here tonight. I bet there were some righteous testimonies, huh?”
As usual Jim was rubbing me the wrong way. Always calling me ‘brother’ and using words like ‘righteous’! I wasn’t his brother and there was nothing righteous about any of this. It was all a lot of garbage (again not the word I thought or used)! But as usual I put on a fake smile and said through gritted teeth,
“Oh yeah, BROTHER, this has been a blast and man, you missed the most RIGHTEOUS stories. Whew, I am so glad I was here tonight!”
My words dripped with sarcasm, but Jim refused to engage me. Instead he plopped his over 200-pound bulk next to me and start to giggle. I mean literally giggle. Like he was a 10-year-old schoolgirl. Bringing himself under control he leaned over and whispered,
“John, you crack me up! Here you are being offered the greatest chance you will ever have to change your life. To learn to live without being burdened with the weight of addiction and you just sit here letting the parade pass you by. But believe me, man, I am not laughing at you. It just I can either cry or laugh and I choose to laugh and also pray you can see the GIFT, free and clear that can be yours for the taking!”
With that I looked him in the eye, breathing my alcohol-soaked breath on him, “Yeah, Jimmy, such a gift only a guy like you and the rest of these losers can offer. I like being me! I am sorry for you all, that you need some, what do you call it? Some Higher Power to live your lives. Well, I am stuck here for three more months than I am gone! Take that up to the front and TESTIFY about it.” With that I grabbed my coat and fled the room, not caring if I would not get credit for this meeting or not. GIFT MY (Expletive) I do not need your charity!
Can you tell by the negativity of the above story how much pain I was once in. Have you ever been there? Are you there today? In so much pain that when someone throws you a lifeline you toss it back and say, “No thanks I would rather drown!” If you have or are feeling that kind of pain, I am so sorry for it. Yeah, I know, that like Jim, I sound like I am just offering you some words. That is what I felt back then. But the truth is, that is not what I am offering at all. I will say it as honestly as I can. That man who sat there in an AA meeting cursing everyone and everything, saying he was ok with his life was a liar and deep in his pain. Hiding behind resentment and defensiveness . And if you are feel either of those emotions reading this, I know the pain you are in also.
So, what can I offer you that you have not heard before? Just this, I know that pain you are feeling can be lifted. I know that worthlessness you feel can be turned to usefulness and it starts with the simple prayer every AA person knows by heart, it is called the “Serenity Prayer”. Maybe you have said this before but this morning say it slow, feel the words and try to believe:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.
Ok, You still say I have heard it all before. Believe me, I had too! But why continue living in your pain? I did for years and I lost so much. This morning if you can read just this prayer and think that maybe your life can be different. Maybe you can look in the mirror and not hate what you did last night. If you can grab the lifeline and hang on. Your world can be changed. Take if from a guy who took the long way around. Don’t wait 40 years. Today is your day. So, let’s say the prayer again together knowing the “He” in the prayer is real and the promises in the words can be yours! Pain or Serenity today you have the choice!
Blessings
John
6/29/20
This one is really good John! On spot!